Mine
by Lethologica86
Summary: Bella and Edward have been friends with benefits for years, but for some reason he has started avoiding her. Rumors start flying that she's been seeing Jacob. What happens when Edward's jealousy takes over? Why is he trying to stay away now?
1. Mine

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}  
Thank you hopestreet, sarawollin and MarchHare5**

**Bella — Monday, February 23, 2009**

He pinned my hands above my head with such force I could have bent my knees, and I'd still be hanging there from his grip. I couldn't—no—I wouldn't have it any other way. He nibbled on the spot right at the bottom of my neck that connected with my shoulder, and I shivered. There was nobody else, absolutely nobody else, and he couldn't know that. I couldn't let him know.

Still, at moments such as these, when my body recognized that there was no argument against the irrevocably obvious ownership he had over me, I struggled with the urge to yell it at the top of my lungs. _I'm yours, Edward Cullen!_

"Does he know about us?" he hissed into my ear, his entire body pinning me to the wall of the computer lab he pulled me into.

"Does he?!" he asked louder, running his nose over my cheek. I whimpered when I felt his hardness pressed so deliciously against me, warm and wanton.

"Tell me, Bella!" He bucked his hips, grinding against the top of my jeans. I lolled my head as my throat released a groan. I'd missed his body. I'd missed him.

"No."

It was barely an audible noise, but it was enough reassurance for him. He devoured my mouth then, sucking on my lips softly before pressing his tongue over them. I parted my mouth and gave him access. He could have anything he wanted. He just needed to ask, and it was his. When he released my hands, I let them fall around his neck, my eyes tightly closed as our tongues danced, my fingers curling around the hairs at the back of his head. I pulled at them, and he moaned. The sound sent shivers down my spine. I was fueled by the power of knowing what my lover needed.

I heard a zipper, I felt my legs move, one of his hands was back to pressing my wrists against the wall, and then the most sinful feelings threatened to drown me. I parted my lips to gasp.

The fingers from his free hand were drawing circles over the fabric covering my sex. It was a hard touch, violent and almost desperate, and I pushed my hips harder into it.

"I'm sure he doesn't know how to do this as well as I do, either," he spoke, moving his circles harder, right over my clit. I whimpered.

"I bet he doesn't know how to touch you as well as I can, Bella," he hissed against my ear, sucking on the tender spot just below it. My knees gave in, but he held me. I was lightheaded; his words hypnotized me, and my body called for him.

Should I tell him? Should I really tell him that I had never thought of letting Jacob touch me like this? That I couldn't even kiss him because my lips only wanted his? That I was breaking our agreement of "keeping things on a friendly basis between us"? That I was only seeing someone else, trying to pretend that I could? Hoping that I could? That all I could ever truly want was him? That it had only ever been him? No, I couldn't, and right now I couldn't stop the orgasm that he was about to give my body. He would forever know how to touch me, the sweet torture that was Edward Cullen.

He moved my panties to the side and continued the assault with his finger on my bare folds. My release was painfully close. He knew it. He knew it because I knew it, because he could play me just as perfectly as he could play his piano. I began to shudder against him, and again he released my wrists, his arm holding me by the waist against him.

"Come for me, Bella. Come for me like you can't come for him!" Those words were my undoing.

My forehead fell onto his shoulder, and wave after wave of bliss hit my body. His fingers entered me, and his name escaped my lips. I'd missed this so much.

"Fuck, Edward!" I cried as he moved his fingers in and out of me. I still couldn't think. I couldn't form a coherent sentence. There was nothing but pure bliss, the contractions, the pleasure in me. He lifted me into his arms, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, our tongues tangling again.

For now, it didn't matter if we could get caught in the lab. It had been too long since our last time together, too damn long to measure. He had disappeared. For more than two months he had been avoiding me, not returning my calls, not answering my emails. It was then that I met Jacob, and he became the friend that Edward took from me when he'd disappeared—the friend, but without the benefits that Edward and I shared.

I knew there were rumors going around, rumors I was sure Jacob himself could have begun, but in my eyes it was nothing like that. In my eyes there was only Edward.

It was because of Jacob the argument even began, the very reason why my back was currently resting on one of the tables of the unlit lab room with Edward hovering over me and his tongue tracing lines on my neck, my finger pulling at his belt buckle, my panties being ripped off of me.

Less than an hour earlier, Jake had joined me in the open lab.

"Hey, Bells!" Jacob's vibrating voice echoed over my shoulder, his chin resting on it as he looked down at my notes from behind me. He was so warm, so distinct, and his energy radiated off him, momentarily calming my feeling of loss and abandonment.

"Hey, Jake!"

"Ok, so guess what?" he said, resting both his arms on mine. Releasing my pen, I tangled our fingers together. I didn't mind this. It was closeness. I needed closeness, some affection, attention, and the irreplaceable feeling of being desired.

"I found an old radiator from a truck just like yours and rebuilt it. I'm putting it in your truck today, so we need to exchange keys." He released my left hand, reaching to throw the keys to one of his cars onto the table.

"Jake!" I turned and embraced him. "Thank you so much!"

He laughed, his chest purring with happiness.

"That must have been expensive! How much do I owe you?" I held him firmly by the shoulders, his smile blinding. Jacob was endearing.

"I didn't pay a dime. It was a gift from a friend who owed me a favor. Most of the other parts were from junk yards and my garage. I'll figure out a way for you to repay me for the labor." He raised his eyebrow and leaned in closer, our mouths millimeters apart.

The fact that my truck wasn't going to die on me any time soon and that I didn't have to spend money to fix it filled me with such happiness I would have closed my eyes and let him kiss me, but the sound of someone clearing their throat made me jump suddenly, successfully breaking the moment.

"Edward!" I released Jacob and stood. I heard Jacob groan. "This is Jacob. Jacob, this is my friend Edward."

No one spoke, and no one greeted each other with smiles or handshakes. They stood and stared at each other.

I handed Jacob the keys to my truck. "You take care of it for me? I'll meet you at the parking lot after the lecture is done. Call me if you need anything!"

Kissing his cheek, I watched him smile, his eyes never leaving Edward's face. I headed for the convention center, walking as fast as I could away from what felt like a natural disaster about to hit.

"Exchanging keys so soon?" His voice was raspy and malevolent with an acid tone that burned at the pit of my belly. I turned to face him.

How dare he confront me about something that was none of his business, especially after being gone for so long? He had no right!

"What's it to you, Cullen?" I crossed my arms against my chest, trying to contain my heart there. His green eyes sizzled and cut through me, his hands in his pockets, jaw clenched, brow furrowed. He was a god—a very angry god.

"I'm gone for a little bit, and you jump into bed with the first dog that comes barging through the door, Isabella?" He took a step forward.

I knew then that if I didn't walk away, blood would spill, and it wouldn't be mine. I would hurt him. I would at least slap the shit out of him. The tears stung, but I closed my eyes. He couldn't see this. If he did, I would have to explain, and there was absolutely nothing to explain. He should have stayed gone. Maybe it was better that way.

My body spun suddenly, my bag dropped, and Edward gripped my shoulders. His nose practically touched mine.

"Why don't you tell me, huh?" His breath tickled my face. The scent was so inviting, I leaned in closer.

"There's nothing to tell you! Where were you, Edward? Why didn't you answer my calls or my emails? Why don't we start there? Shall we? You know, a nice 'How are ya?' would work, too." He released me and started to walk away. "That's right. Walk away! Do what you do best!"

I threw my hands in the air and scoffed, then bent to get my bag. Suddenly my body spun. For a moment I didn't know what was happening, but then I saw him. I had never seen him this angry, and even if every fiber of my being screamed for me to be frightened, I wasn't. Edward would never physically harm me. In fact, he'd saved me from more than just a couple of broken bones, if I recalled correctly.

Right now, however, what I needed saving from was Edward himself and the desperation, the need I felt for him.

This was the closest room from where we' been arguing, and he had locked the door and turned the lights off. Everyone was at the lecture, and we were now at the very back of the room.

His pants were finally off, and I was actually surprised to find how hard he was. There was something odd about his demeanor, his violent need, but I wanted it more than the air that was barely filling my lungs. I couldn't fight it. In one swift movement, he entered me, shivering and grunting against my chest that was bare from my dress he'd yanked down to expose my breast.

I released a cry that he muffled with a hand pressed against my mouth. It had been long enough that I he was stretching me nearly to a breaking point. I should have felt pain, but when he began his slow and steady movements my eyes rolled back in my head. Whimpers from the ecstasy of it escaped me.

"This is what I do best, Bella. No one does this to you better than I do," he said against my mouth. How right he was. Not that I had anyone to compare him to, but I was sure no one could ever make me feel this way.

His hips were firm, and he hit spots inside me that I never knew existed before. His mouth devoured one nipple and then the other, and I held onto the edge of the desk for my life.

"Fuck!" He slowed his movements a bit more, moving my right knee over his shoulder, his mouth laying kisses on my face. The new position made all the feelings triple.

"You're mine," he whispered, and my eyes snapped opened. He knew! He knew everything! How did he know?

"You're mine, Isabella. He can't have you. I won't let him," he continued to whisper, and for a moment I didn't think he was even talking to me. What was going on?

"Edward?" His eyes met mine, and his half grin relaxed his face. I pressed my palms to his cheeks.

He moved faster then, with long, even movements, one after another. His hip was hitting against my bottom, the noise breaking into the room. My eyes rolled back, my eyelids shut.

"No, damn it! Look at me!"

I couldn't give him what he wanted this time. The pleasure was too much, and that familiar burning was building in my belly. I was so close now.

"Bella, please, look at me."

I tried. I whimpered some more and forced my eyes to focus. He pressed his forehead against mine, then stopped.

"No!" I whimpered. He chucked against my bare chest. How could he do this? I was so close, only a few more thrusts away. I wiggled my hips against him, hoping he got the hint. He hadn't come. I knew he hadn't. So why, for the love of all that was holy, was he stopping right now? I needed this.

"What do you want?"

I understood immediately the game he was playing. He was going to make me beg. The better side of me refused to give in. I remained still and quiet. He gave me a long thrust and stopped again. I shivered and groaned. My head hit against the table. Maybe if I knocked myself unconscious this wouldn't be so painfully hard to do.

"Tell me what you want, Bella."

I bit my lip and shook my head. I couldn't do this. He had everything. Why did he want this, too? He filled me completely and then pulled out of me. My legs shivered. Why wasn't he affected by this?

"You know I know exactly what you want, but I need you to tell me you want it. I want to hear you say it! I _need _to hear you say it."

"Please," I whimpered, and there it was, the begging. My pride scolded and screamed at me, but I couldn't stop my mouth. "Please, Edward…"

He gave me one slow thrust. "Please, what?"

The even, slow movements could have done the trick, but I wanted him to crash with me, and I could make that happen because I knew what he needed, too. I could make Edward come undone, too—of that much I was sure. I set my pride aside.

"Please, make me cum for you, Edward!"

He smiled and ran his hand all the way up my stomach to my breast, running his thumb over my hard nipple. Then he continued.

The pounding noise came back, along with grunts from his mouth that purred in his chest and whimpers of incoherencies from me. I came for the second time for him—just for him, as he'd requested. My hands fisted in the hair at the back of his head; our mouths pressed against each other. He groaned and made a few more thrusts, and he crashed along with me. My name sounded like a lullaby sung from his mouth, a breathy relief.

"Bella…"

I felt his kisses on my jaw, and I moaned.

"Are you and he?" he asked, voice broken. Even with all the confusion it caused me, I couldn't lie to him.

"No."

He looked into my eyes and nodded, a smile slowly creeping into his mouth. Cocky bastard.


	2. Away

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you to MixxyLion and all the ladies that commented and gave me encouragement to continue!

________

_I felt his kisses on my jaw and I moaned. "Are you and him?" he spoke and I could hear the breaking in his voice and, even with all the confusion it caused me, I couldn't lie to him._

"_No" he looked into my eyes and nodded, a smile slowly creeping into his mouth._

_________

**Edward - ****Monday, February 23, 2009**

"No," she confessed, and I smiled to myself because, for a moment, I believed her. I believed her because there wasn't anything I wouldn't believe from that mouth. I believed her because I wanted to think there was no other man in the world she wanted. Only me.

I hated this - this loss of control, this infatuation, this urge. I hated all of it and it was all _her_ fault. I couldn't stay away from Isabella Swan and I was going to lose more than just my mind because of it.

The way he rested his chest against her back. The way he spoke against her ear. The shit-eating grin he wore when she tangled her fingers with his. God! The way she smiles for him! She smiles for him with such abandon, so nonchalant and appreciative. How was I supposed to believe that there is nothing there? How could I believe her when he was leaning in to place a kiss against her mouth and she was going to let him? No! My mouth - that's my mouth! What is going on with me? I wanted this. I wanted her to move on, and now I'm on the edge of committing a crime of passion because she did.

I felt a sudden shiver and when I looked back down at her, I realized it hadn't been me. Her fragile little body, exposed in the dim light of the empty room, was cold - or perhaps it was after-shivers? She always got those. I slipped out of her and sighed, sick to my stomach when my own body realized the loss. It missed hers. It missed hers more than it missed oxygen or water or food. I should be disgusted with myself after the way I just treated her, the way I pulled her and threw her, the force in wish I entered her, the way I made her beg, and yet, I didn't.

"_Please make me cum for you, Edward!"_ I could listen to those words forever. I could make love to her once again before leaving this room - just so I could hear those words again, to feel her contracting against me. It was heaven – at least that feeling was what heaven must feel like - and it had been too long . . . too fucking long:

**Saturday, December 6, 2008 (2 months, 2 weeks and 3 days ago):**

"_Are you sure they don't know?" She spoke against my mouth, her arms wrapped around my neck, and her exquisite fingers tangled against the hair in the back of my head. I loved that more than words could say._

"_Who?" I asked between kisses, moving from her mouth to her jaw, to the outline in her neck where I found her pulse. I stopped there to suck and nibble, and breath her in. She moaned and pushed her body farther into me. I smiled, enjoying the reaction. _

"_Everyone - Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett - are you sure they don't know … about us?" She finished that question with a high-pitched little cry when I pinched one of her nipples, my little kitten cry. It was mine. I was the only one who could make her utter those sounds._

"_It doesn't matter Bella. I don't care. This is nobody's business but ours. We're adults now." I stopped to look into her eyes; this was not the moment I wanted to have this conversation, not after the millionth time we'd been over it. She smiled and stood on her toes to urge me for another kiss. Instead, I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder. She giggled harder when I threw her body on my bed and watched as she bounced. _

_Before she could form another annoying sentence about how my sister and our friends knew about us fooling around, I had placed a kiss in her warm center through the fabric of her panties, inhaling deeply. Her head fell back and her legs spread wider in anticipation. The smell was beyond intoxicating; it was addictive. It was sins and caramel and aged wine, and I moaned against the fabric, feeling the little shivers from her beneath me. It was things like these that scared me half to death. These would be the things I would miss - no one could make me harder than Bella. Never had I experienced something of this magnitude, and it was maddening. _

_I moved the fabric away and widened my smile as she wiggled her hips at me. I wondered if she knew the involuntary movements her body did for me - the way she reacts to everything I do, how beautiful her little whimpers and noises can be. I traced my tongue from her entrance up to the little angry nub at the top, the one I circled around. There it was, my kitten cry, and she returned the moan I made against her folds with a moan of her own._

"_More," she whimpered. Who was I to deny her? My tongue circled around her one more time before it traced her walls, her smell, her taste. It all added to the natural high she caused in me. I untangled my arm from her thigh and reached over to feel her breast. Her back arched, and her fists tangled in the sheets. It was truly a beautiful sight. _

_Her panties were gone now, and I continued my assault on both her breasts and pussy. It wasn't long before I felt her grinding against my mouth with more intensity. She was close and I knew exactly what she needed. The move she needed to cum. Just for me. I slowed my movements, waiting for her pleas._

"_Edward. . .do it." I smiled against her. Yes, my darling, I always know what you need. "Please. . ." She was breathless - wiggling her hips, while she pushed my hands farther into her chest. No more teasing was needed. I craved feeling her climax. I took her clit into my mouth and sucked on it, then moved my head from side to side, just like I knew she wanted, and in seconds she screamed out, shuddering with her release. _

_While she was still riding out the waves of her orgasm, I entered her. I groaned with my hands fisted and eyes shut in concentration, and felt her walls contracting around me. She still shivered. I plunged deep into her again, and another kitten cry escaped her lips. It took all my concentration to not cum at the very moment. I buried my face into her neck, she trembled more, walls still tight around me. How could something like this ever be wrong? "Fuck. . ." Keep it together, Edward, keep it together, I kept telling myself. Her shuddering finally stopped. _

"_I love when you do that. . ." She spoke in between breaths and a smile. I placed a kiss on her swollen lips._

"_I know. . ." and I began to move again. Her legs tangled around me, and her heels pushed me farther into her. Our lips never parted for a second and before long, she was close again. The tightness around my own throbbing cock told me so._

"_Cum for me, Bella! Come on, baby. . ." This time had been a lot more powerful than the first time, and her mouth spoke my name while she came. That was the end of me. I was so gone. I exploded inside of her, with such intensity my eyes blurred. My chest vibrated with groans, and her fingers tangled in the back of my disheveled hair. _

_Yes, this was definitely what heaven must feel like._

**Present:**

Still, that night was more than amazing, earth-shattering love making. It was the night she spoke the words I've been hiding secrets for, the words that tore at my stitches. Godammit Bella:

**Saturday, December 6, 2008, (2 months, 2 weeks, 3 days ago) 2 hours and 6 minutes later:**

_I've read this book about 5 times already, all about "Human Genetics." I was almost obsessed, but if I was going through with this, I needed to catch up with current times, so I read on, again, and felt her shift next to me. _

_She always slept the same way, in a fetal position, facing the window; the talking would come soon enough. It always did. She'd be so angry at me if she knew the small conversations I've had with her subconscious. _

"_Edward," she whispered in her sleep, and there it was…_

"_Yes?" My book rested against my lap now, as I leaned forward to place kisses on her jaw. She moaned, and I wondered what she would confess to me tonight. She frowned. No, tonight would not be good._

"_What's wrong my love?"_

"_Why are you leaving me?" Heaven didn't even exist! It was just a figment of people's imaginations - of my own desire. Hell. Hell wasn't even a place. It was this. This is what hell is . . . those crushing words. I tensed and swallowed. _

"_Bella…" Was I begging?_

"_Don't leave me Edward!" Oh, for fuck's sake! Why are you doing this to me? How do you even know? Nobody knows. Nobody knows anything! I had made sure of this! I opened the book in the middle. The letter was still there, but how could she possibly know. She giggled, then moaned, one more time. _

_I can't do this anymore… for her or for me?_

**Present:**

"Edward," she then spoke, standing now fully clothed in front of me. I ran my fingers through my hair and then my shirt. I looked down to meet her eyes. "Where have you been?" She reached to place a hand against my cheek and I stepped back. No, I have to get the hell out of here. What was I doing?

"I…" I looked back to the door and reached for my bag.

"Edward!" She was angry. This was better. Angry was so much better.

"I really have to take that lecture . . .." I felt her hold onto my wrists. Those beautiful, tiny fingers were all mine, and they would always be.

"What in the hell is wrong with you?!" Hell. Yes, that's what's wrong with me. I placed my palm in her neck and forced a kiss. She didn't fight it, but relaxed and her arms wrapped around my neck. She tasted like damnation.

"I'm sorry, Bella." I spoke against her mouth and bolted, running down the hall and passed the closed door of the convention center. I just needed to stay away for a bit longer.

**Authors Notes: **

**(Remember I'm still rusty, hot and bothered, but rusty!)**

**You guys are sneaky devils; this was supposed to be a one shot and look what you've all made me do! Do you hate me for the cliffy? I have to keep you wanting more right? (I'm still going to keep going back and forth in past and present to give you a a better understanding of things, I hope you don't mind)**

**I need your opinions and reviews, I need to know how bad or good this is to know the things I have to get better at or what's been working this far. THANK YOU so much for those who reviewed, you guys are TRULY amazing. **

**The link to the thread for this story is in my profile. **


	3. Searching

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you to Mixxy for her help!

__________

"_What in the hell is wrong with you?!" Hell. Yes, that's what's wrong with me. I placed my palm in her neck and forced a kiss. She didn't fight it, but relaxed and her arms wrapped around my neck. She tasted like damnation. _

"_I'm sorry, Bella." I spoke against her mouth and bolted, running down the hall and passed the closed door of the convention center. I just needed to stay away for a bit longer. _

__________

**Bella - Saturday, March 7, 2009**

"I'm sorry, Bella." The words forced my lids opened. They were greeted with furrowed brows and eyes so tightly closed they made his face seemed pained. I couldn't speak. For a moment I worried about all the possible reasons for his disappearance or the sudden distance. Could I claim to know him enough to know his intentions were never to hurt me?

Before I could speak Edward had left me and ran down out of the lab and into the hallway, I watched as he passed the convention center. _"I really have to take that lecture." _he had said, but he was lying, he was lying now on top of everything.

I couldn't cry. The confusion of the situation was so infuriating; I couldn't shed a single tear.

I was his - there wasn't a doubt in my mind about it, but he wasn't mine. He never will be. That's just a matter of fact.

Jacob met me outside as planned. Apparently I was going to be driving his precious VW until my truck was fixed and there were a few "rules" I needed to follow. One of them included giving the car a small pat on the rear as a sign of affection at the end of the day. I enjoyed Jacob's sense of humor. It was childlike and refreshing. He was no Adonis, his words didn't make my head spin and he didn't turn my stomach into a knot, but Jacob made me content and I wondered for a second if that would ever be sufficient.

________

I refused to go to class today. I felt like little square letters of a scrabble game scattered over a kitchen table. I felt like pages ripped from a novel that contained vital information to the plot. I felt like making a crack on Edward Cullen's skull!

At moments such as these, after you've already drowned yourself in junk food and ice cream, there is only one thing you can do. You call your best friend and beg for help.

"You better have a good excuse for not being in class right now, young lady!" Her tone was playful and giggly when she answered the phone. I suppose any normal human would have said "Hello," but this was Alice I was talking to.

"Alice…" I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Oh! You need me! Alright, meet me for lunch in an hour." I didn't need directions - we both knew the place. "You know what? Make that two. I have to go yell at Whitlock. He was supposed to be here 5 minutes ago! Is there any chance he'll ever learn to be on time?" I laughed "There he is! I'll see you soon honey…" She hung up.

This was the usual conversation with Alice, no need for explanations. No need to even form coherent sentences with Alice. I missed her now more than ever. She was my best friend and there was nothing that could ever break that bond, yet it was sad how school and boys could get in between something this important.

Today was the day – I had already convinced myself on the matter. Today, I'd break rules and regulations of our agreement; I was done with all the dam secrecy --

**Saturday July 14, 2007 (****1 year and 8 months ago)**_**:**_

_I was staring into the mirror of the bathroom of Emmett's apartment. The noise outside was deafening. I wasn't drunk – just tipsy. Everyone else, however, was trashed. I heard a knock at the door._

"_Busy!" I screamed, hoping the person could hear me over the music._

"_Bella, it's me." My stomach did flips and I looked into the huge cabinet mirror to adjust myself one more time before opening the door. I cursed myself a million times. I knew what he wanted. I knew what I wanted. Here in Emmett's bathroom, with our friends outside, it had turned into a very sick game._

_Our mouths locked as he walked me backwards until I hit the counter top. Edward tasted like hard liquor and, coming from any other mouth, it would have made me sick. Instead, it made me feel even more intoxicated than I was. He held my face, both hands secured on my jaw, as he sucked on my bottom lip. As he moved on to my top lip, I almost felt faint. _

"_Mmmm… You've been drinking." He spoke, running his teeth over my bottom lip. I shivered and nodded. "What were you drinking?" He moved lower to assault my collarbone. I rested my head on the mirror as my eyes rolled back in my head._

"_Rosalie was making me Long Islands…" My voice sounded distant even to my ears. His hands had moved up under my shirt and were rubbing my breast. Edward's touches were hardly ever soft, but that was exactly how I liked them - he knew that. He pinched both my nipples and nibbled on my ear lobe - my mouth released a strange little cry._

"_My kitten cry," he whispered. The words didn't make sense, but the room was also spinning and trying to make sense of things was futile. _

_It didn't take long for both of us to be stripped down to our underwear. The alcohol we'd consumed helped with the sudden loss of our inhibitions. I reached my hand into the front of his boxers and gasped. "God, Edward, you're so fucking hard!" He chuckled against my chest._

"_I'm always this hard for you Bella," his voice was husky and strained when I wrapped my fingers around and gave his hardness a squeeze. _

_Suddenly, there was a loud noise at the door, a bang that made the door vibrate, sounding like someone fell against it. Neither of us could move, frozen with the fear that we had been caught. Then there was a giggle over the music and whoever was against the door was gone. _

"_Fuck!" He spoke letting his forehead fall against my shoulder. A second later, he was back to tracing kisses down my neck. _

"_Edward, we need to stop doing this." I pushed at his bare chest a bit, even with eyes closed, enjoying his lips. _

"_Why?" His kisses had moved up to my jaw._

"_It just feels wrong…." He stopped. His green eyes were suddenly piercing my own and, for a moment, I thought he was hurt. I was picked up from the counter top and placed back down on the floor. "Edward, I…" He turned me to face my reflection in the mirror - to face my flushed face, swollen lips, with breast and belly exposed. He stood behind me, a crooked smile decorated his mouth, obviously up to no good._

_In a matter of seconds, I was out of my panties and Edward's fingers were tracing my folds. I pressed myself against his erection, my head falling back onto his shoulders. "Are you sure that feels wrong, Bella?" His fingers entered me and I could only moan in response. _

_Releasing me, he swiftly removed his boxers. I looked down at the counter, ashamed of meeting the person in the mirror. "Bella look up." I met his eyes through the reflection. He bordered my entrance and I pushed back for it. "You want it?" He was teasing me. I nodded. He began to enter me then, in a slow torturous movement, inch by inch. I pressed my palms into the cabinet, almost losing balance from the feeling. I looked down at my hands again, but his fingers moved my chin back up, and forced me to meet his eyes again through the mirror._

_His face looked strained, mouth parted. The vein in his forehead was exposed and glistering with the sweat that was accumulating there. He pressed a kiss to my ear once he was completely inside me. For a moment, we just stood still. I was completed. We fit perfectly and, at that moment, we were one in the same. "What about that? Does that feel wrong?" I didn't dare break his gaze as I shook my head, moaning when I felt him twitch inside me. "God, Bella!" He began to thrust and I fell forward, my breath fogging the glass. _

"_Harder!" I spoke, watching a smile spread over his lips. I had never done that before. I had never consciously asked for it to be any sort of way, but the alcohol still mingled in my system. "Harder, Edward…" I groaned when he did. I knew he was right. This did not feel wrong, but if it wasn't wrong, then why were we constantly hiding? _

_He never lost pace, entering me with the right force in just the right rhythm, hard and steady. I kept watching him in the mirror as best as I could, our eyes constantly meeting over the reflection. On occasion, he would rest his forehead on my shoulder, grunting, brows furrowed, both his hands holding my waist firmly. He would lay kisses there, soft opened mouth kisses that made me shiver, and soon I was getting closer. _

"_I won't last any…" I could hardly hear his words over the music and the noises my throat was releasing, but still I had known what he was trying to say. I reached my hand down, my fingers circling over my bundle of nerves and I began shuddering. I had been closer than I thought. _

"_Fuck! Yes! You do feel good. Edward, it feels so good!" My entire body shook violently, my face rested on the counter, while I let my orgasm overtake me. I had never been so verbal or loud before, but it wasn't bothering me one bit. _

"_You look so hot when you cum, baby!" I forced my eyes to focus and caught him right at the moment his own orgasm hit. With his forehead resting against my back, body jerking, and one hand placed next to my own in the counter. "Fuck…" Another jerk, eyes closed tight. His breath was tickling at my skin and I moaned. All the time I had felt him twitching inside me, over and over; it had been the most intimate thing I had ever experienced. It felt amazing. He felt amazing._

________

**Present**

I was early to meet Alice, about 45 minutes early. I couldn't even take a sip of my drink. I felt sick. Keeping a secret like this from a best friend should be a crime. I shouldn't even be considered a friend anymore. This is unforgivable.

I heard the annoying little bell that rested on the door of the diner ring and in walked Alice in all her glory. Graceful cat walk, signature spiky hair and dressed like she'd just walked out of a fashion magazine. She sat smiling and was greeted by the waiter, who not only drooled all over his notepad, but took her order.

"Did Whitlock survive the beating?" I asked, smiling and hoping I could delay the conversation a bit longer.

"I really should snap at him one of these days for always keeping me waiting like that! For as long as we have been together, he should know better!" She smiled back, locking her fingers on top of the table. Uh oh, she means business. "Now, Bella, what's wrong?" Please, someone kill me now.

"I…" I can't do this, I can't do this. Why did I think I could do this?

"Bella! Spit it out!"

"Edward… I…"

"Are you pregnant?! Cause if you are, I'm beating the crap out of my brother since I can't beat you! You can't possibly be that careless! You are smarter than that!" she pointed.

"Of course I'm not…" Wait. What did she just ask? "Why would you assume I'm pregnant?" I watched the waiter bring Alice her drink and linger a bit longer than he should to stare down Alice's low cut red blouse. I would have killed for Jasper to have been here - the kid would have lost both his eyeballs.

"Well… what else could you be so worried to tell me that involves Edward?" Alice Cullen knew.

"You know about me and Edward?" I whispered, then covered my mouth, my hand shaking against my lips.

"Oh. My. God. Seriously, Bella?" She laughed and leaned back into her chair "You actually thought you'd hide the fact you've been banging my brother? Honey, no one hides secrets from Alice Cullen. Ask Jasper!" She took a long sip of her drink and stopped when she saw I only stared down at my soda. I was so embarrassed. "Listen," she said as she reached to hold my hand. I couldn't meet her eyes. "I would never judge you or Edward. I always knew you and him would get together one day. I don't even see him with anybody else, but you two were pretty obvious, especially after he started rooming with Emmett."

I looked into her eyes now; she squeezed my hand a little harder. "Emmett knows?"

"Honey, we ALL know. We just figured you two were just very private, so we never thought anything bad about it, honestly!" she smiled again and I smiled with her, because the room smiled when Alice smiled.

"He's been… distant lately…" I finally confessed.

"Why?"

"I don't know… I hardly see him anymore. I think he's been ignoring my calls." I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, twisting the truth, refusing to mention the little incident in the computer lab yesterday.

"He's been really busy with school, but I hardly see him anymore either," she spoke, tilting her head.

For a second I was hopeful. Perhaps that was it; studying at Dartmouth's medical school wasn't easy. Perhaps he was just busy and needed to clear his mind a bit. It was the final two weeks of the semester, and he had finals. That's simple enough.

________

Days passed. Ten long days, in fact, but who was counting? I called every other day, but no answer. I was fed up.

On Friday, Jacob returned my truck. It was running smoothly and the insane noises it had been making were a soft purring sound now. We watched movies, had a couple of beers and shared embarrassing stories of our childhood and, for an entire day, I didn't miss Edward so much. I made a mental note that I was going to spend more time with Jacob.

Saturday. Day number eleven, two calls and a bag of M&M's later, I was getting dressed. If Edward wasn't coming to me, I was going to Edward. If he refused to open the door, I felt certain Emmett would!

________

The boxes adorned the hallway, piled up neatly in piles against the wall. I almost tripped on one of them getting out of the elevator. What in the hell?

"Hello…?" I peeked my head in through the open door, more boxes.

"Bella?" he came out of his room. "I haven't seen you in so long!" He picked me up into his arms. I was weightless to him. Emmett was immense and strong, but his heart was bigger than him.

"I missed you too, Emmett!" I giggled.

"You want something to drink? Rosalie just packed the fridge. I don't even know half of the stuff that's in there, but you can help yourself." Emmett placed me back on my feet and headed towards the kitchen.

"No Em, that's alright. I was hoping to catch Edward actually." While I spoke, Jasper had entered with one of the boxes from the hallway, apparently it was heavy.

"Hey, Bella." His voice was strained from holding the box as he walked into Edward's room.

I focused my attention back on Emmett, who stood staring at me like I had perhaps grown a second head right before his eyes. "Edward? No, I haven't seen him today. That reminds me - he's supposed to come help us move Jasper in! "

I looked back at Jasper, who was now standing by the door taking a sip of his beer. He looked at me and then back at Emmett, then back to me. His slender body rested against the door frame. Jasper was not only one of the smartest people I've ever known, but his entire presence evoked tranquility. He smiled and nodded, his messy blond hair falling in front of his eyes.

"Jasper is moving in?" I furrowed my brows. "But, what about Edward?" Suddenly, no one was breathing in the room. My heart was pounding so hard I was sure both boys could hear.

"Edward has his own place now. He didn't… you knew that, right?" Emmett asked, accentuating the last question very carefully. I looked back down to my palm. I stared at my phone for some time, then looked back up at Emmett.

"Could I borrow your phone? Mine is dead…" I was such a bad liar, but he didn't question me and handed me his phone. I dialed slowly.

One Ring.

Another Ring.

Another Ring.

"Dude! It's been a week already! Are you going to keep smothering me? We're over! I'm sure Jasper can take care of your needs…" He laughed, a careless open laugh that vibrated in my ears and caused my heart to sink all the way down to my stomach. Apparently, none of the Cullens thought a simple "hello" was enough to answer a phone call. I walked out into the hallway.

"A week?! You've been out of this apartment for a week and you haven't said a word to me about it?!" I was yelling, feeling so angry, so betrayed. How could he do this to ME? Why?

"Bella..." His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Yes, you fucking asshole! It's Bella! What's going on, Edward?! What are you doing?! Why aren't you answering my fucking calls?! Face me, you fucking coward!" The tears brimmed and began to spill over. This was the breaking point.

**A/N: Do you hate me yet? 'Cause I love you even if you do! I know you all want to know why he's being an ass, but you will very soon! You gotta just stick around for me longer, it's a good reason I promise! I'm sorry that I took so long to update, but some chapters take longer to develop.**

**There is a thread for this story now on Twilighted created by edwardbelladiva004 the **_**link is in my profile**_**; I'll answer as much questions as I can on there.**

**Thank you so, so much. I haven't seen so great with answering reviews, but I will from now on! Thank you again, you all have made my days all a little better! 3**

**Thank you Babette12 for noticing the epic fail of a typo!! **


	4. Packing

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you MixxyLion! Thank you Knittingvamp7! Thank you Kismit 1496! Thank you Kyla713!

*scroll to end for author's notes*

______

"_A week?! You've been out of this apartment for a week and you haven't said a word to me about it?!" I was yelling, feeling so angry, so betrayed. How could he do this to ME? Why?_

"_Bella..." His voice was barely above a whisper._

"_Yes, you fucking asshole! It's Bella! What's going on, Edward?! What are you doing?! Why aren't you answering my fucking calls?! Face me, you fucking coward!" The tears brimmed and began to spill over. This was the breaking point._

______

**Edward - Saturday, March 7, 2009**

I rested my body against my Volvo and looked down at my feet. It was so rare to hear Bella so angry, cursing so profusely, but I needed it. I needed her anger. The yelling had taken me by surprise initially, but it was the familiarity of the voice that was excruciating. I had forced any thoughts of her out of my head; if I didn't at least try, I would lose my sanity.

"Edward, you owe me a fucking explanation!" I closed my eyes and sighed in shame. I knew the answer I was going to give and how it would not only infuriate her, but would throw salt on her wound. The thought of hurting Bella made my stomach turn.

"No, I don't." The strain of my voice fueling the bomb that were those words, because in those words was the outline of our agreement - a bogus, sad excuse for an arrangement. There was silence and I rested my head back against the roof of my car. It had cut deep and I knew it.

"Don't even… Don't you fucking… I can't even… That has nothing to do with this and you know it!" She was back to yelling "this goes beyond any of those things" _Those_ _things_. My throat burned, her voice was breaking, and she was crying now. I couldn't take crying; that was the very thing I knew would ruin my escape. I needed to end this conversation quick.

"Edward…" Her voice was a whisper between quiet little sobs and it made my heart sink and feel like my ribs had just been snapped, one by one. I couldn't listen to this; it will be the end of any future plans. "Please…" she continued. I hit the top of one of the closed boxes I had laid on top of hood of the car with closed fist.

"Bella, forget it! Just… drop it! I don't owe you an explanation. I don't owe you anything! Stop!" Those words were battery acid on my tongue. They made me lightheaded and, for a moment, I regretted everything.

I worked so hard for this. I wanted this so bad for so long and now I was going to give it all up, for her. I should have gone about this an entirely different way. I should have thought things through more carefully. I shouldn't have been this big of a coward, but it was never suppose to be this hard. It was too late now and the damage was done. I was on that balance again, of either losing Bella Swan or losing Edward Cullen.

"Goodbye, Bella." I spoke, defeated, and closed my phone. I chose - Edward Cullen.

A gentleman helped me with some boxes and laid them down next to the counter of the post office for me. I picked up the note with the address in my pocket and felt the phone vibrate, looking at the name on the caller ID, I smiled.

"Hey, Dad."

"Edward, your mother is going to be very angry at you son!" He didn't sound mad. He sounded like he was holding back a smirk, and I smiled wider.

"What did I do now?"

"You haven't told your sister." I stopped writing the address in the boxes and sighed. This has to be the day from hell.

"I know, but Alice will understand when I tell her. You know her, Dad! She probably already figured it out anyway and is pretending she doesn't know. No one hides secrets from Alice Cullen and gets away with it. She's just like her mother." I heard him laugh.

"That's very true. Whatever you decide to do, you know I am behind you one hundred percent." My father, though I suffered rebellious years were we fought constantly, was my mentor. He was that wall I could always lean against. I wished with all my might I could put my pride aside and tell him what's been happening with Bella. He would understand, and he'd know what to do. Instead, I swallowed my words and sighed.

"I have to go son. I have a heart transplant in an hour, and I have to start getting ready."

"Alright, Dad. I'll call Mom tonight."

"Please do. She's worried about you." I frowned and hung up the phone.

Once done writing the address in all the boxes, I headed for the counter, dragging some of the boxes with my feet. The post office employee laughed at me.

"Where are all of these going to?"

"Oxford," I replied.

**Tuesday, September 18, 2007 (****1 year 6 months ago)****:**

_I stood from the bed buckling my belt. Bella sat watching the window, holding the sheets to her chest covering most of her naked form. She was breathtaking. There was no doubt about it. I turned to sift through my desk._

"_Edward…" My name was a whisper in her mouth. "What is this?" I turned to watch as she made a hand gesture that pointed from me back to her and again a couple of times. I understood and sat on the bed beside her._

"_I don't know." I answered honestly, lying back on the pillow, hands crossed behind my head. "Two friends, enjoying simple pleasures, I suppose." Though my words did not make complete sense, even to me, I could not really form a correct explanation to what was really happening between me and Bella. _

"_Oh." She looked back out the window and sighed; she did not seem pleased with the answer. "I hear things like this get complicated and turn bad." She didn't look at me when she said this and my stomach had a funny reaction because of it._

"_Bella -" I waited for our eyes to meet. "We won't let this turn bad. No matter what is going on, we are still friends. We will just be friends with a different arrangement. If along the way either of us finds something different, then I'm sure the other would understand, but our friendship will come in first… always." I reached to stroke her cheek on that very last word._

"_So… friends?" she smiled, but it was a different smile, an unsure smile that I'd never seen on Bella before._

"_Friends." I repeated._

-------

The ride to the motel was a very long one, another week in this shit hole and I was going to sink into an even deeper depression. Dad could have rented me a hotel suite, but I could not have accepted it. He hadn't helped me this far; it was better this way.

Laying back in the squeaky bed, I thought of Bella and felt sick. I shouldn't have treated her that way. I shouldn't have said the things I said. I should apologize. I should enjoy the last couple of days I had left here and be with her. I'm such an idiot. I picked up my phone and dialed.

"I can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I'll get back to you very soon… bye." Two rings…it was only two rings before I got the voice mail. She had denied my call.

-------

I had been in the car for 23 minutes, holding the envelope in my hands and watching Bella's big red truck. I hated that stupid machine. It was going to die any day, and Bella was going to be stuck in the middle of nowhere because of it, but she loved the damn thing.

**Thursday, February 21, 2008 (1 year and 1 month ago):**

_She slammed the door of the truck so hard it made me flinch; her face was red with anger. I had never seen her this mad and I worried how long it would take for her to forgive me for this. _

"_Bella!" I yelled as she practically ran past me, her bag hanging over her shoulder, papers and keys in hand. She hadn't even looked at me. _

"_Don't come near me!" She turned and pointed, then turned back around and continued up the stairs. I had run after her._

"_Would you let me explain, please…" I begged and watched her fighting to open her door. She was shaking with anger, the noise of her keys echoed around the hall of the dorms. _

"_Fuck you!" My eyes widened. Bella had never spoken to me that way. I've heard her curse before, but never directed at me this way. She managed to open the door and tried to close it before my hand caught it. I pushed myself inside. "Edward, leave me alone, you've done enough!" she yelled and threw her things in her table. _

"_I just wanted to help you!" I stood frozen by the door. _

_Bella had been flunking Professor Moore's class and was devastated. If her average GPA lowered, she could lose the full scholarship she was given to attend Dartmouth and all she had worked for would be ruined. Bella couldn't afford the tuition on her own. _

"_I do not need that kind of help, Edward! That was cheating!" she yelled._

_I had spoken to my father about the problem Bella was facing and he made some calls to see how he could help. Moore was well known for what a hard ass he was and how he would never give extra credit, but my father's name was prestigious in the university. I always argued with the idea that our last name was the reason we could attend Dartmouth instead of our GPA. My father knew that asking for this kind of help was because it was important to me, so he didn't ask any questions about who Bella was and why I needed to help her; he was just happy to help. That was just the kind of person Dr. Cullen is and one of the many reason he is such an excellent doctor. _

_Apparently, Moore was not so happy about his arm being twisted for a specific student and made it well known to Bella. I heard of the incident from Angela when I had run into her in the hall. She witnessed the whole thing after class. It wasn't pretty and, apparently, the Cullen name had come up on various occasions. I had run 3 red lights just to get to the dorms before her._

"_Bella… I thought I was helping. If you lose your scholarship…" I pleaded. _

"_If I lose it, I would know I lost it because of my own fault! I got it on my own too, you know? I didn't need anyone else's status to get that fucking scholarship! My dad didn't get it for me! I got it and I've maintained it on my own as well!" _

_The words hit me like a ton of bricks and a punch in the jaw, and my thoughts blurred with anger. _

"_What exactly are you trying to say, Isabella?! That I'm here because of my father? That I'm a 4.0 because my father is Dr. Cullen M.D?!" I shook my head. "I worked my fucking ass off for that GPA, and I've been working my fucking ass off trying to get out of my father's shadow! So, don't you fucking throw that shit in my face! This is the first time I have ever asked him for help with school, because I thought I'd help someone less fortunate than I was. Professor Moore is a prick, and he wasn't giving you the chance you deserved! No, he shouldn't have yelled at you, and he shouldn't have said the shit that he said, but you shouldn't be an ungrateful little bitch when all I was trying to do was help you!" _

_My breathing was heavy, my brow furrowed, my fists clenched at my sides but everything came crashing around me suddenly. Tears ran down her face and her small little hand covered her mouth. I'd hurt her, and bad. _

_I acknowledged my mistake then, took a step toward her, and stretched my hand, hoping she'd realize I was sorry and come in for a hug._

"_Get out!" she yelled so loud I gasped and my hand was back on my side. "Get the fuck out of here Cullen; I don't ever want to see your face again! How dare you?!" She shook violently; her screams breaking with sobs. It all felt like being sucked into a void, and I was panicking. _

"_Bella, wait! I'm sorry." It took all my courage to walk a step toward her, but she took a step back. I felt the walls closing in around me. "Bella, please…" She pointed to the door and closed her eyes as another tear escaped her. _

_I refused to leave things the way they were, and resorted to drastic measures. I grabbed her face and brought her mouth to my own, pressing a kiss and closing my eyes. _

_I felt her pushing at my chest with all her might, but I held her face and placed small intruding kisses along the outline of her tears. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry, Bella… listen to me…" My words were interrupted with kisses that I hoped would ease her anger; instead, she turned her head from me. _

_I stopped and straightened my back. She was saying no to me; she didn't want me and my head was hurting because of it. My breathing was ragged, and the room felt like it was spinning. I rested my forehead on her jaw, smelled her, ran my nose along the sharp edge, and kept my eyes closed tightly. I would not fight her anymore._

_Before my hands could release her face, she was holding onto my wrists. Her grip was hard. She was still very angry, but I took it as an indication that it was ok to continue. I sucked on her neck, moving closer to press my body against hers. She still held my wrists. I moved, so both our hands were stretch to the side. Her head still looked away, but I did not stop. Inibbled at her collarbone, and finally felt a sigh. _

_-------_

_Her face still looked away, even after letting me strip her to undergarments. She still refused to let me kiss her and I was becoming very agitated. She was punishing me and it was working. I rested my forehead against her jaw once more. I did not dare to speak. All that could be heard was our panting; not even a moan escaped her mouth and my confidence was beginning to crumble. I cupped her breasts and pinched her nipples, then tugged them hard. I knew she liked that. Finally, I was rewarded with goose bumps and a sharp intake of breath. Her nipples became hard under the fabric, and I smiled, delighted. _

_Once the bra was removed, I dared to look up. I couldn't do anymore. I refused to continue. I've been punished enough. I needed her mouth and I would beg if she needed me to. "Bella…" I began, but before I could continue, her mouth was finally on mine._

_It was such a rough and violent kiss, with her fingers tangled in the hair in the back of my head as she sucked on my bottom lip so hard, I let out a throaty moan. If angry Bella meant I would get kissed this way, maybe having her angry wasn't so bad after all. Our tongues fought for dominance, pushing against each other, but she won and again I moaned. Wow. _

_My thoughts were foggy and, in seconds, I had pushed everything off the coffee table. She sat on it as papers, candles, and cups decorated the floor. She laid back and I situated myself on my knees between her legs, my hardness pressed against her core. I leaned forward and pressed kisses on her belly. The smell was always so intoxicating. I pulled to remove her panties._

_Her nails scratched at my back when she yanked the shirt over my head, and I worked on removing my pants as I buried my mouth between her folds. She was so wet. I was surprised and, when I groaned, I was rewarded with the most precious sound in the entire universe - my little kitten cry._

_I ran my tongue over her folds, holding her thighs tightly, her legs over my shoulders. I wanted to try my very hardest to make it up to her. I'd do anything at this point. My tongue entered her and I watched as she arched, but still she didn't moan and my stomach was acting funny again. _

_Her fingers tangled in the hair in the back of my head and they pulled. She didn't want me to finish her like this and, again, I worried I had done something wrong. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I knew every one of her buttons; I had pushed every one of her buttons, but nothing seemed to be working right. She had pulled me enough, and I rested against her neck. I ran my tongue to collect the sweat that was building there and, in a sudden movement, I was inside her and another cry escaped her mouth. I sighed in relief, feeling myself throb inside her. _

_My hips moved of their own accord, long swift moments that brought me in and out at an even pace. Her warmth and the tightness around me becoming stronger with each thrust, but when I looked up at her, the image perturbed me. She stared at her left, her eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration on something else. I would have stopped, but the anger that fuelled inside me didn't let me. Instead, I bucked my hips harder against her. _

"_Bella!" Her concentration wondered when I saw her eyes rolling back. She held her breath and clenched her fist that laid by the side of her hips. I gasped._

_Bella was trying not to cum. She wasn't done punishing me, and my stomach ached in apprehension._

"_Bella…" I rested my mouth against her ear to whisper, my voice sounding strained and my movements still as hard as they were seconds ago. "Bella I want to make you cum…" She arched her back under me, her breasts pressing against my chest; she turned her gaze the other way. She was becoming tighter and it was becoming harder for me to last longer. "Bella, please… let me make you cum…" A soft little whimper hit my ears and it vibrated down my spine and into my groin. I moaned. _

_Holding her wrists, fist still clenched over her head, I pinned them against the coffee table, but I had brought her legs back over my shoulders. My legs were now stretched and the new position allowed me to be excruciatingly deep inside her. "Bella…" I continue to plea, her eyes so tightly closed she looked in pain, but she was trying to concentrate, her teeth biting down onto her lip. "Please… I need to feel you cum, Bella… I won't stop until you do." I whispered between clenched teeth and her walls did a sudden spasm, my head falling on her shoulders. _

"_Fuck… I won't cum until you do. I'll pound you for hours if I have to, Bella!" I hit my own fist against the coffee table when I felt another spasm and heard another whimper. "Bella… please…" I gasped, my orgasm was aching in the base of my shaft, and it had become practically impossible to hold it. "Bella… I need it… " _

_Her body began to shake and her mouth screamed in defeat. I had never heard something so mind-blowing in my life. I cried against her neck with my own release. I knew I'd never been that loud, groaning and panting; I released her wrist and brought my hands under her shoulders, letting her rest her head on my palm. She continued to shake, and her walls contracted for longer than I had ever felt them do. I waited, watching her face as wave after wave of bliss hit her. _

_Finally she opened her eyes and I stared into the dark pools for as long as I could. I knew it then, that I was smitten and head over heels for Bella Swan. I cursed all the gods because of it. Plans shifted and gears began running faster in my head, compromising future plans and overwriting the laws I had implemented for myself throughout my years. Shit… _

--------

I sighed and placed the letter in the windshield of her truck, then turned for my car.

The realization of all my mistakes came two red lights and one green light later like some sort of epiphany, and I knew then that this letter would never be enough. I had a lot more to explain than just my sudden departure, and my less than gentlemanly behavior. A letter could never say what ran through my head for two years and, worse yet, what had been eating at me for the last three months. A letter could never tell her what a bastard I've become. A letter could not explain that I am doing this for a lot more reasons than just my future aspirations. A letter could never explain to her that no matter where I am, no matter how badly I have ruined this and who I ever decide to become, I am more than sure I would never love anyone, the way I love her.

I am such a fucking coward!

______

**If you liked the fact it was on a coffee table, thank kyla713. I made her the little gift of picking between that or the dining table, just because I love her like that! (p.s. have you checked "The Office"? you should!) **

**Do you still hate him? I don't… but I sure as hell want to slap him! I know it doesn't make much sense still, but if you stick around, I promise it will all make sense. All of it! (There are clues in all the chapters.) Sometimes there are things that you just have to do. He's just a stupid boy going about things the wrong way, because that's what boys do. **

**Couple of questions for you to answer: Don't you just love Carlisle? ( I DO!) How much would you hate me if there are some chapters that will not have smut in them (but yes some fluff and goodness)? Still think it's another woman? How much do you dislike Jacob? *snickers* Any questions that you have for me, just go to the thread (link in my profile) or PM me. 3 **


	5. Empty

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you MixxyLion! Thank you Kyla713!

*scroll to end for author's notes*

________

_I sighed and placed the letter in the windshield of her truck, then turned for my car._

_The realization of all my mistakes came two red lights and one green light later like some sort of epiphany, and I knew then that this letter would never be enough. I had a lot more to explain than just my sudden departure, and my less than gentlemanly behavior. A letter could never say what ran through my head for two years and, worse yet, what had been eating at me for the last three months. A letter could never tell her what a bastard I'd become. A letter could not explain that I was doing this for a lot more reasons than just my future aspirations. A letter could never explain to her that no matter where I am, no matter how badly I had ruined this and who I ever decided to become, I am more than sure I would never love anyone the way I love her._

_I am such a fucking coward!_

________

**Bella - Sunday, March 9, 2009**

I didn't sleep one bit. After leaving Emmett's apartment, I spent the rest of the day going over possible reasons why Edward would be doing something as ridiculous as this, and there was no logical explanation. I grew angrier; and by the time the phone rang, indicating it was him at the other end, it was too late. If he didn't want me in his life, I didn't want him in mine. It was as simple as that. I declined the call.

He was right about one thing; he didn't owe any explanations. I kicked myself hard knowing that I was stupid enough to think that perhaps, one day, our escapades would lead to something more. How silly was I to think I could ever be good enough for Edward Cullen?

I spent the entire morning trying to kill time by taking a long hot shower, drying my hair and making a big breakfast, but nothing could take him off my mind. Finally, at 9:45 a.m., I was out of the apartment and heading to my truck. It was Sunday and, after Edward's disappearing act, I had made it a ritual to visit my favorite coffee shop, work on school and wait for Alice's call.

The air left my lungs in a sudden puff when I saw the white envelope in my windshield and the neat hand writing on the front that I recognized. It was Edward's. There was no doubt about it.

I placed my bags on my hood and stared at the envelope for what seemed like hours. I debated whether I should open it or not; the anger making me regret my breakfast, not to mention my head was pounding. Curiosity got the best of me and, with shaky hands, I took two pieces of papers out of the envelope – one was new and perfectly folded, the other seemed to have been folded and unfolded many times. It had a big round stain that most likely was made by a coffee cup and it had begun to gray. I decided to open the stained paper first.

_Dear Mr. Cullen,_

_We are pleased to inform you of your acceptance to the Human Genetics program as an exchange student at the University of Oxford. Considering your cumulative GPA, our BOARD has agreed to grant you with a full scholarship to cover your tuition and housing expenses while you are in Oxford._

I stopped reading when my vision became blurred with the tears that invaded my eyes. I held onto the edge of my truck for support, not trusting my knees to be able to keep me up. I sobbed for a while and, once I could finally see, I picked up the other letter and opened it slowly… the tears kept coming.

_Dear Bella,_

_Once we agreed that when either of us found something different that the other would understand. This is my only hope. You are one of the few people who truly know how much this opportunity means to me, how hard I've worked for it._

_I know that this is most likely not the right way to go about things, but I decided it would be better to keep it a secret from everyone until the very end. I don't want to say goodbye. _

_You are the first to know of my departure; everyone else will find out Sunday morning, I will be leaving to London for two semesters that night._

_I will be keeping in touch._

_I will miss you, Bella._

_Yours truly, _

_Edward. _

You fucking coward! I tore at the paper with such fury you would think that making the words go away would be the answer to my problem. He was probably telling his sister at this very moment.

How could he be selfish enough to wait until the very last minute to not have to suffer the grief? How could he do this to his sister, to his best friends? I pressed my palm against my mouth and suppressed the sob that was building, closing my eyes tight enough to hurt. Even with the realization that I had last night, which made me sure I would never be good enough for Edward, I wasn't ready for a hit as hard as this one. Again, I found myself holding onto my truck for support.

I picked up my bags and headed back to my apartment, intent on heading for my bed. I would cry that bastard out of me even if it was the last thing I did.

________

When I finally decided to get out of bed, it was three in the morning on Monday. My eyes were swollen and they hurt. I wasted my entire Sunday sneaking small naps in between sobs. It was exhausting. Now, at 3 a.m., my stomach finally decided to make itself known by becoming a pinching pain that was too excruciating to ignore. With eyes nearly swollen shut, shaky legs and a lump still permanent in my throat, I headed toward the kitchen. There, sitting on my counter, were my keys, my bag and my cell phone that blinked with unanswered calls and messages. I groaned and rubbed my eyes, trying to focus them enough to read.

I had fifteen missed calls and twenty text messages, mostly from Alice. I was surprised to find that Emmett and even Rosalie had called. There was one text message that stood out the most and it was from Jasper:

_Hang on in there, Bella.  
- Jasper_

I finally smiled. Despite the simple message, it meant a lot. I was humiliated, everyone knew now that I had been kept in the dark, that I was just Edward's lousy fuck. So, between all the pity messages and the I'm sorrys, there was a simple message that said that even through it all, I just needed time to seal all my wounds. It was the only message I replied to.

I had a quick snack and headed back to bed.

________

**Monday, March 10, 2009**

I groaned and rolled my eyes when I saw Alice waiting for me in front of my first class. I loved her and I knew that she needed someone, as well. Her brother had just left for a year to another country. I was no good to her now, though. I was at loss also.

"I'm sorry, Bella." She began and I sighed at the words. Whatever happened to pretending like nothing ever happened?

"Don't worry about it, Alice. I'm fine," I answered, now standing in front of her.

"I thought he would tell you, Bella!" She held onto my wrist tightly as she spoke. She was holding me there, because she knew that her little confession would make me want to turn and run.

"What? Wait, Alice, you knew?!" I tried to pull my hands away, but she held them hard between us.

"You know that no one hides secrets from me, Bella! I thought he would tell you! I wanted him to be the one to tell you. It wasn't my place…"

"You lied to me!" I screamed loud enough for some students to turn to look, cutting her off before she continued. I was beyond infuriated.

"I didn't lie to you Bella! I told you the truth. I hadn't talked to him in a while; he had been busy with school. I hadn't heard from him for that entire week! I would never lie to you…."

"Okay! You know what? You're right, you didn't lie to me! How silly of me. You hid the truth from me, which cannot possibly be any worse, right?! I mean, Edward sure as hell didn't think so. It must be a Cullen thing!" I looked into her eyes, watching as tears began to dance on the edges, but I couldn't care at the moment. Walls started to close in around me and the headache that had managed to subside this morning was coming back full force. "I have to go to class now, Alice." I managed to loosen my wrist from her grasp and turn to my class. It would be a long day.

________

I left my class thirty minutes before it was supposed to end, knowing that Alice's class would be ending at the same time as mine, and she would most likely be waiting to talk to me again. I managed to make it to the nearest coffee booth, ordering the tallest and most caffeine-filled drink I could get.

"I'm guessing that you're drowning yourself in coffee 'cause it's too early to be drinking?" I smiled. The soft Southern drawl was a welcome sound.

"You don't happen to carry Vodka with you, right?" I turned to watch him chuckle. Jasper's hair was a mess, his back visibly tense with the bag full of books.

"No, sorry, but on Friday you can join me and Emmett. We plan on drinking each other under the table. He still doesn't understand I was raised making moonshine. I can handle my liquor better than he can!"

I smiled, looking down; they had continued their life like nothing had ever happened and here I am acting like my world is ending. I sighed and turned to leave, not having anything else to say.

"Bella…" He called at me before I could take a step away. I didn't look up at him, because tears were already threatening to escape my eyes. "I know you don't want to talk about anything right now, but you know I'm here if you ever need to." I nodded and smiled half-heartedly. Jasper was a psychology mayor and he had made it his job to be the ears to all our problems. I had never needed his advice before, but I had heard from all the others, he was the best at it.

"I just want to be alone right now. I don't want anyone's pity. It was his decision and I wasn't the only one that faced the consequences of it. So, I don't know why people are focusing on me. It is a great opportunity, and I'm glad he got it. He had worked hard for it." It was the truth. Being accepted to Oxford with all expenses paid was a privilege and he deserved it.

"That's not what we are debating, Bella. I do agree with you on that but..." He paused mid-sentence, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his cell phone to answer. "Hey baby... shhhh. Calm down. What happened?" His eyebrows furrowed and I knew I was in trouble. "Bella doesn't hate you, Alice. I think it's better for her to be alone right now."

He looked over at me, wide-eyed, and I knew I had to bolt. I finished pouring sugar in my coffee and placed the lid back on, but before I could turn to leave he was holding onto the back of my arm firmly. I sighed, knowing I couldn't fight this speech if I tried. I could hear Alice's hysterical voice all the way from where I was standing. "Just give her some time, baby."

He released my arm once he was sure I wouldn't go anywhere. He whispered loving words into the phone, telling her he'd meet her for lunch and they could talk about it, that he promised to be on time. Once the conversation was over, he turned to me with a raised eyebrow.

"She knew Jasper! She knew and she didn't tell me anything!" I screamed in my defense.

"Alice has a sixth sense about things that still amazes me!" He laughed and picked up his cup, adjusting his bag before he continued. "I spend months trying to find the perfect gift for our anniversary. I went through insane measures trying to keep her from finding out what it was. A week before the big event, she tells me that she hopes what she's wearing for that night matches with the necklace I got her." I laughed, but covered my mouth when I saw him roll his eyes in obvious annoyance. "If you find a way to keep a secret from that woman you let me know!"

He shook his head and turned to walk toward the door, but turned to face me a few steps later "Bella, what you and Edward had was something between you and Edward. None of us had any business intruding. It's like you said: It was his decision. She had two choices, to betray her brother or betray her best friend. She trusted her brother would make the right choice. So now her brother is gone … don't make her best friend leave her, too. " He smiled and continued his way out.

Ah. fuck!

________

**Friday, March 14,2009**

I had spent the entire week avoiding calls and people. To my surprise and dismay on Wednesday at 7:15 p.m., my phone received an international call. It was Edward. It took all my strength to decline the call instead of picking it up and yelling every known obscenity I could come up with at him. He ruined the rest of my week.

Friday couldn't come soon enough, and I was looking forward to crawling under my covers for the rest of the weekend.

I noticed Jacob's car immediately when I arrived at my parking lot, and I smiled despite feeling slightly absent of myself. He was pressing the intercom to my apartment.

"She's not home!" I greeted him with a smile when he turned around.

"Where have you been, Ms. Swan?" He practically ran toward me, picking me up from the ground in a hug. He was warm and inviting, and I was small in his embrace. Engulfed in his huge arms I was practically invisible and I needed that.

"I've been busy with school," I answered as my feet were placed back on the ground. Jacob didn't know about Edward and it was better this way. I felt he wasn't polluted with crazy ideas and misconceptions. How could I even begin to explain what Edward and me are or were and what he chose to do last Sunday?

"It's Friday, Bella. We need to do something tonight. No more school work!" He demanded. poking at my nose and smiling a Jacob smile that always made me smile along with him. "Let's go to Eric's bar!"

Before I could protest, I was dragged into his precious VW and we were on our way.

________

It was five beers and two shots later in Eric's bar that Edward was finally a distant memory. Seth Clearwater dropped by and I had never met a funnier character in all my life. He was Jacob's best friend and had known him since very young. The best stories were embarrassing stories of Jacob.

"Billy had to sit him down that day to tell him about the birds and the bees so he would stop freaking out about getting a girl pregnant from kissing!" We all laughed except for Jacob, who shook his head and took another swig of his beer.

"You forgot to mention the part that it was you who told me she could be pregnant because I kissed her, you son of a bitch!"

At that, everyone burst out into laughter. It felt good; it felt free to be able to laugh out loud with complete abandon and not to give my broken heart another thought. In that very moment, nothing had ever happened and I was still whole and invincible. Maybe it was the alcohol?

The bartender stopped by, offering another round of shots, but I declined. Jacob thought it would be best to take me home. The ride back was silent and my eyes were dropping the entire way. I could feel him chuckling every once in a while.

"You okay, Bella? You had too much to drink?" He asked with a slight smirk that I wanted to punch out of his face.

"I did have a little bit too much, but I'm mostly just tired. I haven't been sleeping well at all this week." I spoke the absolute truth, the detail of why I was missing sleep was completely unnecessary. I finally felt relaxed and tired enough to be able to rest.

When he arrived, I fumbled with my keys and he finally worried enough to decide to help. I was swung over his shoulder in brute force and, for a second, I thought I would be sick. I screamed and begged him to put me down, but he laughed the entire way up the stairs.

"You're a caveman!" I yelled after I had composed myself enough, but I had a smile on, because again his smile was contagious.

"Did you have fun, Bella?" He asked sweetly and innocently, which was so out of character for him, it made me meet his gaze to find a soft spark in his eyes I had never seen before. I nodded. "Good! I hope whatever it was that was bothering you is long forgotten now!" He smiled one last time before he turned to leave and I panicked.

I knew that as soon as he was gone, the thoughts of Edward will infest my mind again and the anger wouldn't let me sleep. I needed sleep. I needed something to distract me.

"Jacob..." I whispered and he turned in confusion, but before he could ask what was wrong or understand my plans, I pulled at his shirt and brought his lips against mine. The force was enough I heard his palm rest abruptly on the door behind me.

The kiss was rough and desperate and his scent dizzied up my senses. He tangled his fingers in my hair and brought me closer to his mouth, sucking on my bottom lip and moaning softly. My hands snaked around his neck and caused his body to press against me. He was burning hot and standing on my toes wasn't enough to completely reach him. He had to bend at the waist. Our tongues danced and our mouths sucked on each other's lips until they were red and swollen. Finally, he pulled away.

"Wow. Okay... I wasn't expecting that!" He laughed and held onto both my cheeks, looking into my eyes. There was lust there and I wondered if I'd let my guard down long enough to ask him to come inside. "Goodnight, Bella." He made that decision for me. I smiled, but it was a slightly less innocent goodnight kiss than usual. Still, it _was_ a good kiss.

Once inside, it all dawned on me and my stomach twisted and turned in a guilt I couldn't understand. I compared them, though there was no comparison. I debated, though there was absolutely no argument. I built pros and cons and Edward lost all of them. Before drifting to sleep, I let myself remember the way this whole thing even started:

**Friday, February 9, 2007 (2 Years Ago)****:**

_The colors from the screen cascaded from the movie and reflected against his skin, making it glow in the darkness. During the entire film, all I remained focused on was the soft rise and fall of his chest and the electricity emanating from his every pore. It burned and ached against my own skin and, on occasion, I nibbled on my lip from the temptation of wanting to reach out and stroke his arm. I enjoyed the way he furrowed his brows when he was concentrating or the way he would occasionally chuckle. _

_Alice and Jasper always joined us to watch movies, but that night they never showed up and Edward and I decided to continue on without them. I had known him for as long as I had known Alice, and there was nothing odd about having him in my apartment. Even if I melted at the sight of him, he never saw me as anything other than his sister's best friend. _

_I was nervous; I spilled my drink on more than one occasion and once our hands brushed against each other reaching for popcorn and my heart threatened to beat out of my chest. I was being ridiculous._

_Once the second movie was over, it was one in the morning and there was a weird sense in the air. For once, I saw Edward fidgeting. I wondered if he felt as awkward as I did as I walked with him to the door._

"_They owe us big time!" he said, putting on his jacket and picking up his keys from the counter._

"_That's alright, I can forgive them just this one time." I didn't face him. I washed my hands after I finished washing the dishes and headed toward him to lock the door after he was out. Once I reached him, he just stood there, with the door half-opened, focused on something on my face. My breath quickened and I looked around, hoping to find something to keep me focused. Nothing was interesting enough and I met his gaze for a moment that seemed never ending. _

"_Bella..." The tone of his voice was different, raspy and low, and it gave my stomach butterflies. I just stared into his eyes and waited for him to continue. "I want to kiss you and I don't know why...." It was a whisper and I gasped when he shut the door. _

_Should I have said no? Did I know it was breaking a line? Did I give any inclination that I wanted him to? I did. I parted my mouth to savor his breath and I spoke, "Okay." In an instant, his mouth pressed against mine and my entire body went into overdrive. _

_He rested his palm over my jaw and inclined my face farther toward him. His free arm snaked around my waist and pulled me to press against him. He was warm and delicious. His mouth was like Christmas morning in bright fluorescent colors with huge presents adorned with big red bows. It was falling and falling and landing safely on your feet. I placed both my hands on his cheeks and stood on my toes, pulling him farther toward me to run my tongue over his lips. He parted them and our tongues danced. _

_We couldn't stop, and before I knew it, my back was pressed against the counter and lust was consuming my every thought. My eyes rolled back in my head when I grinded my hips against his and he moaned. He was hard. I could feel him against my belly. His teeth softly nibbled on my bottom lip and I released a soft little cry. He practically growled and I felt my knees shivering. _

_We were interrupted by the sudden ring of a cell phone and he pulled away surprised. Trying to gather his breath, he picked up the phone. He smiled as he watched me trying to compose myself. _

"_Alice Cullen, you're in trouble!" He answered, licking over his swollen lips and I found myself suppressing a moan. "We just finished the last movie and I'm heading back to my apartment now. Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Alright. Yeah, okay. I love you, too. Alice, don't worry about it! She's not gonna kill you! Go back to your womanly duties." There was a moment of silence and then his laughter hummed in my ears. I stood still resting my back against the counter, still flushed. "That was disgusting! I'm telling Mom! Goodnight, Alice!" The last words sounded like a threat. _

"_I don't think I want to know," I spoke, breaking the awkward silence that rose once the call was over. _

"_No, you don't... umm... She... wants to have dinner tomorrow to make it up to us. She said she'll call you tomorrow." He didn't look into my eyes, and was fidgeting again. He turned to the door. _

"_Alright, I'll see you tomorrow then."_

"_See ya!" He looked at me one last time and I knew I was blushing every shade of red. When he closed the door, I locked it and rested my head against it bending my knees and sitting on the floor. My heart still raced. I had never been kissed like that before and I knew I would never be kissed like that again. _

________

I was awoken by the ring of my phone and if it wasn't because I knew who the particular ring tone belong to, I would have thrown it against the wall.

"Hello..." I sounded like death and I knew it.

"Bella..." Her voice was broken and it broke my heart along with it.

"What's wrong, Alice?" I sat up, rubbing my forehead like it could possibly ease any of the throbbing headache.

"Bella, you're my best friend. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me anymore. I didn't know things would end up the way that they did. I didn't know..."

"Alice, it's ok. I overreacted. I shouldn't hold you accountable for his behavior. You were right; it wasn't your business to intrude." I heard her sigh and I smiled some. "Now, please, tell me you're about to make your famous hang over pancakes so they are ready by the time I come over," I groaned.

"Are you kidding? I had to go get more mix at the store. Jasper and Emmett's little competition cleaned me out! Those two baboons. They can hardly stand up this morning. You missed the show last night!" She chuckled and I would have also if I wasn't about to pass out.

"Who won?" I spoke, finally able to stand up to head to the bathroom.

"Rosalie!" I couldn't help it then, I laughed.

________

**I know this chapter took way too long and I apologize. My real life decided I was having it too good and decided to kick my ass for an entire month! I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I'm hoping to get back on schedule now that this chapter is finally up. It is also extra, extra long, so I hope you guys like it.**

**I know you probably have a lot of questions and I urge you to stop by the thread and ask. I will always be there to answer as much as I can without giving it all away. **

**Please don't judge Edward too harshly. I promise there will come a time for him to explain all of his actions to you and to Bella. Also, know the place where Bella stands and don't hate Jacob too much. **

**Notice that this chapter didn't have smut, which might disappoint some, but there is more to this story than lemons, there will be more smut coming your way real soon! I promise, if not, Dawn will flick my eye.**

**Shit, this is getting really long, but a huge thanks to Dawn for being such a beautiful amazing woman who I love dearly and has patience with me. I hope I get to work on a one shot with her soon. Julie for staying up late hours to talk to me, I hope you feel better. To Trish for being an amazing writer and making me a one shot (DefinatelyStaying). Last, but not least to Sherri, for being a wonderful Beta! **

**I read every review and hopefully now I will be able to go back to answering all of them. I need them to know how much you like the chapters and how much you hate them, and what you would change and what you wouldn't change. So please, do click that pretty little button down there and let me know what you think!**

**(P.S. I will update as soon as I can. I would do it daily if real life permitted, but sometimes life hands you lemons (and not the fic kind, sadly) instead of inspiration, so I hope you will understand if the updates are not as frequent as you might want. I will do the best I can! Thanks to you all!)**


	6. Oxford Part I

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you, AgoVita and MixxyLion! Thank you, Knittingvamp7 and Kyla713!

*scroll to end for author's notes*

________

_How could he be selfish enough to wait until the very last minute to not have to suffer the grief? How could he do this to his sister, to his best friends? I pressed my palm against my mouth and suppressed the sob that was building, closing my eyes tight enough to hurt. Even with the realization that I had last night, which made me sure I would never be good enough for Edward, I wasn't ready for a hit as hard as this one. Again, I found myself holding onto my truck for support._

_I picked up my bags and headed back to my apartment, intent on heading for my bed. I would cry that bastard out of me even if it was the last thing I did._

________

**Edward - Friday, August 7, 2009**

It's been six months. Six aggravating months and I still have six more to go. My grades are perfect, my roommate is a great guy and I've actually made friends with a couple of professors. Still, despite all my success in Oxford, there was a maddening empty feeling in the back of my throat, which had a name - a sweet sounding name that made my tongue dry and my head throb: Bella. After the major mistake that was my letter and my lack of balls in telling my friends and sister about my departure, I promised I'd never email her; then every week on Thursday, when the clock would strike twelve a.m., I'd make the call. The call she would never answer. The call she always declined. The damn fucking call that always made my heart plummet to the pits of my stomach.

**Sunday, March 8, 2009 (Six months earlier):**

_When the time came that Sunday to tell everyone, I couldn't get the words out fast enough. My father was on his way to pick me up to take me to the airport, and it had to be quick, like a band aid._

"_Guys!" I was fidgeting, shaking my leg, looking back at the table and then at the door, trying to measure how many steps I needed to get to it - just in case Emmett got too mad. They were all laughing at something, all joking, and they hadn't mention Bella, which was good. _

"_Hey Edward, next month we have to go kayaking again, man! I haven't gone in a while and I'm starting to get the itch!" Emmett spoke placing his arm over Rosalie's shoulder. We exchanged looks and laughed._

"_As long as you promise you'll wear some sort of floating device!" Rosalie spoke between laughs. _

"_Rose! My kayak tilted once, okay?! Besides, that's not funny I could have drowned!" Emmett removed his arm and sat back on the stool. I assumed he was trying to sound hurt and instead sounded childish. _

"_Oh baby, I'm sorry! Come here." Rosalie cooed, reaching over to place kisses over his cheek. _

_Introducing Rosalie to Emmett was perhaps the only right decision I had ever made in my life. She made him happy and Emmett, despite his big man exterior, was a sweet and loving guy. He'd been taken advantage of way too many times before and deserved someone like Rosalie. A hard ass independent woman who doesn't need anyone to take care of her, a woman who was her own army, a woman who was with him because she loves him, not because she needs him. To be completely honest, I don't even know how he has kept up with her, but they complement each other. I fear they one day will decide to have children. _

_I turned to face my sister; she sat in between Jasper's legs on the floor, his face buried in her hair placing a sweet kiss, knees bent in either side of her. She was so small, so fragile looking, and I thank all the Gods I'm leaving her with the most over-protective man I had ever met, a part from me, of course. He worshiped the ground my sister walked on and I could learn to live with that. He was a great man, with great Texan values and smarter than everyone I knew, he'd take care of her. Of that, I was sure. _

_My sister stared at me intently; she was waiting for me to tell her, she's been waiting all along. I gave her a crooked smile, because that's all I had in me. If only she knew how much I'd miss my little munchkin. My sister was my life, despite the two years difference. I was always her protector, just like Bella's; her tears tore down every barrier I'd ever built. That's exactly what was coming - those tears, the ones I managed to escape with Bella, but not with Alice. I can't do that to my sweet little Alice. The difference was that with Alice, I knew she'd forgive me, because she always did, and with Bella, it was all a mystery I was too chicken shit to wait out. _

_I wondered for a second how I would get through this day without breaking down. _

"_I won't be here next month, Emmett." I spoke, still looking into my sister's eyes, watching her as she closed them tightly. The moment of truth had finally arrived. _

"_Where you going, man?" Emmett asked, slightly confused. _

"_I'm going to be in Oxford for a year." I spoke, looking down at my beer. "Two semesters. I got a full scholarship." The silence was deafening. All I could hear was my heart beating, the bomb about to explode. "I leave tonight." I heard Rosalie gasp and then her tiny little arms were around me, my little munchkin's arms. _

_I turned and wrapped my arms around her, kissing her forehead. "Don't cry, Ally. Please, don't cry." She sniffled and held me tighter; I looked up to find Jasper standing there dumbfounded. _

"_Why couldn't you tell us sooner?" Jasper asked one of the very questions I had been dreading the most, and I sighed with my sister still in my arms. _

"_I didn't want to deal with this for months at a time. This way the grief is short-lived and the sooner I leave, the sooner I can come back. Plus, I didn't want anyone trying to convince me not to leave. Right, Alice?" She nodded and didn't speak. When the little sobbed escaped her lips, I almost thought I'd lose my mind. _

"_What about Bella?" The second twenty dollar question came from Rosalie. I turned to face her and found Emmett, jaw clenched, looking out the window. I was expecting his anger. I sighed and kissed my sister's forehead again. _

"_She should be getting the letter this morning." There was a sudden shift in the room; it was intense now and my sister left my arms as she looked up at me, tears flowed down her eyes. _

"_You told her in a letter, Edward?!" Rosalie spit out._

"_You're a fucking asshole! You know that, right?" Emmett's words could have thrown me off the chair. _

"_I…" I tried to speak, but found the words just weren't there._

"_Edward, that's awful!" Alice spoke, her petite hand covering her mouth. Jasper now stood behind her, holding her against him. _

"_I didn't know what else to do, okay? I couldn't find the right way to tell her, to tell anyone as a matter of fact!" I spoke in my defense, but it clearly didn't do anything. _

"_Your logical conclusion was a letter, Edward? That's rather disappointing!" I closed my eyes, Jasper's words punched at my gut. _

"_Please, these are my last hours with you guys. I just want…" I opened my eyes to find Emmett had already gotten up from his seat and bolted for the door - the slam made me jump and with a sigh a I hung my shoulders. _

_In that moment, I knew I was pretty much fucked. _

**Present:**

I woke up to the usual noise in the kitchen, the smell of fresh tea in the air. I just didn't have it in me to get my legs to proceed to the bathroom. Instead, I tangled my fingers behind my head and yawned. In about two minutes, my roommate would come barging through that door anyway, and I would have no other choice than to get up. It was Saturday and I would spend the entire day doing research, which is what I did most weekends. This meant that my mind would be distracted by thoughts of Bella, and it will no doubt make my life a bit more difficult.

Like clockwork, my door swung open and my roommate, Mike Newton, stood in his boxers with toast in his hand.

"You're a fag." He spoke with a slick American accent, and I laughed.

"Isn't a fag a cigarette?"

"Not to you, right? To Americans, a fag is a homosexual. I've seen enough American movies to know that much!" He spoke matter of factly.

"Yes, but we try not to use the word as it is very derogatory to the queers." I tried my best professional voice and waited to smile when his laughter broke the silence of the room.

"You bloody twat! If you weren't so cute, I'd fucking punch you right in the face for being such a wanker!" He took a bite of his toast. Mike Newton was, of course, gay, and one of the funniest guys I'd ever met. He also knew all about Bella and even helped me with keeping girls at bay. In the beginning, he had been worried I'd judge him and refused to talk about his sexual orientation, thought it was obvious to me from the get go. One night after finding him in tears when his boyfriend of two years broke up with him, he opened up and he's pretty much the only friend I have in Oxford.

"Do you plan to do something tonight or will you stay at home again and let life pass you by?" He asked, sitting in the chair at my desk, crossing his legs and taking a bite of his toast.

"I have a lot of –"

"– research to do. I will also come home early and stare at the ceiling, thinking about Bella. Did I mention how I am a tool?" He caught me off guard with his impression of me, complete with square shoulders, deep voice and the horrible American accent he always pulled off. Mike continued, more serious this time, "Listen, Sid is throwing a party today. You really should come!"

"So I get hit on by guys the entire night? I have enough with you in this apartment!"

"You wish, Yankee Doodle! Actually, Sid is a straight lad! You really should come, Edward. You need to live a little, experience life! You're going to regret being stuck in this apartment the entire time you were in Oxford! Oh! We should take a trip to London soon!" I laughed, mostly because Mike was starting to sound like my sister. I sighed, remembering how much I missed everyone. With all the work I was handed and the papers I had to finish by the end of the year, I decided it would be best not to visit and apply for an internship that I was lucky enough to get. Also, if I got this over with and arrived without having to leave again, it would make matters a bit easier. That would put this whole problem in the past and I could get to work on the future, whatever that future might be. "Edward, are you even listening to me, you fucking pluke?"

"I'm listening! I'll think about it, okay? I have a paper to finish today and I'm hoping to see Professor Nomakeo at some point. She has a book she said I could borrow." By the time I finished speaking, I had gotten up from the bed and had begun stretching. Everything ached. I never slept good enough these days and it was taking a toll on my body. I watched Mike's smirk and followed his gaze, which just happened to be focused on my crotch. I rolled my eyes and threw him a pillow! "Alright, enough with the window shopping!" I turned and headed for the bathroom.

"Oh bugger, this view is not bad either! Bella is one lucky girl, eh?" I laughed and closed the door behind me. I sighed, because I knew it was the other way around.

________

The day passed slowly, excruciatingly slow, as did most weekends. The words in my books were scrabbled and felt like nonsense. The coffee couldn't keep me alert long enough and I missed her. I missed her so much it was devastating and I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself for this entire mess. I had left everyone so quickly. They all put smiles on for me when it was time to say goodbye, but I felt the tension and anger around me. Emmett never came around. A week after I was gone, I decided I'd at least hear from someone how he was doing and decided Jasper would be the one to tell me.

**Saturday, March 21, 2009 (Six Months Ago, A week later)**

"_Hey Man!" He answered with a slight cheery tone. I smiled, content at sound of a familiar voice. "You all settled in already?" It was good to hear Jasper's voice._

"_Yeah. I just met my roommate. He's a great guy. I'm still not sure about the whole tea thing though, but I'm surviving." He laughed. Then, there was an awkward pause, because Jasper was shrewd enough to know that I called for more than just a chat. "How is everyone, Jasper?" _

"_They're good. Emmett will come around soon, man, he's just upset. You know how he is. The girls are out shopping somewhere causing trouble." The girls - the little trio - my stomached turned. "Alice has been spending a lot of time with Bella lately." The tone of his voice had changed at the last sentence, becoming accusing and harsh. _

"_How is she?" I asked, almost in a whisper. I hoped it was soft enough that he couldn't hear me and wouldn't answer the question, because I knew Jasper well enough that I knew there was a speech coming. When he scoffed, I braced myself._

"_How do you think she's doing, you son of a bitch?!" I inhaled sharply. Jasper was always a kind man and rarely ever lost his temper, but when he did, it scared the hell out of Emmett and I, which was saying a lot, considering he was actually the smallest of us three. "I'm sorry, Edward, but you're a smart fucking man. I still can't understand what you were thinking."_

"_I wasn't thinking, alright?!" I spit out._

"_No fucking shit?! This is by far one of the most selfish things you've ever done! Edward, you love Bella, why the hell couldn't you come to terms..."_

"_You don't know shit about me and Bella..." I was angry now. We had tried to keep it a secret. I had tried to avoid telling my friends about Bella, but they all knew. _

"_To hell with that bullshit! None of us are stupid enough to fall for that! You just couldn't compromise, could you? What where you trying to prove to yourself exactly?! That you can't be tied down?! That you don't owe anyone any explanations? You had a relationship with her, whether you'd like to admit to it or not, and she deserved better than to hear this from you in a letter! In fact, she deserved to hear about this the moment you got that acceptance letter in the mail, and you know it!"_

"_Just like you told Alice about Yale, Jasper?!" It was a low blow and I knew it, because there was a long pause after I had asked. A year ago, Jasper turned down Yale to stay in Dartmouth with my sister. It's the only secret anyone has ever been able to keep from her, and only Emmett and I knew about it. I had tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen to anyone. "You're being a fucking hypocrite!" _

"_No, Edward." His voice was strained then, seemingly trying to keep his control. "My decision to not to go to Yale never affected Alice and, if I would have decided to go, I would have told her long in advance of leaving. I knew what that would mean for both of us, just like you knew what was going to happen with you and Bella. You owed it to her, Edward." He paused and I didn't speak, because I knew he had more to say. "My parents are dead. I have no siblings. I only have Alice and you know that. I wasn't going to risk it, and I wasn't going to risk her future either. I am good with what I have here. I don't have to prove myself to anyone, because I am the only one left with my father's name. I don't have the competition."_

"_Fuck you, man!" I spoke with a sigh, rubbing my face furiously. _

"_I just hope that, in the end, all of this was all worth it, man." He stopped and sighed, sounding distant like he was drifting away in thought. "Because, if it's not worth it in the end, Edward, you're gonna realize you lost something far more important."_

_I didn't speak. I couldn't speak. What could I possibly say after that? Jasper made his decision; I made my own. Now, I must live with the consequences of my actions. _

**Present:**

Her scent took me out of my daze and I felt dizzy for a second. It was a nice scent, probably very pleasing to others, but it was too much for me. It lingered in my nose and made me feel like I was drowning in it. She sat in the chair next to me and bumped her shoulder with mine trying to get my attention. I smiled weakly.

"Hey." I spoke in a whisper, failing to bring any sort of animation to my voice, but apparently it was enough for Tanya, because her mouth broke into a smile.

"You're going to Sid's party, yeah?" Her English accent was thick, and I looked over to be greeted with dark blue eyes and wavy strawberry blond locks. She was beautiful, that was never the question; but her eagerness annoyed me more than it ever interested me.

"I don't know yet. Mike invited me, but I have so much work to do." She placed her hands against my own and rubbed on my knuckles. I sighed, enjoying the soft comfort it brought.

"You work too hard, Edward. You really should take a break, smoke some spliff; get your drink on." She finished smiling and bumping her shoulder with mine one more time.

"I'll think about it, okay?" She nodded.

"I gotta dash, but I hope I see you tonight!" She spoke against my cheek and gave it a small kiss, her scent again intoxicating me. I shook my head and chuckled under my breath. She couldn't be less obvious of her intentions.

________

I reached my apartment as the sun was setting. It was quiet and I collapsed on my couch and sighed, hoping I could keep the silence for a couple of minutes. I rested my eyes and went over the thoughts of my research I did for the day. If I focused long enough, I could rid my mind of the memories of Bella that always seemed to infest my mind.

"Wake up, you wanker!" I opened my eyes, groggy and disoriented, recognizing the voice, but not entirely sure where I was. "We are going to Sid's or I'm busting your balls for the rest of the week!" I finally focused enough to find Mike looking through my drawers. I could still see him from the spot on my couch.

"What are you doing?" I stood, noticing that it was pitch black outside and my neck was killing me.

"I'm picking out your fucking clothes! You're going to the party with me and that's final! I don't what to hear anymore sodding excuses about research." I watched him pick out an old black t shirt I recognize immediately. I smiled despite my mood.

"I like that shirt. My sister got it for me a couple of years ago for Christmas," I spoke, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"It'll do! Hurry up and change; we're late!" He threw the shirt at me and walked out. I followed his orders with a groan. The only reason I was agreeing to this at all was because I really needed a drink.

The party wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. There was liquor, jokes, pot, stories of embarrassing situations, beer, debates and pills, which was where I drew my line. The night ended with a circle of close friends, who were still a bit rational, sitting near the fireplace discussing politics. I found it odd that politics made sense when there was enough alcohol in your system to drown down logic.

"Where you going, mate?" One of them asked when they noticed me trying to stand, which required a bit more effort when you are this intoxicated.

"Toilet…?" I spoke, tripping over another body on the floor.

After the longest piss I've ever had in my life, I stood facing the mirror, noticing how I didn't recognize my own reflection. My eyes were an odd shade of green, hooded and red. My lips were chapped, dry and discolored. The tone of my skin was yellow, and I looked sick, dehydrated. Washing my hands and splashing water over my face, I heard knocking on the door. I reached to open it and was startled.

The scent was always the first to hit me; the powerful, sweet mango smell that hurt my nose with it's over-powering fragrance. She pressed her palm against the back of my neck and pulled me down to crash onto her lips. Holding my breath, I was able to put the pieces together. She sucked on my bottom lip for a second and then parted her mouth to bring her tongue inside mine. I welcomed it momentarily and groaned at the unfortunate reaction it brought to my body. It had been so long that I had forgotten what a kiss really felt like, but this was no comparison. There wasn't an explosion, time didn't stop, and I didn't feel consumed or on fire.

The knowledge that I'd never truly be satisfied again angered me. I tried everything in my power to try and find something that would spark anything other than lust. I brought my hands to her hair and deepened the kiss, and I was rewarded with a small moan, but her hair wasn't soft enough and her moan wasn't a kitten cry. I ran my teeth over her lower lip and groaned again in frustration, then let go with a sigh. I closed my eyes at the unfamiliar scent.

I could hear her struggling with my belt and zipper, with an urgency I didn't understand. It wasn't urgent to me. I didn't need this; I didn't even really want it, but I had to get used to it now. There was no more Bella. I sighed again when I felt myself in her mouth, her tongue soft and experienced as it was doing the work. I tangled my fist in her hair and moaned softly.

**Saturday, April 28, 2007 (now 2 years and 3 months ago):**

_It had been 3 months since I first kissed Bella and no matter how much I tried to stop myself, things kept progressing. Ever since that first kiss, there was nothing that could stop me from coming back to see her on a regular basis. It was almost an addiction. I couldn't understand what was happening. Bella was attractive; there was never a doubt in my mind that she was, but there was something so inviting about her. Our escapades were becoming more heated and more secretive. The way my body reacted to her was nothing I had ever experienced before, and I was prepared to milk it for all it was worth - no pun intended._

_We were at that moment again where clothes were flying and hands were caressing spots I never knew existed before. I felt like a hormonal teenager, experimenting for the first time. When she moaned against my mouth, when I pinched on her nipples softly, I almost came all over her belly. I could feel myself throbbing. _

_She turned us on the couch, now lying on top of me and began trailing kisses down my chest. I knew where this was going and my body screamed in relief. Before I could brace myself, a soft wet kiss was planted on the head of my shaft and my eyes rolled back in my head. _

_I was never the whore, but I did have my fair share of experiences with other women and, like any other man, having them go down on me was something I very much enjoyed, but none of them could ever compare to Bella. She was so soft and always seemed shy in the beginning. She brought me into her mouth and bobbed her head softly, bringing me all the way out and back in again until I would hit the back of her throat; sometimes she would hold me there. I was already panting and she hadn't even started. I tangled my fingers in her hair when my hips started to buck into her mouth; this is where things would shift. She brought her hand under her mouth and stroked me with the same rhythm her head was bobbing._

"_Oh, god..." I was already trying to hold back my release. She was sucking harder now, moaning every once in a while, sending vibrations from my groin up my spine. I wasn't going to last very long. "Bella... I'm gonna cum..." I announced between clenched teeth, but her movements didn't falter and looking down at her did me in. She was enjoying this just as much as me. Her eyes were closed, but her brows were furrowed in concentration and when I hit the back of her head she moaned again, but it wasn't for my pleasure. She moaned for hers and that thought made me explode. The groan I released vibrated around her living room and I felt a shiver run over me as I exploded into her mouth. I felt her swallow around me and my head fell back against the couch, completely spent. _

"_Fuck Bella..." I muttered and heard her giggle; she had gotten up to go to the kitchen, probably to get something to drink for the after taste. I looked over to catch a glimpse of her naked bottom and moaned softly at how absolutely delicious it looked. _

_It took me a few seconds to gather my strength to get up from the couch. I was still semi-erect and nowhere near done with Bella. I watch the movement of her neck as she drank and the rise and fall of her chest. Her nipples were still hard and they called at me; her sex exposed, and my body begged me to reach out to touch it. She didn't notice the lust in my eyes, and turned innocently to place both her elbows on the counter; her body slightly bent forward, with her ass sticking out again. I was fully hard by the time I reached her and I pressed my erection against her while I rested my chest on her warm back. I placed kisses over her shoulder and smiled when she moaned and pressed herself harder into me._

_In moments, she was grinding into me as I drew circles against her folds. Slow, steady circles I knew she liked very much, and her knees were bending. When I heard that sweet kitten cry sounding noise, I knew she was close. _

"_Edward..." I moaned at the sound of my name. "Do you have a condom?" _

_The question surprised me so much I stopped my movements and stiffened against her. I didn't think things would ever go that far and, even if I had thought about it on occasion, I never hoped for it. She turned in my arms and I stared into her eyes for the longest time. There was a determination in her expression that made me shiver. I thought for a moment and remembered the one in my wallet. The problem was that it was too old, and the only reason it was there was because I always forgot to take it out. I shook my head; it was too risky to use it. _

"_Have you been with anyone since the awareness seminar?" She asked, the tone of her voice was a bit shaky and nervous, and I worried. A couple of months before that day, the university had a huge awareness seminar where we all went as a group to get tested, since my sister Alice was helping to run it, and we were all supporting the cause. I shook my head again because I still hadn't found my voice. "I haven't either and I'm on the pill." She announced and I swallowed, closing my eyes. Before I could form any sort of thoughts, her lips where on mine and her scent numbed all my protests._

_Her hands tangled around my neck and her body was pressed softly around me. The electricity that encircled us was so pure, I didn't want to stop, even if I knew I should. I picked her up and felt her lock her legs around my waist as I walked toward her room._

"_Edward..." She spoke between placing kisses along my neck. II moaned softly. "I've never done this before." I stopped._

"_What?" I pulled away to be able to look into her eyes. Her face was bright red. Oh god, no._

"_I've never..."_

"_Bella, you're a virgin?" I let her stand back on her feet and watched as she nodded, looking down. Oh, holy fucking shit! I rubbed my face and thought back at all the signs that should have warned me about this - her shyness, her hesitations, the innocence in which she carried along with things. I should be ashamed of myself. _

"_I have done everything else. I just haven't..." She continued, her gaze never leaving the floor. My heart thumped wildly. I couldn't do this to Bella. Her first time should be with someone special, someone that would make love to her passionately. I furrowed my brows at that thought. I never even liked when others flirted with Bella. I always found myself feeling so over-protective of her._

"_Bella... I can't do this. Your first time should be something..." _

"_Edward, I trust you. I've known you for so long. I know you wouldn't hurt me, that you'd take it slow and be patient and..." She stopped and turned to head to her room, but I had already seen the tears building in the edge of her eyes. "Forget it." I pulled on her arm gently and brought her against my chest, wrapping my arms around her and kissing the top of her head. No tears. I didn't like tears and when I heard a tiny sob escape from her, I sighed in defeat. _

_I lifted her into my arms effortlessly and walked silently toward her bedroom and placed her in the middle of the bed. Her face turned away from me in shame. I situated myself on my knees between her parted legs and traced my palms from her shoulders, over her breast and down to her waist, examining every line, every curve, every mark and color contrast. Touching was never enough, so I started with a kiss above her belly button and I moaned when she shivered under my touch. Why does she make me so lightheaded? My mouth parted to plant wet kisses, running up from the center of her belly, between her rib cage, between her breasts, an up to the center of her neck. I thought of the consequences of this, the fact that I wanted this to be special for her, that it was an experience she'd never forget. I wanted her to remember it was me who first claimed her body in such a magnificent way, and it angered me because I sounded so selfish. _

_Once I reached her face, I kissed each cheek and waited for her to open her eyes. She was nervous and I knew that, because I was nervous too. I couldn't fuck this up for Bella. I waited for a while and when I was finally greeted by her beautiful brown eyes, I nodded. She sighed in relief._

_I'd heard so many complaints about how painful the first time can be, so I made it my goal that I would do everything in my power to make the moment as painless as possible for her. To do so, I resorted to the very thing that Bella hated the most and made her the most aroused. I teased her. I kissed every inch of her body, spreading her leg and kissing the inside of each thigh and letting my warm breath hit her folds; her fingers were fisted in my hair. _

_Once she was wiggling under me and her skin was covered in goosebumps, I placed a kiss onto her little bundle of nerves, fisting my hands in the sheets on either side of her hips trying desperately not to plunge my tongue between her folds. I swirled my tongue, sucked and nibbled on the little nub, and brought her close to a release on various occasions. I was throbbing and could feel the pre-cum threatening to slide down my shaft. I knew I was driving her insane, and I knew it because her head was trashing back and forth and she was practically grunting. I wondered at that moment if she knew how beautiful she truly was - naked and stretched in the bed, every inch of her glowing with sweat. _

"_Edward... I can't take it anymore. Please..." I growled; shivering from the intense pleasure her pleas brought to me. I situated myself between her legs, my head resting on her entrance. She was dripping, which was the purpose of all the teasing. I needed her that way to be able to slide inside her easier. _

_I looked into her eyes, her breath still ragged, but she was determined, tangling her arms around my neck as she brought my mouth against hers. It was a long passionate kiss and I could feel myself relax against it. Holding myself with one hand, I brought my other to let her head rest against it. As the kiss intensified, I began to move my hips, the wetness of her folds engulfing me. It had been the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. When she stopped kissing back and her mouth parted to gasp, I knew the pain had come and I stilled my movements. My body was shaking; it took all the control I had not to move my hips further. She needed to get adjusted to me first. _

"_Open your eyes Bella." I spoke, stroking her hair with the hand that had been holding her head. "Look at me, focus on me…" I begged, but her eyes remained closed and her brows furrowed. "Look at me, please." She finally opened her eyes and, though there weren't any tears, I could see a fear in them that tore me apart. I placed kisses over her face. "I'm gonna move a little bit, Bella. It will feel good soon. I promise." I wanted nothing more than for her to enjoy this. _

_With eyes locked, I continued my movements and shuddered when I was fully seated inside her. Despite my release earlier, her warmth and the way she clenched around me had made me fight another release. I had begun a slow pace, brought myself all the way out and took a second for a small kiss, and then back inside her, over and over. It was absolutely maddening, but all worth it, when her head fell back and she released a small moan at one of the times I moved inside her. _

_I watched her. She dug her fingers in my hair and pulled with parted mouth and her body turned into a beautiful shade of pink. When I moved faster, she whimpered. _

_It felt like an eternity had passed, being in that moment with her, and I couldn't hold back much longer. I knew first times were difficult; I could still remember my own. So I decided to give her a little hand; literally. I reached my hand in between us and made little circles on her clit. _

"_Come for me, Bella..." _

"_Oh god, Edward" She whimpered as she clenched around me some more. My control was slipping and I didn't know how much more I would be able to last. "Please, don't stop." _

"_I'll never stop..." That was Bella's undoing and, with one more circle, she clenched around me provoking my own release._

**Present****:**

I came with a forced that weakened my knees and made me hold on to the counter to keep up. It had been too long since my last release and the orgasm vibrated through my body. When I felt the soft kisses on my pelvis, I was slung back into reality. Oh, god. What have I done?

I pushed Tanya away from me and began to buckle myself up. I needed to get out of there as soon as possible; I needed the alcohol to be drained out of me so I could actually think.

"What are you doing?" Tanya's voice sounded furious and, to be honest, I could have cared less. "You fucking tosser!" She screamed behind me, as I stumbled over others, trying to reach Mike so we could be out of this shithole.

_**To Be Continued...**_

**Not only do I make you wait so long for an update, I make Edward do this and then I don't even fucking finish it?! I am the spawn of Satan!**

**Wait! Just wait a little bit before you start planning my murder! Listen to me!! There is always a good reason for everything!**

**For Example:**

**1. More Edward point of view.**

**2. More angst.**

**3. More gay Mike.**

**4. I already have part II ready!**

**The Deal:**

**As of right now, 606 people alert this story, right?! I have a specific date I want part II to go up, but if you guys hit 600 reviews before then, I will post it sooner!! So, it's all up to you, my darlings. See... I even gave you some sort of control over the story!**

**Wow... I am truly evil!**

**Thanks to my Beta for being awesome enough to review two chapters in a row! To AgoVita, for hearing me rant and sending me BB messages at work, for loving the YYYs, and for wonderful ideas that make me wanna fondle her! To Kyla713, for letting me fondle her on a regular basis and letting me use her as a character! Thank you to ****Knittingvamp7 for being there for me when I'm totally freaking about this story and agreeing to beta for me on my new project! You rock so hard!**

**I entered a J/A contest a month ago with the story, "Still Crazy For You". I actually WON the contest, which I am still completely shocked over! Thank you SO much for those who voted for me, you guys are the BEST. Anyway, I decided I am going to continue with the story and it's gonna be absolutely fantastic and filled with lots of lemony goodness. Canon characters will be making appearances as well. So, please go read the one shot so far and put it up on your alerts! I should be alternating updates between this story and that one!**

**PS. I love you, especially for reading this long ass A/N!**


	7. Oxford Part II

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Important Note: This chapter is inspired on one of the episodes from the english show called 'Skins'

Thank you AgoVita! Thank you MixxyLion! Thank you Knittingvamp7! Thank you Kyla713!

*scroll to end for author's notes*

________

_  
I came with a forced that weakened my knees and made me hold on to the counter to keep up. It had been too long since my last release and the orgasm vibrated through my body. When I felt the soft kisses on my pelvis, I was slung back into reality. Oh, god. What have I done?_

_I pushed Tanya away from me and began to buckle myself up. I needed to get out of there as soon as possible; I needed the alcohol to be drained out of me so I could actually think. _

"_What are you doing?" Tanya's voice sounded furious and, to be honest, I could have cared less. "You fucking tosser!" She screamed behind me, as I stumbled over others, trying to reach Mike so we could be out of this shithole._

________

**Edward - ****Saturday, August 8, 2009**

My head was throbbing and the light coming from the window didn't help anymore. I haven't been this hung over since high school. My throat ached and my stomach grumbled. I groaned when I heard the phone ring.

"I need the recipe for your hangover pancakes!" I groaned again, covering my eyes with my hand trying to shut away the light emanating from the window. I smiled a bit when I heard her little laugh at the other end of the line.

"Does that mean you miss me?"

"Of course I miss you, pixie!"

"Don't call me that, Edward!" She whined and I laughed, regretting it a second later when my head felt like it could explode. She proceeded to tell me the recipe for her mind-blowing hangover pancakes that had been my salvation in many occasions.

"Did you get all that?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to remember if we have vanilla or not. I'll have to ask Mike."

"Oh, Mikey! Tell him I'll email him later today!" Alice and Mike had actually become quite friends and often emailed and called each other to gossip about celebrities, it was both disturbing and ridiculous. "So you partied hard last night, brother dearest?"

"A little too hard, I think. I feel awful. I'm too old for this shit!" I groaned one more time when I tried to get up from my bed; my head was spinning.

"Oh please! When you come to visit we need to do another drinking competition. I bet you could drink Rosalie under the table." Oh, fuck. I hadn't told Alice that I decided against visiting home and got an internship at one of the labs in the university. I was going to break her heart yet again. One of these days she's going to stop answering my calls and avoid me all together - just like Bella.

"Alice..." I spoke in a whisper.

"No, Edward! Are you serious?!" She yelled, knowing exactly where I was going with the conversation. That's how Alice was, one single word or one wrong move and Alice knew the outcome to pretty much everything. "You promised!" Her voice broke at the end and my heart shattered. I need to repay her for this someday. I'll pay for her entire wedding if I have to!

"Alice, I got this amazing opportunity in one of the labs here. You have to understand, munchkin!" I sat at the edge of my bed; my head was throbbing so bad I almost felt dizzy. "I know I've been horrible to you, but I will make it up to you. I swear!"

"When you come back, you're not leaving for anymore!?"

"I promise!"

"Whatever." She dismissed me and it hurt, but I deserved it and couldn't argue against it. "Emmett wants to speak to you" were her last words before she gave away the phone.

"Hey dude! What happened?" I pushed the phone away some as he spoke. His booming voice and the spinning room weren't helping anything.

"Hey man, I just told her I won't be coming to visit and she's pretty pissed."

"Ahh, you fucktard, we had plans!" I rolled my eyes, contemplating living under a rock until all of this is over. "Emmett, I got an internship at one of the labs here. It's a huge opportunity!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright. So, tell me what's been going on?" Another dismissal, I sighed in frustration, at least he wasn't mad at me anymore. I had left New Hampshire hours after telling everyone and I didn't hear from Emmet that entire first week. He was infuriated at me and as if not hearing from Bella wasn't enough, I had my best friend also ignoring my calls.

**Thursday, March 26, 2009 (6 months earlier, a week or so after departure**)**:**

_My phone rang at around three in the afternoon. I recognize the number immediately; it was Emmett. I sighed with relief. It had been a week since I left and everyone had called except him and, of course, Bella. I was beginning to think he'd never come around._

"_It's about time!" I answered, excitement in my voice, feeling like a fourteen-year-old girl who just had her crush call unexpectedly. _

"_You're still an asshole!" I laughed, because it was a typical Emmett way of breaking the ice. _

"_I know…"_

"'_Specially for what you did to Bella." I listened, rubbing my eyes; the speech that Jasper had given me a couple of days ago still lingered in my head._

"_I know, Emmett." _

"_And for the record, I'm a douche." I laughed again. Those were all the words that were needed. He was sorry and so was I. It was guy love at its finest. _

**Saturday, August 8, 2009**

After finishing my conversation with Emmett, I proceeded to the bathroom to piss and shower. I thought the water might help some, but nothing was working. I needed the pancakes and I needed them pronto. The scene that met me outside of my room made me laugh despite my discomfort. Mike sat at the dinner table with his forehead resting on his arms, his cup of tea untouched, but still obviously hot. He heard me coming and groaned. Apparently, groaning with a hangover was the universal language for: 'Fuck my life right now; I want to lie back down in my bed and hope it swallows me whole.'

"Good morning, mate." His words were slurred and barely audible considering he was still resting on his arms. I laughed some more.

"A little hung over?" I asked, patting him on the back.

"Sodding headache! I'm fucking dying, mate. Vodka always does a number on me!" He stopped to rub his face some and continued, "I need some spliff."

By the time he had finished his little rant, I had located all the ingredients for my sister's famous hangover pancakes. I even found cinnamon and vanilla extract. What those things were doing in this house was beyond me.

"What you need is some of my sister's hangover pancakes." I knew I wouldn't do her pancakes any justice, but I was intent on trying my hardest.

"What in the bloody hell are you talking about?" He asked and I sighed in frustration and stopped to turn and explain.

"I used to party a lot when I was younger, especially in my senior year. Every once in a while, I'd get awful hangovers and my sister would get up and make me what she called the 'hangover pancakes.' I don't know how she came up with the recipe, but a few bites of them makes anyone who eats the damn things feel better. They are pretty famous in our group back at home." I finished proudly, a silly grin on my face as I remembered the many times we sat around Emmett's table and stuffed our faces with them. I even got Bella hooked. My stomach turned at the thought of Bella.

A while later I was laying down a stack of pancakes for both me and Mike. He had picked up the syrup and the glasses of milk.

"Okay, so they might not be as good as Alice's, but at least I tried." I spoke, sitting and looking down at my plate. A wave of nostalgia passed through me, counting back the time I last saw everyone, but I pushed the thought aside and dug at my plate.

"These are good, mate!" Mike spoke with his mouth full of pancakes. "I didn't think you could get any cuter Cullen, but you have surprised me again." I rolled my eyes at his comment. Despite Mike's sexual orientation, I wasn't at all uncomfortable with those types of comments. I knew Mike well enough to know he meant no harm. "So, what happened last night? You ran out of there looking like hell. Got sick there, did ya?"

I stopped eating and though I had begun to feel better, my stomach started to turn again remembering last night. Though me and Bella were never in a real relationship and even if we were where we aren't anymore, I still felt awful, like I had betrayed her and cheated somehow. It was a destructive feeling that I hadn't been able to shake ever since I left that bathroom and now seemed to be escalating to a point it was choking me.

"Tanya went into the bathroom with me," I confessed, looking down at my pancakes and playing with the tiny piece that was left.

"Oh, bollocks!" He yelled and threw his fork. It made a loud noise against the plate and I flinched as it echoed in my head "Tell me you didn't shag her, you bloody twat!" I couldn't understand his anger, but I welcomed it either way because I didn't have it in me to be mad anymore. I was giving up the fight at an alarming rate.

"I didn't fuck her." I still didn't meet his eyes, because I didn't feel like facing the accusation in them. "She gave me head…" I blurted out, almost like one quick word and I promised myself I'd never say those words out loud again. There was nothing I took from the moment except the realization that no other woman would ever touch me like Bella Swan. Although, Tanya's mouth _was_ skilled and warm; the intensity, passion and wanting couldn't be present, making the moment dull and unfulfilling.

"What about, Bella?" He asked calmly and though I wasn't looking at him, I knew he was laid back in his chair. For some reason, hearing the question outloud made something snap in my head.

"Bella doesn't want me anymore! I've fucked that all up! She's obviously moved on and I should fucking do the same!" I yelled, standing so abruptly the chair I was sitting on had fallen back, landing on the floor with a loud noise that made Mike flinch. I felt bad almost immediately. It wasn't Mike's fault and I shouldn't be focusing my frustration on him. I turned to the counter to start putting things away.

"I'm sorry, mate. I shouldn't have brought her up." He spoke, placing both our plates in the sink and turning to me. I couldn't meet his eyes again, knowing exactly the look I would find there, so I just nodded. "I just don't think you should give up on her that easy, Edward." I sighed in defeat.

"I don't wanna talk about it anymore. Even if Bella wasn't in the picture, what happened with Tanya was a mistake. I shouldn't have let that happen." I felt a soft pat on the back before he proceeded to leave the room.

This was my last mistake with Bella. I wouldn't do any more damage. The Thursday calls will stop and I will ask no more questions about her wellbeing and, when I get back to New Hampshire, I will stay as far away as I possibly can.

**Thursday, August 20, 2009 (****12 days later):**

I didn't call her last Thursday and I wouldn't this one either. The spark I had felt once in me was beginning to fade. It had been so long since I've seen her, I had finally been able to start to forget her smell and the way her lips tasted and, better yet, how warm her skin was under my fingertips. Still, with those things blurry in my subconscious, I couldn't get her off my mind. Drowning myself in work was helping some, but Thursdays were going to be the hardest.

The noise of the book that was placed beside me brought me back from my self-induced coma. When I looked up, I was met with a warm pair of blue eyes that I recognized immediately. I smiled and watched her move the chair in front of me to sit.

"I just happened to have it with me and I remembered you wanted to borrow it." Professor Nomakeo spoke with her soft accent. She had taken me under her wing ever since I failed the first exam she ever gave, and found a way to give me extra credit to be able to win back my grade. Thanks to Professor Nomakeo, I was able to keep both my GPA and my scholarship. The book she was handing over would help me in another class she was not teaching, but she was selfless enough to still want to help.

"Thank you. I actually really needed it right now." I smiled at her, though it was a hallow smile and went back to my laptop to finish the sentence I was in the middle of.

"Edward, what's wrong?" The question startled me and I rubbed my face in frustration, wanting nothing more than to fist my fingers into my hair and pull it all out.

"Is it that obvious?" I spoke, closing my laptop and meeting her gaze again. She seemed concerned, eyebrows furrowed and fingers tangled together over the bag she had placed in front of her.

"Not to someone who doesn't know you well enough. I just notice the difference. You have always been very articulate, very opinionated, always participating in class and most of the time you would stay after to talk some more. You've been in the shadows for a couple of days now. Is it because you miss your family?" She asked and, at the last words, that pain in my stomach began to throb again. I was so tired of that pain. At this point, I'd do anything to make it go away.

"You can say that," I answered, looking back down at the book and sighing. I had no words in me. There was no discussing anything; my brain only comprehended the necessary and, though my grades were still perfect, it was becoming harder to concentrate. This was one of the main reasons why I was spending endless hours in the library lately. Sure, I missed everyone back at home, but it wasn't the very reason why my days were now longer than usual. The realization that I had lost more than my sister's patience with me and that my sanity would most likely be the next to go was the real reason for my sudden self-neglect.

"What's her name then?" My eyes shot up and her smile startled me. "Come on! There is something wrong and it's not your family, so it's a lady, correct?" She asked, turning her head slightly, her dark blond hair falling over her shoulders delicately. She was perhaps twelve years my senior, but Professor Nomakeo still looked youthful, though her eyes always hinted on her wisdom. They were sad eyes, distant at times as if in thought, much like mine these days.

"Bella," I whispered and the name only intensified the throbbing ache. I sighed and hid my face in my palms, enjoying the darkness.

"I'm sure things will work out, Edward." I didn't deserve the sympathy in her voice or the kind eyes she gave me when I finally looked at her. I knew better than that. I knew that there will be no way for things to work out. I had screwed up so bad this time that there would be no flowers, love letters, chocolates or mixed CDs that could help me. At this point, not even a sincere apology would do.

When her eyes met mine, there was a soft smile on her lips; a distant little smile that was careful and forced. It didn't look very good on her; she was a bad liar, just like Bella. "Can I ask what happened?"

"Well…" I began, adjusting myself in the chair as comfortably as I could, thinking of possible ways I could summarize this whole mess. "I guess I made a selfish decision and now I am dealing with the consequences. I left home with little explanation of why I was leaving. I thought it would be best, but I was wrong."

"That doesn't sound very characteristic of you." I laughed at her comment, knowing that this was apparently the common opinion of everyone who knew of the incident.

"The kind of relationship that her and I developed was uncharacteristic of both of us. I guess because of it every other decision became just as faulty. It's all set and done now, but I still don't know where the lines blurred." At this point, I was speaking purely to myself, because there was no way that the professor could understand what I was speaking about. "I made the mistake…" The words were slipping out of my mouth so abruptly I was having a hard time to really think them through. "I thought I…" Exactly what was I trying to say? "This wasn't part of the plan you know? Having someone in my life, someone I really cared about. My career is more important. I'm going to be a great doctor one day. I have a name to live up to, Professor. I can't have distractions off that goal. I refuse to -" I stopped when I looked up and noticed how sad and glazed over her eyes seemed. I had made her upset and I couldn't understand why.

"Edward, depriving yourself of a relationship is not what makes you more successful. Trust me on this. I made that mistake once and I'll regret it for the rest of my life. It's too late for me. I'm sure it's not too late for you." She finished and placed her bag back in her shoulder and began to stand up, I stood up with her, still meeting her eyes.

"What do you mean?" The lack of sleep, the constant depression, the stress and the extra time I have spent in books made my head cloudy and this intense conversation had caught me off guard. I didn't understand.

"I chose my career over my fiancé. I thought that I couldn't be with a person who would put limits to my accomplishments. It was either stay, get married, have a family and spend my days as a teacher, or fulfill my dream of going into research." She paused to look down and sighed heavily, her chest seemed constricted and pained. "I got what I wanted and lost what I didn't know I had." The last words she spoke with a faded smile.

The understanding hit me head on and I felt like I could have hurled. This was the other side of the coin. Jasper chose love over his career; he seemed content in the decision though he knew he would have been earning more money and have a much more prestigious name. Professor Nomakeo, though, chose her career over love and was the most successful of all her peers, but was lonely. She was young though; how could she think that it was too late for her? I didn't have to ask, because if the recognition hit me head on, then the next words she spoke gutted my insides.

"What's truly worse is that if I had to do it again, I'd choose my career anyway. No matter what happens, I'll always chose my career over a relationship. That makes me a selfish person, Edward. I never learned to balance things and if I would have just given myself the chance to learn, I would be successful in more ways than just my career." She looked up at me, her eyes filled with fury and determination "Don't be that person, Edward. I know you are smart enough to be able to balance both things."

Her words were final.

________

After the conversation with Professor Nomakeo, I felt more lightheaded than usual and concentrating had become impossible. So, after thirty minutes of struggling with myself, I decided it was time to head home for the day. The clock indicated that in an hour and forty five minutes it would be twelve a clock, which only meant that it will be seven p.m. in New Hampshire on a Thursday night. What use to be the highlight of my day was now a moment of dread and self- destruction.

The water was burning hot when I got into the shower and I let it run over my muscles I needed to relax, the only problem was I couldn't get Bella off my mind. So in the fog of the shower, despite my crippling depression, my thoughts wondered to the last time I had been in the shower with her.

**Friday, November 21, 2008 (Now 9 Months Ago):**

_"Edward?" She whispered and I smiled, because I could already tell she was peaking her head in through the door of the bathroom. I pulled the curtains back and ran my fingers through my wet hair before greeting her, enjoying way too much the way she bit her lip and how her eyes roamed over my naked body. "Where's Emmett?" She asked still whispering._

_"He is staying with Rosalie tonight. Why don't you come into the shower with me?" Though it was a question, I couldn't have helped thinking that I'd beg her if I had to. Thankfully, I didn't have to, as soon enough I was being tortured by the innocent way she removed her garments. She knew I was watching her and her cheeks were a beautiful shade of pink because of it. I promised to myself then that I would fuck her so hard that night she would blush for an entire week, purely for my own benefit. There was nothing more beautiful than those crimson cheeks._

_"Damn it, Edward!" She was startled when I walked out of the tub to swing my hand around her waist to hurry her up. "You're so damn impatient!" She screamed, though she was giggling. Her giggles were abruptly cut short when I pressed her against me and she noticed how hard I was already. It has been almost two years since we had started this sick game and she never once failed to cause this reaction in me. My biggest fear is that she always would._

_"How long has it been?" I asked, kissing over her exposed shoulder, carefully walking backwards toward the shower. I didn't need her to answer me, because I clearly knew it had been a week and two days since we had last been with each other. Once in the shower, I looked over the shoulder I has been kissing just so I could enjoy the view of the water running over her naked breasts, stomach and down over the small line of curls at her center. I sighed in contentment as she moaned and arched her back when I pressed my palms against her breasts and pinched her nipples roughly._

_"Too long," she answered in between short breaths._

_"Do you have any idea how hard I'm going to fuck you right now?" I pinched her nipples harder and was rewarded with the most precious sound in the world. That sweet little whimper that I labeled as my "kitten cry." What was it about that sound that made my cock throb so painfully?_

_"God!" She exhaled and pressed her palm against the tiled wall because her knees were already giving out. I wrapped one of my arms around her waist to give her more balance and reached my other hands to her folds. I was surprised with how wet she already was for me. She leaned her head back against my shoulder when I began to draw circles over her. I even felt pleasure with the way her hair cascaded over my back and the way it clung to me._

_It didn't take long for her to lose her knees and soon the palm that was resting on the tiles began to claw, trying desperately to create any sort of hold to gain balance. I tilted my head and trailed kisses over her neck. I wanted her to cum; I wanted to watch and hear her cum over and over, until she was spent and incoherent, because there wasn't anything more exhilarating than knowing it was me who brought her that sort of bliss._

_"Edward," she whimpered and I groaned an answer against the spot on her neck I had between my teeth. "I need you inside me," I cursed under my breath because I knew how things would work out. We had been fooling around so long that by then, Bella had gained some confidence and every once in a while, she'd get so confident she'd get vocal and, when she did, it turned my entire world upside down._

_I stopped abruptly when I felt her reach between us to bring my hardness to her entrance. I almost lost my mind when she bent forward, making it easier to slide on to me. It was warm and slick and tight and I couldn't comprehend how I hadn't gotten used to this feeling yet. I held her bent little form with an arm still wrapped around her waist, the other still resting on her center. I has started trailing kisses over her wet back when she extended her hands to press her palms to the tile in front of her, spreading her legs a bit to begin to rock herself onto me softly._

_"Fuck!" I cursed when she began to move faster. At that point, she was running the show and I had my eyes tightly closed, concentrating on keeping us both up and not letting myself orgasm too soon. I pressed my forehead against her small back and parted my mouth, trying to catch my breath. The feeling was so overwhelming._

_I knew we were in trouble when my own knees started giving out and I couldn't for the life of me hold us up anymore, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. In a moment of insanity, I turned the water off and disconnected from Bella. It took everything in me to not control myself then, because she whimpered a strangled little 'no' when we separated. She missed our connection just as much as I did; she needed this as much as I did and the thought put my mind at ease some._

_Without a towel, without waiting to finish dripping, without thinking twice about it, I lifted her on to my arms and began to walk toward my room. "Edward, what are you doing?!" She yelled, looking around over my shoulder for what I assumed to be Emmett, but he wasn't here and the apartment was all mine for me to walk around naked as much as I pleased. Down the hall and into my room, I finally was able to lay Bella down onto my bed and take a moment to enjoy the view. Her soaking hair was outstretched, staining with dark spots were it fell onto the pillow**.** She was glistening, glowing with the soft orange light that came from the window. The sun was setting and I was positively sure it would be completely gone and she'd still look just as radiant. I smiled the entire time I ran my palm over the curves. As my hair dripped and the drops fell on her belly and slid to the sides, I leaned down to catch one with my tongue. God, she tasted good everywhere. "You're insane. You know that, right?" Her words brought me back from the trance she'd put me under and I chuckled, moving lower and lower until I was tracing my tongue over her folds._

_"I think you've mentioned it once or twice." I stopped to pretend to go into deep thought, and she groaned in annoyance._

_"You damn tease! Come here!" She spoke, tapping the side of the bed next to her. I smiled the entire time, because I knew what was next and of course it was on my top five list of "The Most Amazing Things in Edward's Universe" list. I lay back onto the bed and, before I knew it, she was straddling me and again had directed me to her entrance, and was sliding down my length. She was making me pay, of course, sliding ever so slowly, eyes fixed onto mine. I lost, because I broke eye contact when my eyes rolled back in my head once I was completely seated inside her._

_"Godammit, Bella." She was absolutely mind-blowing and she knew it; her hands rested on either side of me for support and her hair fell in cascades around me while her waist moved back and forth on me. I moved my hands from her waist up to her hair, holding it back in fists to bring her toward me. Our tongues fought for dominance and again she won when she began to move her hips in circles. I groaned sharply against her mouth and she giggled like a true vixen._

_I was close and I knew she knew because her hips got faster and she was nibbling her way up my neck and onto my ear lobe. My knees started to bend slowly and I was drowning in the feeling all too quickly. I was at the very edge of oblivion, almost at the point of no return, when I felt her sweet little hand move from beside me to where we connected, and realization hit me. Bella wouldn't cum with me and that was unacceptable._

_She made a little whimpering noise when I turned us over. I now had her under me, hands pinned above her head, foreheads resting against one another, bodies still connected. I began a slow rocking motion that helped me pull myself together and regain some of my control. "I just remembered something." I spoke against her neck and her only response was a soft sigh. "I did say something about fucking you hard earlier and I almost didn't keep my promise." I chuckled when she arched her back at my words. There was no need for any more. I knew what she wanted._

_I was pounding against her now, our bodies slamming against each other so hard the noise vibrated over the walls. I knew I was being rough, but I couldn't stop. Every other noise from her mouth was my kitten cry and I was addicted to the sound. "I'm gonna … Oh God, Edward … don't … stop … so … close." There was a thrust between each word and I found myself smiling despite myself._

_Suddenly, she clenched around me and, without my consent, my world came tumbling down, as well. My entire body shook with the intensity of it all and I grunted against her collarbone. I collapsed against her in complete defeat._

_"Wow," she mumbled, waking me from my post-coital bliss. She sounded sleepy and drained, and absolutely content. When I looked up, I was rewarded with a sweet little smile resting on her lips, though her eyes were closed. I rested back and cradled her to my chest, though the bed was still wet. I picked up the dry sheets and placed them over her. She gave a little yawn and snuggled up against my side. How couldn't I have known I had the very world then?_

**Thursday, August 20, 2009**

I was hard. I was painfully hard and there was nothing I could do about it. There was nothing I would do about it. I didn't want to, and I didn't deserve it. To be honest, I was most likely too depressed to ever be able to cum. Then, I remembered that I had cum with Tanya, and suddenly I didn't have a problem anymore.

_______

I stared at the clock. It was mocking me. It seemed to have stopped at twelve o' clock, shining the number brighter than ever before. This was the time I usually called her; right now I'd be picking up the phone and hitting that annoying little green button. I tried to focus on my book again, sighing in frustration when the words became a jumble in front of my eyes. I looked back up; it was 12:02.

"Fuck!" I pounded my fist against my desk, the loud noise vibrating through the walls. This is probably what fighting an addiction probably felt like; trying desperately to keep from taking that next hit. I looked back at my phone and then back at the clock. 12:07. I wondered briefly if she'd even noticed that I didn't call her last week and that I always called her on the same day, same time. I also wondered if this was a bit over the top and if I should consider medication. I was done. This was my breaking point. I couldn't keep doing this to myself. It seemed obvious that Bella had moved on and I needed to as well.

I picked up the phone, staring at it for what seemed like an eternity. I hated it. I hated what it represented. I blamed it for everything that was wrong in my life and thinking it would make everything go away. I swung it as hard as I could against the wall and the scream that came from my throat scratched and burned. The handset shattered and fell into pieces to the floor.

No Phone. No Calls. No Problem.

"What in the bloody hell has gotten into you, Edward Cullen?!" Mike stood at the door, hands gripping at the frame; he looked down at the remainder of my phone and grimaced. "What has the world of electronics done to you now?"

"I'm not going to call her," I declared, but the words sounded like I was trying to convince myself of the matter more than it sounded like a statement.

"Is that what this is about?" Mike was now speaking to me from a kneeling position on the floor. He was picking at the pieces that were now my phone. He had picked up my Sim card from the pile and managed to find my battery that had slipped under the bed.

"She just declines the call anyway! What's the fucking use? I should have taken that as a fucking hint in the first place!" I yelled, my throat still burning with the strain. "Why am I even calling her? There is nothing I can do from all the way over here! Fuck, she fucking hates me, man! I made her hate me! I fucking did this! This is my entire fucking fault and I still can't let her have a life! I'm done! It's fucking done, Mikey! I chose my career over love, because I'm a selfish fucking imbecile!" Through my ranting, I watched Mike take out his own phone and place my Sim card in it. I stared at him, puzzled, suddenly quiet as a mouse.

"She declines your call?" He asked, handing me his phone that now had my Sim card in it.

"Yeah." I was confused beyond action and I stared down at what he was offering me. It was another little piece of machinery that was the reason for all the troubles in the world. I hated it, too.

"She _always_ declines your call, Edward?" His hand still stretched toward me.

"Yes, Michael! She fucking denies my fucking call! Do you want to know the number of rings, too? She gives it three fucking rings! You know how pathetic that is? That I know how many rings she lets me have! God, I really should consider therapy!" I threw my hands in the air in frustration. I was officially a total basket case.

"Edward Cullen, would you listeedn to yourself for just a bloody minute?!" He yelled, fisting his hand into the front of my shirt. Mike was not only gay, but he was small and summer blond and sometimes innocent looking, but just like Jasper, he looked deadly when angry. I stood still to listen to him. "She always declines your calls? She gives you exactly three rings, always?"

I nodded because I didn't have any more in me.

"You bloody fucking twat!" He yelled, letting go of my shirt, hitting my stomach with his phone. I sighed, finally taking it from him, just to stare at it while he continued speaking. "Edward, she waits for that call! She waits for the three rings. I bet you she stares that your fucking name in her caller ID and it takes all the courage in her to _not_ answer that call! She always declines the call because that way she thinks she is winning, but what she doesn't know is that she is really telling you, she is there, that she is listening! I'm gonna give you a right pasting, Cullen. As long as you keep calling, she'll know that you'll always be there!" The words were so powerful I sat back down on my bed, staring at the wall in front of me. The pieces fell ever so slowly together in my head. "She hasn't forgiven you. There is no easy way to forgive what you did. As long as you keep calling, she'll have evidence that there wasn't a time you've stopped thinking about her. That you are willing to spend an entire year apologizing to her." I looked up at him and swallowed hard, realizing I'd stopped breathing during his tirade. There wasn't a coherent thought in my head from the lack of oxygen. "Call her, Edward. Always fucking call her, no matter what." The last words he spoke were a whisper in my head; my eyes went into a tunnel vision. My head was throbbing.

An eternity passed. I sat there and let an eternity pass me by while I thought of calling. I debated the pros and cons. I debated if it was worth fighting or letting things sink. I saw Jasper and Alice. I saw Professor Nomakeo. I saw my father.

I pressed 'send.'

One ring.

Two rings.

The third ring never came, because someone answered the phone. My heart was beating so hard it was almost deafening.

"Hello?" I spoke after a long silence. It was her; it had to be her. Anyone else would have answered by now. Bella, my sweet beautiful, Bella. "Bella..." The confirmation I needed came in a little soft sigh that was more of relief than contentment. "I'm sorry, Bella..." I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry for making you worry. I'm so fucking sorry.

The called ended at fifty-six seconds.

**A/N:**

**Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! PLEASE don't hurt me! (Please keep in mind six months is a very long time and that a lot can happen.) I got a lot of reviews saying the timing is confusing, so I went back and added dates to ALL the chapters. Please let me know in your reviews if this helps anything. I hope so!**

**Next chapter is Bella's POV and the chapter after that one will have another six month skip. The next chapter will be a hard chapter for me to write and I might be taking a bit longer with it. If you'd like to know how the writing is coming along you can PM me, stop by the thread, or add me in Google chat: Lethologica86 (at) gmail (dot) com.**

**Thank you for everyone who read this chapter before it was posted just to give it thumbs up. Thank you to Kyla713 (Dawn Nomakeo) for letting me use her for a VERY important character in this chapter (Mind you that even though you can't tell she was picturing him naked the entire time she was speaking to him.); Stacey (Knittingvamp7) helped me a lot when I was freaking out about making the ending perfect; and last, but certainly not least, thank you to my fic wife Lindsey (AgoVita) for letting me fondle her hardcore when I'm stressing the hell out.**

**Reviews encourage me to work harder *heart***


	8. Loneliness

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you MixxyLion! Thank you Knittingvamp7! Thank you KatieBelle! Thank you HopeStreet!

*scroll to end for important author's notes*

Please don't hate me so much!

________

_One ring._

_Two rings._

_The third ring never came, because someone answered the phone. My heart was beating so hard it was almost deafening. _

"_Hello?" I spoke after a long silence. It was her; it had to be her. Anyone else would have answered by now. Bella, my sweet beautiful, Bella. "Bella..." The confirmation I needed came in a little soft sigh that was more of relief than contentment. "I'm sorry, Bella..." I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry for making you worry. I'm so fucking sorry. _

_The called ended at fifty-six seconds. _

________

**Bella - Thursday, August 20, 2009**

It's official. I am the stupidest girl on the face of the universe, and I should be ashamed of myself! After finally willing the strength to end the call with Edward, I proceeded to pace around the room and mumble to myself like some lunatic.

"_Bella…"_ My name on his lips was sinful and welcoming, and the all too obvious feeling of longing seemed to throb in my chest.

"_I'm sorry, Bella…"_ His words where a meticulous and broken whisper that held on to the air in my lungs with such a tight grip I thought I would collapse.

I could lie and pretend that I didn't feel it again -- that I couldn't vividly remember that pull he had on me. I could always manage becoming busy enough to take him off of my mind for days. It was harder in the beginning, but the more I tried, the more I found I could manage without thinking about him. It all came crashing down on Thursdays -- all my success and will power snapped on that consistent and fucking punctual call each Thursday -- the one I unconsciously waited for at seven sharp -- the one that had me canceling appointments, late night dates and events so I could wait for it like some faithful dog.

It was the only time I heard from him -- the only way I could find out if he was okay, if he was still breathing -- to think how much it infuriated me in the beginning and how much I welcome it now.

I hadn't noticed. I truly had been in such a daze for the entire first six months of his departure and had been so careful so not to think about him that I hadn't noticed my ridiculous attachment to that damn phone call. Last Thursday when the minutes started to pass, then an hour, then another, I thought I was again losing my mind.

It was back to the very beginning. It was losing him all over again. It was torn letters and restless nights and re-opening the damn wound I had managed to seal shut.

The others avoided mentioning him around me at all cost. It took me almost a month, but I had gotten rid of all evidence of his presence in my apartment. He was more than just gone at this point. He was absent from more than just my life. I thought I had successfully managed to erase him, pretend everything that happened between us was just a figment of my imagination, but I was oh so very wrong. That missed call brought with it the understanding that every fiber of my being missed Edward Cullen and that every nerve in my brain hated him for it.

The knock at the door startled me into consciousness, and I found myself trying to hide my phone. I settled for my pocket and went to check through the peep hole. It was Jacob -- my Jacob, my salvation, my boyfriend. I sighed and rested my forehead against the door. If I was with Jacob now and I was happy with him, then how come I still haven't been able to fully succeed in getting Edward out of my system? If I was with Jacob now and I was happy with him, then how come I still haven't let myself sleep with him, even if we have been together for over four months already?

I opened the door for him. The guilt made my stomach turn when I was met with such a wide and happy smile. He deserves so much more than this.

"Hey babe!" He spoke leaning in to give me a soft kiss on the lips and continuing on to the kitchen. It was then I noticed all the bags in his hands. "I know your class for tomorrow was canceled so I thought we could watch movies tonight and eat junk food."

"Sure," I answered, closing the door and resting my body against it. I sighed remembering the many times Edward had pressed me against it in a goodbye kiss that would always leave my knees trembling.

"I brought the classics: 'Halloween,' 'Nightmare on Elm Street' and 'The Exorcist'! We have to watch 'The Exorcist' last, though, 'cause that one is the funniest!" His words were so enthusiastic; they jumbled together as he tried to speak them. He took out some beer, chips and salsa, and I sighed wondering why I haven't told him that I hate horror movies. They were predictable, unrealistic and boring, and I found no real urge to watch any of them. Still, I sucked it up and put a smile on my face for him, because I enjoyed the company, and considering I have another man on my mind, the least he deserves is for me to just try to enjoy this with him.

________

His heavy body rested against mine, and after letting his hair fall from the loose pony tail he always wore, it covered my face like a curtain before I fisted my hands in it, almost too harshly. Our tongues were tangled, and my legs wrapped around his waist, forcing his erection to rub against me. His hands were slowly inching up my shirt, and I arched my back to urge him on. Once his hands moved under my bra to cup my breast, my eyes snapped opened. His touch was soft and caring, and I was too aware that it wasn't Edward who was touching me. it was Jacob, and he didn't know that soft touches never did much for me. I could feel my cheeks burning. I had been thinking about him again, trying to picture his body pressed against mine, and for a second it worked.

I needed a way to make this stop, to find a way that makes the difference so big that I couldn't compare them anymore. I needed Jacob to help me forget. I needed him to make Edward go away. It seemed desperate and cruel, but I needed this. It was the only way. Not only was Edward gone, but I was in a relationship with another man, and I am willing to take things to the next level just to prove this to myself.

"Jacob… did you bring the condoms?" I asked between kisses, letting his hair go so I could hide the blush on my cheeks from him. His kisses abruptly stopped, and he moved to face me, locking his eyes with mine, trying to find something that most likely wasn't there.

"Bella, are you sure?" he asked, searching my eyes and furrowing his brow in concern. I shut my eyes to him and nodded, though every nerve in my body yelled in reluctance. The nervous giggles came when he picked me up and carried me to my bedroom, placing me on it carefully before stepping out.

I dropped my head onto the pillows and sighed, covering my eyes with my palms. I wanted to scream, the frustration and the confusion fogging my brain. This was an act of desperation, but if I wanted this relationship to work it was necessary. I would have wanted things to progress in good time, but with Edward on my mind, things could never progress, I would just be delaying the inevitable. Because I know that I will never find something remotely close to what I had with Edward, but I'd be dammed if I didn't try to at least find the spark he would always ignite within me.

"Bella, there is no way I'm doing this if you're not ready." Jacob's voice broke me out of my thoughts, and I removed my hands from my eyes in a hurry, searching the room for him. He was leaning against the door frame, shirtless, hair back into its usual ponytail. "I'm in no hurry."

I shook my head at him and stretched my arms beckoning to me. "No, I'm just nervous., Don't worry about it." I was lying, and everyone who knew me enough would have known that I was lying. The fact that Jacob couldn't tell made me uneasy.

Things progressed, eventually, with the usual awkward moments and giggles, and soon we were nude. Jacob settled at my entrance. He hesitated and looked into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity, but then I kissed him and bucked my hips. He growled in response, trying to contain himself. I watched him put on the condom. He was large, and I knew it would be painful since it had been so long for me. I found myself again sighing and trying to convince him that everything was fine.

He entered me slowly, but I couldn't reward myself with the satisfaction of being right. It was painful, and though I was expecting it, it didn't make it hurt less. His eyes searched my face for signs, and he stopped on occasion to let my body accommodate him. Though I was ashamed of using him for such a horrible cause, I was thankful that he cared so much about me that he was willing to be patient. Once he was completely seated inside me and he was absolutely still, I could feel how erratic his heart was beating. I arched my back and moved my hips when I was ready to continue.

He set a slow pace at first. Surprisingly enough, my body began to react. I found myself lolling my head back and moaning softly. This encouraged him, creating a faster pace that I enjoyed even more. Things were progressing softly, his face was pressed against my neck, and his hands were digging at my waist, It was going fine. He turned me then, my stomach pressed against the mattress and my face resting against the pillow. He entered me this time in a swift motion, which wasn't uncomfortable then.

I was close, in this odd sort of way, and I knew because I was clenching the pillows and moaning softly. I knew Jacob was close too because he was grunting against my shoulder and our bodies were sweaty and burning hot. I closed my eyes in concentration because even with how close I was, I just couldn't get there. This frustrated me to no end. I reached my hand to rub against myself, the friction from the position and Jacob behind me made me gasp and shiver suddenly. However, Jacob took it the wrong way, and soon he collapsed onto my back after his release.

Later, Jacob was lying on his back, his hand covering his eyes, his chest rising and falling with a soft little snore that was barely noticeable. He had taken a shower and had let his hair down; it was still damped over his shoulders and chest. I sighed and watched him. He was beautiful. There was no doubt about it, but he could never be Edward, and taking things to this level helped to put many things in perspective.

It worried me so much that I would never again be fulfilled, that I would never be happy and that I would have to settle for being almost content. How could Edward be the only person to make me feel that way? So carefree and fulfilled, knowing I didn't have to lie because he knew when I was lying, that I didn't have to hide anything because he would always catch it, that I didn't have to ask for much because he would always know what I needed. How could he have managed to scar me in such a profound way that I will never be the same, that I will always compare him to every other person I will ever be with? He left, and with him he took something I will never be able to replace. What that is I probably will never figure out, because even if I am well aware of what I feel for him, I know I'll never have him back in my life. He is gone now, and I have to move on.

Still, I thought back and compared, compared even though there was no comparison, and remembered how Edward could read me like a book.

**Friday June 1, 2007 (now 2 years and 1 month ago)**

_It had been more than a month since Edward and I had taken things to __the next__ level__,__ and though in the beginning it didn't happen on a regular basis__,__ it was starting to become a common activity. We hadn't told a soul__,__ and even if on occasion I felt the soft sting of guilt, the pleasure Edward brought my body made a lot of lines blur and shift. _

_I never paid much attention to how important a sexual relationship could be__,__ and to be honest__,__ I thought it was all overrated. I knew of relationships that never could work because the sex was never good enough or the very reason __couples stayed__ together was because of the great chemistry in bed. I never understood the dynamic of __this__ connection until now. Edward made my first time intense and beautiful__.__T__he patience and care he showed will forever amaze me. I also felt lucky,__having heard__ all the horror stories of first times. Mine was hardly painful, shared with a person I trusted__,__ who took his time preparing me and making sure I took at least some pleasure out of it. _

_There was one small detail missing__,__ and even without making a big deal out of it__,__ I knew Edward was very well aware__ of it__. I still hadn't__ experienced an__ orgasm __strictly from __penetration. Edward knew this__.__H__e knew because of the way he would sigh when my fingers would reach for my center every time. I was aware that not every woman could reach this __type__ of orgasm. I had read countless of __articles__ on the subject and cracked my brain thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me, but some women were just not wired that way. _

_Once again w__e found ourselves making excuses to our friends on a Friday to meet at my place, attacking each other at the door and removing clothes before reaching the bedroom__,__I__t was almost exciting to have a secret. Our tangled bodies hit the bed, but Edward's mouth never stopped __its__ assault on my neck__,__ and his hands continued sliding down the zipper o__n__ my shorts__,__ trying to remove the item. My hands fisted the sheets of the bed__,__ and my back arched when he moved his hands up to my breast to pinch almost roughly. _

"_God, it was hard to keep my hands off you today__,__" __h__e whispered in a low voice against my collarbone before running his tongue over it. We had been out all day __at__ Emmett's summer little league football game__,__ helping him with the kids and cheering them on__.__I__t was something we had promised Rosalie we would do for him every other week. "Those shorts were designed to torture me!" __h__e continued to mumble__,__ and I giggled when his five o' clock shadow tickled the side of my neck. I knew what he meant__.__ I had spent the entire day watching him as well_ -- t_he way his biceps stood out from under the white t__-__shirt he wore, all sweaty from playing around all day__, and t__he way his muscles would flex when he would pick one of the boys up and ran with them like a football, avoiding Jasper and Emmett and scoring his 'touch down__.__' I should have been ashamed for letting my thoughts run where they did with kids all around us, but there was no way I could stop myself. After __having experienced the joys of having Edward __memorize every inch of my body and kiss every scar and beauty mark, having him show me just exactly what his body could do when pressed against mine,__ it was hard to shut the memory off._

_One of his hands was replaced by his mouth which sucked and tugged on my nipple. He moaned against it, seeming so absorbed with the taste. I wanted him so bad already, but was too afraid to ask, too afraid to urge him on, still my hips bucked when his hand started sliding down my side__.__ I knew exactly where I needed that hand to be. He __shifted his attention to my other nipple__ and finally traced my entrance with his finger._

_"My God, Bella__!__ You're so fucking wet!" __h__e hissed, resting his forehead in the valley between my breasts__,__ and I again found myself bucking my hips when his fingers entered me. They began a steady rhythm__,__ and on occasion he would turn them and hit a very sensitive spot that would cause me to hold my breath and grunt softly. I was getting so close__,__ and I tangled my hands in his hair and let my head fall back, but I could not release before his fingers left me. I looked up at him in wonder and wide eyed knowing there was not a good enough explanation as to why he had stopped. I held back the urge to hurt him when I saw a cocky little smirk resting across his lips._

_"I hate you! That was not..." I was silenced by his mouth that gently sucked on my bottom lip and then parted to run his tongue over my bottom lip__.__T__he intoxicating feeling of it suddenly__ made me__ forget my words. I wrapped my legs around him and deepened the kiss by holding his face closer to m__in__e__.__, __H__is hands__ struggled__ to remove his pants while our lips were locked._

_He was so hard and warm rubbing against my entrance__,__ and__ he__ moaned in between our lips when I began to move my hips against him. I wasn't going to wait any more, so I reached my hand between us and placed him at my entrance__.__ I gasped when we were finally__,__ fully connected. His thrusts were frantic and almost animalistic__. I__n between__ some of his thrusts, he'd__ leave me completely and come back all the way inside me__. This__ action __caused__ my back __to arch __and l__eft__ my knees shaking. I didn't want it to be over yet__.__ I was starving for him in a way that I craved for th__e__ moment to last__ as long as it__ possibly could._

_  
__Then __Edward__ shifted his body slightly to the right__,__ and he angled himself in such a way that I was gasping and scratching at his back in __an __almost frantic need. I lost the air in my lungs__,__ and my eyes were completely rolled to the back of my head. "Is that it__,__ baby?" __h__e whispered in my ear, but I couldn't answer him. I understood his words__,__ but I couldn't form any of my own__.__, __I__t was all too much. He thrust harder__,__ and I whimpered__.__ I had never experienced anything so intense__,__ and I wanted to release so badly, but __his__ angle made it impossible for me to reach my hand to be able to touch myself. He t__h__rust harder__,__ and my legs began to shake again__;__ the room was spinning. My hands slid from his back all the way__ down__ to his ass w__h__ere I squeezed and __attempted__ to push __him __even farther into me. "Is that your spot__,__ baby? You want it right there?" I gasped loudly__,__ trying to bring some air back__ into my lungs,__ and I nodded my answer. "Are you gonna cum __for__ me, Bella?" The question was a soft little whisper on the crook of my neck__,__ and it dizzied me suddenly before my entire being shook._

_The feeling exploded from my belly and spread through my body. I became shattered glass __as if __from a gun shot. I was nothing but colorful__,__ rolling marbles down a flight of stairs. I was the sound wave of an atomic bomb.  
_

_Once I __returned to__ the earth__,__ I noticed Edward was shaking above me__.__I__n my metamorphosis I noticed that he ha__d__ cum with me. After a long silence__ as __ we return__ed__ to normal from the intense high__ of our coupling,__ we finally locked eyes__. A__n intense shiver caused me to whimper and close my eyes tightly. I was rewarded with the most wonderful sound in the world; Edward__'s__ laughter filled the room and tickled my collarbone.  
_

_"What's so funny?" I asked__,__ trying to sound annoyed, but the smile I wore gave me away._

_"You have after shivers!" __h__e explained between laughs, falling to his back and cradling me into his chest. I shivered again__.__I__t felt like small little traces of the most intense feel__ing__ I've ever experienced still lingering under my skin. I understood what he meant then and sighed in contentment._

_"That was..." I trailed off trying to find the right words to explain it._

_"An orgasm, Bella__,__" __Edward__ concluded._

**Thursday, August 20, 2009 (Present Day)**

I sighed and rolled over to my side to face the window. I couldn't blame Jacob for not knowing. The truth is he did not know me well enough to read me the way that Edward could. There was no way he would know if I didn't tell him, but tell him what? Tell him that I thought of another man on occasion? That I missed him as much I tried to deny it to myself?

I placed my palms on my face and sobbed. It had been almost four months since I last remembered crying. I tried to control the cries that ripped through me then, trying not to wake the man that slept by my side. Edward was gone, dammit! He was gone, and with him he took my ability to forgive and, even worse, forget him.

"_I'm sorry, Bella…" _His words still echoed in my head_._

_**A/N**_

_**Thank you to HopeStreet that saved me by doing an amazing job of being a beta for this chapter. My other two beta's were extremely busy which of course I completely understand! **_

_**Again real life is kicking me really hard right now so I apologize for my slow updating, plus this chapter and the next are very hard chapters to write**__**,**__** so they **__**may**__** not be my best chapters. **__**The n**__**ext chapter might not contain a lemon, but it will have a very interesting end**__**ing**__** if things all go according to plan... *giggles* Stay tuned babes and remember to let me know all your thoughts and questions in **__**your**__** reviews or come and chat with me in Google chat: Lethologica86 (at) gmail (dot) com. You can also stop by the thread**__** in the Twilight forum**__** and leave some love.**_

**Also, today's **_**special thanks goes to KatieBelleCullen for making me laugh till I ha**__**d**__** tears in my eyes. **__**Please check out**__** her profile, read all her stuff, but p**__**ay**__** close attention to her story "Midnight Caller**__**.**__**" I am rooting for this story to be continued**__**,**__** and I want her to be all pumped up when she does**__**,S**__**o go review her **__**stories **__**and make sure you tell her Lethologica sent you. P**__**.**__**S. She likes, rough, dirty talking, possessive, darkward probably more than all of us combined.**_

_**  
I love you guys!**_


	9. Return

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you Mandi1! Thank you HopeStreet! Thank you getdrunkonvictory! Thank you Kismit1496!

***scroll to end for important author's notes***

________

_I placed my palms on my face and sobbed. It had been almost four months since I last remembered crying. I tried to control the cries that ripped through me then, trying not to wake the man that slept by my side. Edward was gone, dammit! He was gone, and with him he took my ability to forgive and, even worse, forget him._

"I'm sorry, Bella…"_His words still echoed in my head__._

________

**Edward – Saturday, December 5, 2009 (4 months later)**

**(roughly 11 months since Edward left home)**

I sat in my almost empty room and sighed. I was finally going home. Two more weeks and I will be going home to my family, to my friends and to my demons, to face them with new eyes and new knowledge. I've had enough time to think, to dwell in the consequences of my actions and drown in my regrets. Enough time to piece together a map of all the atrocities I have committed, to carefully assess every wrong turn I have taken. I have had just the right amount of time to carefully take care of this self-made wound that will forever scar me. I hope, perhaps in vain, for their forgiveness. Forgiveness for actions that were more than just sins − forgiveness, if not from all of them, then at least from one specific person that I know now has forever altered me. A person who made me realize that those things which I only saw as unnecessary pleasures were really indispensable in the growth of one's soul, and that no amount of books, degrees or reputation could be able to teach what it really means to fall in love and put someone else's needs before my own.

It shames me to no end that sometimes I can't remember my mother's embrace or my sister's smile or the sound of my father's laughter, things that were trivial and so taken for granted are things that I look forward to the most. Emmett's almost childlike enthusiasm, Rosalie's motherly scowls, Jasper's brotherly advice, Bella's everything. I know now that they are all more than just family; they are bits and pieces of who I am. Here I thought I could build my Rome, rule my Rome and burn my Rome by myself and for myself, and instead I found that all this time I have been living in a house made of sticks and stones.

I was abruptly brought back from my reverie by the slam of the front door. It was loud; loud enough for me to doubt for a second that it was my roommate, Mike Newton. I smiled despite my sad thoughts, knowing that I found a comrade in the most unexpected place. For the very first time, I had let someone see me at my worst, stripped to nothing, without my father's name or reputation, without my family's money, without anyone to fall back on and even worse, with my first broken heart. Mike, a boy who's had enough pain and heartache for who he is, shared my pain, stood by me with words of reassurance and encouragement, asking nothing of me in return.

Suddenly there was a ruckus in the kitchen, a noise that sounded like pots and pans falling around everywhere. I laughed thinking that it was two in the afternoon on a Saturday and there was a possibility Mike had stayed up all night drinking and gotten home with an awful hangover. I stood and headed toward the noise.

He was on his knees on the floor, one hand holding his body up, the other hand hidden under his leather jacket as if holding on to something against his chest. I walked slowly toward him, unsure and confused, but as I got closer, he spit, and there was blood on the floor.

"Mike!" I yelled, finally reaching him and kneeling on the floor to inspect him only to find an even dire situation at hand. He was puffy and bruised, his left eye practically swollen shut, his lip busted opened, the left side of his jaw black and blue. The shirt he wore was stained with the blood that was dripping from his nose and the gash on his lip. "Oh my god, Mike! What happened?! Who fucking did this to you?!"

He didn't answer. I tried to straighten him slowly. The pain it caused him made him hold on to his ribs protectively. After a long struggle, he finally managed to fist his free hand onto my shirt for support. I couldn't imagine the pain he was under. I couldn't even figure out how he could have gotten home in the first place. Had someone dropped him off? I tried to do inventory in my head, making a list of all the things that could be wrong with him, the possibility of broken ribs, concussion, internal bleeding. I paused then, knowing the dangers he could be under if he didn't get himself examined.

"I'm getting you to a doctor," I promised, trying to place the hand that was still fisted on my shirt around my neck as I attempted to pick him up and carry him out.

"No." His demand was strained and barely audible through his clenched teeth. I ignored him. Whatever the reasons were that he didn't want to see a doctor right now could wait. He needed help, more help than I could provide him on my own.

Luck was on Mike's side. As soon as I walked out to the snowy street, someone was getting out of a taxi, and seeing the bloody mess I had hanging from my shoulder, the guy waited till we got in and was on his way without saying a word. Sitting in the smelly leather backseat, I let him fall against my lap and rested my head back exhausted. A year ago, I would have been able to carry Mike without any effort, but after losing so much weight and being too busy to exercise, I had become another scrawny college student who looked like Ramen noodles was their only food source.

Catching my breath, I noticed Mike shivering and hoped we could get to the hospital quickly enough to prevent him from catching a cold on top of his injuries. I tried to understand who would do this to Mike. Whoever did this really had every intention to make sure Mike could not get back up. A careful examination of Newton's knuckles indicated that he had not fought back at all. That bit of information aggravated me the most. Why wouldn't he at least try? Why would Mike think so little of himself that he wouldn't try to struggle against a person who would do something like this to him? It didn't make any fucking sense. This didn't make any fucking sense.

________

**Tuesday, December 8, 2009 (Three Days Later)**

Mike had three broken ribs, a sprained ankle, a sprained wrist, a broken nose and a small fracture on his jaw. They gave him twelve stitches in total and enough pain killers to last him a lifetime, pain killers he would refuse to take, along with food or water. He never told the doctor who his attacker was; in fact, Mike refused to talk all together. It had been three long days of taking care of a man that behaved like a corpse.

I had stayed with Mike Monday, but on Tuesday I had a final exam and had to leave the apartment, plus I had a couple of more boxes to take to the post office to send to the States. When I returned home, I was very surprised to find him sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea. He seemed to be looking much better.

"Hey, how you feeling?" I sat facing him, but his eyes didn't meet mine. He stared down at the table again, silent and distant. It was infuriating. I had enough with Bella pretending that I didn't exist, I wasn't about to tolerate it from anyone else. "Mike, come on, you have to tell me who did this to you. If it was Eric and you just don't wanna take him to the old bill, at least tell _me_ so I can give him a good beating before I go. I won't let someone get away with doing this to you!"

"It wasn't Eric!" he yelled and then held on to his jaw hard after his outburst.

"Then who fucking did it?!" I didn't mind yelling at him, he deserved it. He was being stubborn for the very wrong reasons.

"It was my old dad, awright?" The weight of the words knocked me back into the chair, and my eyes widened in horror. It was his father? How could it have been his dad? Would Mike lie about something like that? Newton just wasn't a liar. I was speechless and confused, and I watched him shake his head in disapproval at my reaction. "What, Yankee? You don't really think everyone is as lucky as you are, do you? Fuck, I'm a fairy, Cullen. My dad could never be proud of a fairy son, no matter how good my grades are or what I'm studying to be."

I still couldn't speak. Nothing could come close to accurately describe how I was feeling, and I was sure there was probably nothing I could say that would make him feel better. My relationship with my father was something many starved for in their lives. He was right; I was very lucky. Suddenly I remembered the many times I had spoken about my family, all the times Mike had sat and listened to stories about trips and talks and memories that I have shared with my father and never once did he mentioned his. Then something else triggered my thoughts, the nonchalance in his tone as he spoke must mean this was something he was used to. That's why he didn't fight back. It had happened before, and he knew there was no use. As if reading my face, he spoke.

"Shit, Cullen, I was sure you'd give me a nice ear-bashing when you heard." He laughed, and it was a dark and bitter laugh. "Bollocks! I forgot how bloody strong the bastard is. He has a mighty strong punch, doesn't he? Got me real good this time." He finished shaking his head before taking a sip of his tea.

"Why would you even go see him if this is the way he treats you, Mike?" My question was out of my mouth before I could stop it, but it made Mike's face distort into something painful, a pain far different from a physical one.

"Bloody hell. It's about time I tell ya what happened then." He leaned back into the chair and looked me straight in the eye for the first time in almost a week. "Eric took all my money. He stole one of my cards, took all the sodding money I'd been saving for years. I was gonna finish with medical school, travel the Netherlands for a while, then settle in some piss poor town and do something with myself, you know?" He paused to sigh and lean his arms on the table, cradling his tea in his hands. "I've got nothing now. I haven't found a job. I guess I got desperate, and I got the brilliant idea I could ask my mum for help, maybe for a month or two. I got there at just the right time. The pluke was late for work. He is never late for work, but that day he just happened to be. I guess I'm lucky that way." His words were quiet with a tone of something sad and sour. He stared at a spot on the table, and after a very short pause, he continued. "Should have seen the look on his face when he saw me. For a second I thought the old fucker had missed me. It happened so fast. Mum didn't even have the chance to stop it. She always tried, you know? She was gobsmacked, had been years since I had last seen her."

I pictured it all in my mind somehow. I pictured the blood on the snow, the kicks while he was down. I pictured his mom yelling and begging his father to stop. I pictured Mike taking it in silence, and if I was home sick before, it was nothing compared to how I felt now. Suddenly Mike was struggling to stand. Slowly he turned to limp back into his bedroom. I didn't follow him. I would also want to hide, avoid all the pity and pretend I wasn't drowning in the shame.

________

**Friday, December 11, 2009 (Three Days Later)**

I ran from the bus as fast as I could. My chest heaved from the thick snowy air, but it didn't matter. I hadn't been this happy in almost an entire year, and the thrill was enough to keep me running toward the apartment. Hopefully Mike was still home packing. I reached my door and struggled with shaky hands to find the key, but finally managed to unlock the door and run inside.

He was sitting on his bedroom floor surrounded by all his books as he tried to fit them all in one box, but I couldn't tell him the news yet. I was out of breath and bent to rest my palms on my knees, trying to put myself together.

"Where's the fire, Cullen?" I smiled, knowing he would argue with me, but I wouldn't let him. I had to do this. It was about time I did something right for a change.

"You're… coming… with… me," I spoke, my breaths long in between each word. Now standing straight with my head lolled back. I almost had my breathing under control.

"I'm not in the mood to get plastered right now," he answered without much interest and continued to fit his books into the box.

"No, you fucking ass-muncher, you're coming with me to America!" I yelled, too loud not to get his attention back. It worked; he stopped to stare at me with an arched brow.

"What are you faffing on about?"

"I spoke to my dad. He'll sponsor you. You can transfer to Dartmouth. My friends are all shagging together now so I'm gonna need a roommate anyway. It will be just like it is now except you might have to change from tea to coffee, but you'll live." I rested my shoulder against the door frame in triumph after my short and very vague explanation of what he _was_ _going_ to do. He didn't answer. He continued on with his packing as if I had never said anything. Just as I suspected, this was going to be harder than I thought, but I had planned accordingly.

"Listen to me," I spoke with an angry tone, pointing straight at him. "I worked my ass off to get you out of this place, and I didn't do it because I feel responsible for what happened or because I fucking pity you. I did it because I'm a selfish asshole who is trying to do the right thing to counteract all the fucked up shit I did this year. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve anything of what's about to happen to you, and if I have the opportunity to help, I will. I have the bloody money, I have the resources, I have the name. My mom and dad always do these sorts of things; that's just how they are. They are always trying to help some medical student. They know how difficult it is. So stop being a stubborn shithead and take the chance I'm giving you. Leave all this shit behind, all these fucking people that don't give a shit about you and start from scratch where no one knows you. With all the courses you've already taken, you'll be on your feet in no time! Trust me when I tell you, you won't regret it. You won't ever fucking regret it!" Because the truth was, leaving was the worst and best thing I had ever done. It took me abandoning everything to grow the fuck up and through all of my regrets, that was something I couldn't be any less than thankful for.

He was staring at me, his face devoid of all emotion at first. But he was angry, infuriated in fact, and I could tell because I had never seen him look this way before. He took one of the books and slammed it in the box, making a loud noise. "I am no one's fucking charity case and least of all yours!" he yelled, his face now red with anger.

"Oh, so what would you rather do then? You would rather stay here? You'd rather go live with your parents, have your dad use you as a personal punching bag, be too hurt to go to school to finish something you've worked so hard for? You'd rather get drunk alone on the weekends? You'd rather go sleep with strangers so you can have an excuse not to come home every once in a while? Mike, you are so much smarter than that. I am giving you a ticket out. I am giving you a chance no one else will ever give you. Don't be too stubborn to take this. You have nothing to lose! You said it yourself, I'm lucky, and I know it. Now I'm giving you the chance to be the lucky one. Please, Mike, don't let this pass you by!"

His eyes were distant again, and they looked back down at the box full of books and sighed. I knew then he couldn't say no. He had no other choice. I had him cornered.

"Where will I stay?" he asked in a whisper, almost shamed for breaking his pride. I smiled in triumph.

"We'll be staying with Alice and her boyfriend Jasper until we can find a place around campus we can rent. They have a spare room and a sofa bed. It will be a little crowded for a bit, but it should be fine." He nodded but didn't look away from the box. "Also, there is something you have to know in advance." He looked up worried, always expecting the worst. "The down side is that you'll probably be my sister's little bitch from now on, and I don't think there's anything you can do about it." He laughed, shaking his head with a smile finally stationed on his face, a smile that reached his eyes, and I exhaled in relief.

________

**Sunday, December 20, 2009 (9 Days Later)**

**HOME**

I was anxious. My heart was about to beat out of my chest, and I was barely holding back the urge to start running down the airport walkways to greet my parents, but Mike was keeping me still. He was nervous, shifting his weight with hands hidden inside his pockets. I felt awful, mostly because no words of encouragement I had come up with had made him feel any better. It had been so long that I hardly remembered what it was like being the overconfident one. I wasn't that person anymore. I couldn't play the part. I had tried telling him all about Mom and even more about Dad, finding characteristics that would prove to him that they wouldn't turn him away last minute, that he was safe here, that this was his new home if he wanted it to be, but nothing seemed to help. Still, he looked down, trying to cover the small fading bruises that still lingered on his face, unsure and reluctant.

"Yeah, they'll be fine until they find out I'm a bloody Nancy Boy," he mumbled under his breath as we walked out of the gate. Realization hit me like a ton of bricks; he thought my parents wouldn't approve of his sexuality. It had become such an insignificant detail in our friendship that I had forgotten how crucial it was for him to know that my parents were informed and fully accepting. I had always assumed that by being so carefree about it, he'd know that it was because of the way I was raised and that I was given those values. It wasn't something I had learned when I moved to Oxford and found myself with a roommate who just happened to be gay. I cursed and turned him to face me, looking him square in the eye before speaking.

"Mike, my parents already know you're gay…" His eyes widened in horror, but before I could reassure him that they had no problem with his sexual orientation, my name was called out. It was a familiar male voice that made me stop in my tracks and turn toward it automatically.

They stood with proud smiles, my dad's arm secured around my mother's waist, a dark blue scarf around his neck, and his favorite worn out dark coat he had received from Mom on their second Christmas together. My mom's eyes shone with unshed tears, fingers tangled in a tiny fist, hair loose, falling on the shoulders of her gray woolen coat. They looked like home. They looked like warmth and love and comfort, and I went to them with an ache in my heart, feeling like the new prodigal son.

"My baby!" Her voice was muffled in the shoulder of my jacket, my arms wrapped around her in a tight embrace that could have hurt her, but I couldn't hold her tight enough. She smelled like mom, like sick days with chicken noodle soup and warm blankets, like chocolate chip pancakes and piano lessons, like homemade ice tea and freshly picked flowers from the garden. I pulled back but held her face immediately and wiped the tears off her cheek. She looked just the same, with some extra white hairs here and there that didn't compromise her beauty but gave her an aura of wisdom. "You're too skinny, Edward. We need to get some food in you!" she spoke again, a bright smile on her face and hands pressed against my own. I laughed because it was such a motherly thing to say, and I knew I had missed it.

It wasn't till I felt the firm pat on my back that I turned to face my father. He stood slightly behind, but the smile he wore on his face couldn't hide his genuine happiness, and it hurt a bit because I knew he wanted to hug me, but he was unsure. For as long as I could remember, I had pushed my father away. Knowing that I would always be my father's son, I boorishly tried to stand on my own, to prove to him and all those who looked up to him that my roots didn't determine who I would be. So many would have given anything to be under his wing, be his shadow, be born from his aches, and his own son rejected all of it in a foolish attempt at creating an identity and individuality.

I released my mother and wrapped my arms around my father. I held him firm. I felt as he hesitated for a second, patting my back softly, but he finally gave in and returned the hug with as much fervor as I was giving. He was more comforting than I could remember. He was the man who taught me how to ride a bike, who taught me to defend and protect my sister, the man who scolded me with firm conviction when I had done any wrong. He was a reassuring smile, a teasing joke, a careful laugh at something slightly inappropriate. He was a secret kept from my mother, not out of shame but out of bonding. My father was a noble soul, an understanding man, a father that loved so much he was willing to take his son's distance and departure silently, no matter how much it hurt him, to let him find his own way back home.

I wanted to beg for forgiveness. I wanted to tell him about the epiphany I experienced when I found out about my roommate's father, tell him I finally saw all his sacrifices and why everyone looked up to him with such devotion. I wanted to tell him all I had learned while I was away, sit and talk over a cup of coffee about the lab I where worked, and watch him smile and nod at how passionately I spoke about all the new research I had been involved with. For the first time, I wanted to make him proud more than I wanted to be successful.

"Honey, where is your friend?" My mother's voice brought me back to the airport, and I turned away from my father to scan the immense place. The thought he might have tried to make a run for it made me panic for a second, but then I remembered Mike had no way to get back home because he hadn't even had enough money to buy his own ticket here in the first place. Though this was awful for him, I was almost thankful.

It took me a while, but I finally managed to spot him in a chair close to our luggage carousel. He had put his hoodie on, his elbows on his knees that were visibly shaking as he continued to fidget. It would have made me laugh if I hadn't known he was scared out of his mind contemplating my parent's approval. When I was standing in front of him, he looked up, his eyes immediately moving to my parents who stood behind me. He was frozen with fear, and it was almost ridiculous. I knew there wouldn't be a way for me to explain it any more than I already had, so instead, I moved to the side and decided to show him.

"Mom, Dad, this is my roommate, Mike." He stood up quickly at the introduction, hands balled into shaky fists, forehead covered in sweat despite the practically freezing temperatures. He looked like he was about to have a panic attack.

My father was the first to move, placing a firm hand over Mike's shoulder, watching as he straightened immediately, eyes wide in panic. "Welcome to the family, son." My father's voice was quiet and reassuring, and as he smiled, Mike's shoulders slumped in surrender.

The night I returned from the hospital with Mike, I had called my father. I needed someone to talk to, someone I knew would understand how atrocious the situation was. I was expecting for my father to be upset. I wasn't, however, expecting my father's fury. Dad knew about Mike's sexual orientation, but he also knew about his excellent grades, the many subjects he had studied in medicine, the way he had helped me adjust. He was even informed of the friendship he had developed with my sister, and because of all that, my father had taken the news of the beating as something personal. It had taken us days to come up with a good enough plan and enough resources to find a way to bring Mike into the country.

"Oh, honey!" My mother's arms wrapped around Mike in a tight embrace, and I smiled when he finally relaxed and hugged her back. My dad turned to me then, walking back to stand beside me. He patted my back and rested his hand on my shoulder.

"You did good, son. You did real good!" I sighed and smiled; I was finally home.

________

Dinner with my parents buried the last remaining doubt that Mike could have about his acceptance with my family. On occasion, I'd feel bad for Mom, so I asked her about renovations with the house and future plans with the gardens and possible projects she might be interested in. Mike and Dad had become completely engaged in medical conversations that Mom understood very little.

After the bill was paid with my father's credit card and we were getting ready to leave, Mike's nonchalance seemed to finally break "I can't…." he paused, looking down at the table, swallowing and sighing. By then he had our full attention, my mother's hand squeezed mine softly. It was difficult watching Mike struggle for words. "I don't have words to properly thank you for what you are all doing for me. I will be in debt to you for the rest of my life. I can't even begin to find a way I can properly repay you for this."

"You don't have anything to repay us for. The only thing we ask of you is that you accept our gift and keep working to your full potential. I have been in medicine since very young. My father was a doctor as well. I have seen struggles, and I have gone through many of my own, so I know how difficult life can be at times. I was very lucky to have my wife, my children and my mentors to help get me through it all, and now it's my turn to give back. One day, when you're successful, you'll give someone a second chance as well, and you won't want anything in return but the satisfaction of helping that person through. Giving can be a very selfish act, son." My father's words couldn't have been more true, but with them was the realization that my father married very young and had children at a young age and never once did he miss a recital, a play or a conference. Even with his busy schedule and insane hours, my dad pulled it through.

Suddenly I was bombarded with questions; suddenly I wanted to know everything and then some; suddenly I knew the story my father told me lacked important details. My father's story would be the last piece of the puzzle. Jasper chose love over his career; Professor Nomakeo chose his career over love, but my father, my father took it all and seemed to have lost nothing along the way.

________

The ride from the restaurant to my sister's apartment seemed never-ending, and my nerves didn't let me settle into the conversation the others were sharing. I stared out the window into the snow and hoped my sister received me with open arms, that she would receive me with as much love as our parents have. I knew of siblings that couldn't be in the same room together for too long because they would go at each other's throats. I knew of siblings that spent years without a word, and it didn't affect their lives in the slightest. I knew of siblings that spent their entire childhood fighting and beating on one another without a flinch of regret. Alice and I were raised differently.

Because our ages are so close together, I cannot remember the day that she came home, but I can vividly remember the day I knew it was my job to take care of her. I was about ten years old, which meant she was about eight, and just like any older sibling, I was annoyed by the fact that my sister followed me everywhere and mimicked everything I did. Of course, I tried to find whatever I could that would physically separate me from my sister and soon discovered that Alice was too small to climb trees.

I spent many days climbing up the trees in the backyard to spite Alice, and I didn't worry a bit when she would start to cry because she found it was impossible to make it to where I was. One day Alice found herself determined, and with tiny hands, she managed to find her will to try and climb the damn tree. I was furious. I yelled for her to get down, knowing very well that if she fell and hurt herself, I would be in a lot of trouble. Alice didn't listen, and soon enough, her tiny hands slipped from the hold she had on a branch and fell. At first I was annoyed, but when Alice didn't move or cry, I started to panic. Trying to convince myself she was just playing a prank, I climbed down to yell at her some more. I turned her so she lay on her back. When I saw the blood on her forehead, I lost it. Being an ignorant ten year old, I was sure I had just killed my sister, and I cried and shook her violently, trying to get her to wake up. The screams alerted my dad, who miraculously had been home that day.

Alice's injury required three stitches and suffered a minor concussion. Although my parents explained to me that she was going to be okay and that it wasn't my fault, I was inconsolable. Funny how one little event can change the life of a child so drastically. Ever since that day Alice changed from being a pest to being someone I looked after. I was no longer climbing trees to get away from her, but I was started patiently teaching her how to climb them without getting hurt. That day changed the entire outlook on what it was to be an older brother.

Turning to Alice's street, I was brought back from my memories and into my doubts. I felt infinitely sentimental, and it was something I wasn't at all used to. I have never been this awkward or this sappy, and though I wasn't enjoying the feelings, I couldn't prevent them from bubbling up in my throat.

She was waiting in the driveway in front of her apartment complex, and she clapped her little hands and jumped up and down when she saw Dad's car. I sighed in relief. Alice had never been mad at me a day in her life, and I shouldn't have doubted the little pixie for a second.

As soon as I was two steps out the door, her tiny arms were locked tight around my neck, and I laughed stumbling back into the car. I couldn't remember the last time I was this happy. My heart broke when I felt her little sobs on my neck.

"Oh, munchkin. Don't cry, please." I held her tighter and lifted her off the ground. "I'm back now, and I ain't going anywhere. I promise." She nodded and held me tighter. She felt so small, so light. I could hold her without even trying. I smiled because even if there were tears in her eyes, I was so happy to be back.

If Mom was piano lessons and Dad was a careful laugh at something slightly inappropriate, Alice was running barefoot in the yard under pouring rain. She was castles made out of bed sheets, cookies sneaked in at bed time and sneaking into rooms after nightmares. Alice was graduation photographs, face plastered with birthday cake and laughing till I got sick.

"I missed you!" she spoke as I placed her back down and watched her wipe her tears.

"I missed you too."

"And you're too skinny! I don't like it!" she added, causing me to laugh and reach out to hug her one more time. I had forgotten for a second how my mother and my sister were so much alike.

"I brought you a gift, though!" I remembered, Alice's eyes opened in surprise, and a smile sneaked onto her face. I turned back to Mike and waited till he stood right next to me so I could announce: "I brought you your own personal gay!" It took about a second for the joke to set in, but soon enough everyone, including Dad, had thrown their heads back in laughter. "He's already potty trained, so you shouldn't have a problem," I added.

Mike didn't miss a beat, and in a heartbeat he was one knee on the driveway and reaching for my sister's hand. "Alice, would you give me the honor and become my fag hag?" His face was a mask of over-exaggerated seriousness, and soon enough I was doubled over laughing. During the entire year in Oxford, I had learned a lot of the English slang and had thought Mike many words as well. "Fag hag" was definitely one of the words I had thought of, and it filled me with an odd sense of pride to have him use it in such a perfect fashion.

Everyone was still laughing when my father spoke, "These two are going to be a handful." He shook his head in disapproval, but his eyes and his smile gave him away.

Dad helped Mike and me bring all our luggage inside the apartment, but left soon afterward because he had promised Mom to take her last-minute Christmas shopping. The first odd feeling of the day quickly launched in my gut once I had enough time to really look around. This was our old apartment, the one Emmett and I had rented together before I left. I didn't think it was important before, but now curiosity was getting the best of me, and I had to ask.

"Alice, why did you and Jasper decide to move into Emmett's old apartment?" I spoke loud enough for her to hear me in the kitchen while I looked over the living room, now decorated with boxes and luggage along with the tree.

"Our old apartment was closer to Rosalie's job, but this one is closer to where Jazz is doing his internship, so we decided to switch. Besides, I love these wood floors more than the ones in the other apartment," she explained, turning back around to finish her conversation with Mike about some gossip or another.

I took a swig of my beer and looked down at the wood floor. It was funny because I couldn't remember the difference between this floor and the floor of the other apartment. I shrugged and continued down the hall. I stood staring at the door that used to be my room and hesitated for as long as I could. It had been close to a year since I had been in that room, and I knew what was coming the moment I opened it. I had experienced so much with Bella in that room. There was no way I was going to be able to relive those moments again, and though they will be painful, they were going to be inevitable. So taking a long intake of breath, I opened the door.

________

**Thursday, July 3, 2008 (now 1 year and 5 months ago)**

_The soft knock on the door let me know immediately who it was because Emmett usually just knocks once and walks in without too much thought. Besides, I knew she was on her way over. I asked her to come in, but didn't move from the spot on my bed. I was surrounded by books and notebooks. I had a huge test the next day, and I didn't feel prepared for it. I had been struggling with this class since the very beginning. Failing would be a disaster I couldn't afford. I didn't look up, but felt her sit in my desk chair. I wasn't trying to be rude; I was just desperate to get as much information in my head as I possibly could before having to sleep. I was even planning to get some coffee and pull an all-nighter at that point._

"_Emmett let me in on his way out," she explained, and I nodded._

_After a long silence and after I had finished reading the paragraph I was on, I spoke, "I'm going to fail this exam." I didn't look up to meet her eyes, but I did close the book I was reading with a loud frustrated bang._

"_You always say that," she answered softly, but I still heard the smile in her voice. When I finally decided to look up, I sighed at the sight of her. She had her hair up in a ponytail, and she wore a loose t-shirt and jeans. I always knew that Bella was beautiful, but there where days I forgot just how much and how lucky I was she would even give me the time of day. After a small perverted moment in which I imagined the many things I could do to her, I noticed a bag on her lap. "I brought something," she explained. I watched her take out a container from her bag and open it. Walking over to me, she showed me a batch of chocolate chunk cookies. They smelled fresh, and my mouth watered, but when I went to pick one, she took a couple of steps back and closed the container._

_I am pretty sure I had a pout on my face with the way she was laughing. "But I did my homework!" I yelled, hoping to make her laugh a bit more, and I smiled when it worked. Then she turned and walked out of my room._

"_Why do you have both chocolate and vanilla ice cream?" she asked as I walked into the kitchen. She had both containers in her hands and had a confused look in her eyes that made me laugh._

"_Haven't you ever taken vanilla and chocolate and then swirled them? It's good!" I explained trying to sneak my hand into the container with the cookies._

"_No! I have an idea; you're going to like it!" she yelled and took the cookie I had in my hand. Bella Swan was the biggest tease in the face of the planet, I thought. I watched in awe as she placed the cookie on a plate and took a scoop of each flavored ice cream and placed it on the cookie, then took another cookie and placed it on top of the ice cream, making a little cookie sandwich. I felt like a five year old being given a treat; it looked delicious._

_I made a mess, of course, when I took a bite out of the little cookie sandwich. Some of the ice cream fell to the sides of my mouth and covered my cheeks, but it was so worth it. It tasted like what I would imagine comfort to taste like, and I moaned while I devoured the cookie sandwich. When I was done, Bella had just taken a bite out of her own little sandwich. She struggled with the same issue I had, and once she was done with her first bite, her face was covered in ice cream._

_She almost dropped her plate when I leaned over and took her mouth to mine. The taste was ice cream, cookies and Bella, and the combination was enough to make me lightheaded. She opened her mouth, and when her cold tongue hit mine, I lost it. Placing the plate back on counter, I devoured her mouth, holding her head securely with my hands. It had been almost a year and a half since our first kiss, and I still wasn't tired of them. I could kiss her for hours. I could kiss her until both our knees buckled, and I wouldn't mind._

_That little noise she makes was enough to take things to another level. There was something about that noise that triggered me, like her body told me when she was ready for me or when she wanted more and because of it, I picked her up, tangled her legs around my waist and walked back to my room. The moment her body touched the bed and we had successfully pushed all the notebooks and books onto the floor, my hands reached to undo her pants and take them off. But my mouth couldn't leave hers, her fingers had curled in my hair, and when she pulled, I moaned softly. After I removed her pants, I ran my hands over her stomach, her ribs and reached under her bra to her breasts, holding them softly and then pinching her nipples hard the way she liked it. My hardness throbbed when she released another little cry._

"_God, do you know what that little noise does to me, Bella? I'm so fucking hard it hurts," I spoke against her collarbone with her breasts still in my hand and moving so I could press myself against her center. She moaned and arched her back, and when I looked down at her skin, she was covered in goose bumps. Bella liked when I talked dirty. It wasn't something she told me; it was something I knew because of the way her body reacted to it. "You like that, Bella? You like knowing you make my cock throb?" I teased more and smiled when she moaned and wiggled herself against me. I removed her shirt and struggled with her bra in desperation to taste her, but in no time I was savoring her breasts, moaning at the sweet taste of her._

"_Edward!" I did not notice the time I had spent savoring, sucking and pinching her breasts until her frustrated cry. Then I saw her all flushed, her hands were fisted in the sheets, and when I placed a kiss in between her ribcage, she shivered. _

"_You know what I'm going to do to you?" I continued, enjoying that just at the sound of my voice, she was arched and wiggling. "I'm going to bury myself so deep inside you, we won't know when you start and I begin," I explained, lifting the t-shirt I wore over my head and reaching to undo my pants. "I'm going to fuck you slow, Bella. I know you like it when I'm rough, but I'm going to fuck you slow this time, and I'm going to enjoy every inch of you."_

"_Fuck!" she cursed, and my pants and boxers were only halfway down my thighs when she pulled me back against her to suck on my mouth. Her kiss was desperate and aggressive, and I let her take over because I enjoyed when she kissed me with such abandon and need._

_Removing her panties and finally rested my arousal against her entrance, I moved and collapsed onto her shoulder. She was so warm and slick. My first instinct was to thrust inside her in a quick movement, and my body shivered with the effort to try to hold back. "For fucks sakes, Bella you're so wet!" I panted and moaned. "Are you that wet for me?" I asked, nibbling against her shoulder, and to my surprised, she nodded firmly. "Tell me, Bella. Tell me you're this wet for me," I begged, and my voice was weak and scratchy. Her response made me smile. It was whinny, and she wiggled more._

"_Tell me, Bella!" I demanded and pulled my hips out so that only less than an inch of me was inside her. When she clenched suddenly, I thought my body would cum without my consent._

"_Yes," she whispered, but I wasn't pleased. I needed to hear more._

"_Yes what, Bella?" I pushed in a little further, twitching inside her, which encouraged her words._

"_God! Yes, Edward! Yes, I am this wet for you!" she yelled between clenched teeth, her head falling back onto the mattress._

_I lost my composure and quickly sank inside her in one quick easy movement. My body fell flush against her, her legs automatically wrapped around my waist as mine wrapped around her torso. We were a tangled mess, but, despite my violent entrance, I set an almost excruciatingly slow pace._

"_You feel so good," I spoke between thrusts, and I groaned as she clenched at my words "You're so tight and warm, Bella. I'm gonna have you cum so hard for me." She enjoyed my words, and I enjoyed her reaction to them, but it was becoming harder to keep coherent sentences flowing, overwhelmed by how good she felt around me. I tried to concentrate, bringing myself almost all the way out and back into her again, relishing in how she shivered or grunted when I would hit the right spot, but when my little kitten's cries echoed in the room, I knew the game was over._

"_Is that it, baby?" I angled my hips and gave a hard thrust that released another cry. "Fuck! Yeah that's it!" I thrusted one more time, and her hips bucked off the bed toward me. "Yes! I know baby, I know." I was just as close as she was, and though I wanted nothing more than to quicken my pace and hurry up with our release, I wanted her to cum like this − nice and slow._

"_Edward," she whimpered, and I groaned, laying my body fully against hers. _Although the air conditioning was full blast on this hot summer day, the friction of our writhing bodies made us slippery with sweat._ "I need more… harder," she was begging, and I was so close my entire body twitched with every push._

"_No, Bella. You don't need any more, and you don't need it harder; you're going to come for me like this." I untangled her legs from my waist and brought her knees over my shoulders. Putting my hands on her hips, I pushed her pelvis down toward me so that her clit would rub against me. "That's it. That's really what you needed, wasn't it? Fuck, you're so tight like this!" She was breathless. Her entire body was arched, and she pushed toward me with every move of my hips. "That's it, cum for me."_

"_I'm gonna…" She wasn't going to; she was in fact cumming. With the last move of my hips, her body went into overdrive, and if she was tight before, she was a vice grip against me now. My orgasm pushed me forward. My head fell on her shoulder, and the moan coming from my throat was more like a raspy grunt. It seemed to go on forever, both our bodies shivering and twitching, hips thrusting to their own accord. It was almost sinful._

_It took a while for me to manage to fall on my back and to bring her against me. We were both still panting, still shining with sweat, still shivering. I wondered when sex with Bella would get boring. I had heard so many stories that the sex drive/sexual attraction wanes after being with the same person so often, but with Bella it was different. I knew her so very well, knew what she really needed even when she asked for something she wanted. I had learned many ways to get her off, and I just wanted to keep doing it over and over till she was heaving. It was confusing and intriguing, and I refused to think of the time it possibly had to end._

________

**Thursday, July 3, 2008, 20 minutes later**

**(now 1 year and 5 months ago)**

"_I'm such a pig," she announced, lying back against the pillows, still naked, using the cookies as spoons to pick up ice cream from the containers. Every once in a while, she'd bring one to my mouth._

"_We both are, actually…" I had accepted a piece of cookie from Bella's hand and was chewing as I read a bit more of one of the chapters I had to memorize. I heard a moan and turned to watch her. She was enjoying another piece of her cookie, her head was laid back, neck exposed, breast still decorated with afterglow of the pleasure we had shared earlier. I couldn't hold back from reaching over and placing a kiss above her breast._

"_Now you're just being a tease." I let go of my book and snaked my arms around her waist to rest her against me. She came to me without struggle, relaxing her head on the crook of my neck. I sighed, being completely distracted by Bella's presence. My upcoming exam and the need to study for it was burning a fuse at the back of my head.. I needed to maintain a perfect GPA if I ever wanted to make it to Oxford._

"_You know…" she spoke, interrupting my musing, "I don't even know why you worry anymore." I stopped running my fingers through her hair when she looked up to meet my eyes. "You are always so worried about these exams, but you always do so well. You have to face it, Cullen, you were just meant to be a successful doctor." I smiled along with her, but before I could say anything, she continued, "Edward, I know you want that line between your success and your father's, but you're still his son." I moved back a bit, my brows furrowed out of confusion. I wasn't really upset with her topic, but I couldn't understand where she was going with it. She sat and turned her body so that she faced me. Though she was completely nude, I stared into her eyes; there was an intense admiration in them I hadn't seen before._

"_You gotta see it this way," she continued, "You both wanted a career that mattered, a career that saved lives, a career that made a difference. You knew it wasn't going to be easy, and he knew it wasn't going to be easy, but you both still went for it, regardless. I also think the reason your dad is so tolerant with your stubborn independence is because he understands that in order to learn, you have to do it on your own. You've gotta make it on your own. Still, Edward, there will be times you're going to need help; there are subjects that will be tough." She was struggling now, seeming to be uncomfortable with her last words, which in turn made me anxious._

"_Spit it out, Isabella," I encouraged._

"_I think that if you're struggling with this class, which you keep telling me that you are, you should ask for a little guidance is all." I was about to argue with her when she brought her palm up to stop me. "I'm not telling you to ask him to talk to the teacher. You know what happened with Professor Moore and me. I am saying that maybe your dad will have some inside knowledge or inside information about this subject, you know? Maybe he knows of a book or has some sort of advice. These are regular classes he had to take before his coursework in his specialization. Edward, don't be so fucking stubborn. You can't do everything on your own, you know?" I sighed in defeat and lay back down onto the pillows. She was right, and I hated it._

"_You're not supposed to be smarter than me, Bella Swan." It was the only defense I had, and I smiled when I heard her laugh and lay back down against my shoulder._

"_That's too bad for you, Edward Cullen. You just need to be thankful our degrees are different; I could have been your competition."_

________

**Sunday, December 20, 2009**

**(Present)**

I lay back on the bed and stretched my hands out as long as I could, then sighed. I did ace that exam, and I did ask my father for some advice on the subject. I wasn't at all surprised when he shared with me several of his old books, complete with my father's messy notes and highlights on relevant quotes. My father had been more than thrilled I had reached out to him for help, and it was almost comical the way he explained how each book had helped him. It was all extraordinarily humorous to remember, how moments that in passing are nothing but an everyday conclusion becoming some sort of awakening later. How could I have not thought that maybe Bella would have been supportive? I was so naïve.

I rubbed my face and sighed one more time. This was going to be frustrating. In fact, it was going to be agonizing more than it was going to be frustrating. Back in Oxford I had no worries about accidentally running into her, and I sure didn't have to wonder how close she could be to where I was, but being here was different. We had so many friends in common, not to mention my sister was her best friend, we were bound to see each other somehow. Dartmouth was immense, but the world around us was small, and soon enough I would see her. I sat abruptly in the bed when I came to the realization that there was a great possibility that I would see Bella very soon.

How different was she now that such a long time had passed? She was obviously still mad at me, but would she give me a chance to explain now that I was here? Would she avoid the group all together? I would have to find places for me and Mike to go if that was going to happen. I was already the cause of so many problems, but I could not be the reason for the ending of her friendships with everyone. Had she met someone? Oh god, what if Bella was dating someone? I could still remember that guy I had seen her with. The way she smiled at him was too accommodating for my liking, and there had to be a reason for that. If that was the issue, if Bella now had someone in her life, then there was not much I could do. As much as I had missed her and as much as I yearned to have her back in my life, if she was happy with someone else, then what could I do? Bella Swan was no longer mine.

At the sound of the front door, I brought myself out of the bed and into the kitchen where I found Mike still talking it up with my sister.

"That's probably Emmett," Alice yelled over Mike's shoulder. "I told them what time you were coming in, and they said they would stop by. Jasper is on his way too." I nodded and continued down the hall to the front door where there was another soft knock.

There are moments in life that you could never be prepared for, no matter how convinced you find yourself, how hard you've worked for them, how encouraged you've become. There are moments that knock you so hard it's almost impossible to get back up from them. This was one of those moments, because the person behind the door was not Emmett or Rosalie. It was a short little figure with long wavy brown hair who had been the sole ruler of my very existence for close to three years now.

"Bella…"

* * *

**PLEASE READ THIS IS IMPORTANT**

**I know to some of you I don't seem to update fast enough, but I cannot repeat myself enough by saying: I have a life outside of fan fiction that sometimes gets in the way of my writing time. I have been dealing with a lot in my personal life and have been struggling a lot. I'm even considering doing some commissions. I write out of pleasure, entertainment, love, passion and all the good fulfilling things that come with writing, but when I get messages like "jez update already" or "why do you have a story if you're not going to update" it really discourages me.**

**I have a couple of things I'm working on, a couple of stories I'd really like to see come to life, so I'm hoping I can make that happen. So put me on watch for more things coming your way. I should start with smaller chapters for quicker updates for sure.**

**Even if most of you don't even read till the very end, I still want to give my thanks to a couple of people for being there for me in more way that just holding my hands through this chapter. Mandi1 I love you! I don't know what I would do if I didn't have your friendship around while all these things are happening. Thank you so much and please go read her stories "You've Kept Me Waiting" and "Broken" They are amazing. ****Kismit1496 for making me laugh and being so supportive, Getdrunkonvictory for constantly encouraging me, ****Knittingvamp7 for always understanding, sarawollin for being patient and last but definitely not least my beta HopeStreet who understands that ****Vishous**** is my man and she can't have him and for being more than just my beta and being an awesome friend.**

**Wow… my A/N are always so long. Remember to add me on twitter (link in profile) to know when I'm writing and make sure to stop by the thread, there is this really cool new banner made by RoseArcadia that rocks my socks off (page 27) you can also find it in her blog which I'll be posting a URL to on my profile. She was so sweet and blogged about me and my story. Thanks girl!**


	10. Acceptance

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you Mandi1! Thank you HopeStreet! Thank you getdrunkonvictory! Thank you Kismit1496!

***scroll to end for important author's notes***

_There are moments in life that you could never be prepared for, no matter how convinced you find yourself, how hard you've worked for them, how encouraged you've become. There are moments that knock you so hard it's almost impossible to get back up from them. This was one of those moments, because the person behind the door was not Emmet or Rosalie, it was a short little figure with long wavy brown hair that had been the sole rule of my very existence for close to three years now._

"_Bella…"_

**Sunday, December 20, 2009**

At first, I thought I had accidentally knocked on the wrong apartment. The thin tall figure that appeared before me was no one I knew, but looking up and meeting his bright green eyes there was no mistake about it.

I would be lying if I hadn't thought about the moment I'd laid eyes on him again. In most fantasies, there was either a right hook or a kick to the groin. Though through the angry visions, a few others slipped through the cracks, and in them he swept me into his arms and kissed me like none of this had ever happened. In them I would let him kiss me freely. In them I would smile and giggle when he buried his face into my neck to drown in the scent that he once claimed he adored so much. In some of them, I had forgiven him, surpass all the anger and the resentment, and accepted him as a friend. The fantasies were always so far from the reality, it's almost shameful I spent so long developing them.

This was not even the shadow of the Edward Cullen I once knew. In his eyes, there was a sort of foggy shadow of this unusual emptiness I had never seen before, but one I recognized all too well nonetheless. I wanted to be angry, but instead all I felt was void and sort of numb.

"Bella, what are you doing here?" Alice's frantic voice broke the trance Edward's broken eyes had put me under and though I wanted to answer her, I couldn't even remember why I had come in the first place. The silence lingered on, and when I noticed more movement, I looked behind Alice to find a thin, shaggy looking guy with bright, playful eyes holding a smile like those who hold tender secrets, and surprisingly enough, I found myself smiling back at him. I knew all about secrets, I had plenty of those myself.

"Hey," Edward's voice greeted me, the once familiar sound was now distant and gutless, cracked and over used, and I could feel my face distorting into confusion when I looked back up at him.

Suddenly I remembered why I had come to visit and quickly turned back to Alice, fidgeting with my fingers, now uncomfortable and slightly unwelcomed, with three sets of eyes that rested upon me. "I came to pick up the dress." My own voice sounded strange in my ears. It was faded and unsure, a lot like Edward's.

"Oh, it's still in the closet. I thought you were coming to get it tomorrow so I haven't had a chance to iron it." Alice spoke as though there wasn't an elephant in the room, and it comforted me some. Pretending nothing was going on had become my forte; I could make it work.

"Alice, you are going through too much trouble as it is!" I spoke as I followed her to the master bedroom, walking past Edward and continuing forward past the blond guy standing in the living room. My steps were quick, and once I reached the room, I slammed the door a little bit harder than I had intended.

"Bella, I'm so sorry," Alice whispered to me as I sat on the edge of her bed. The room was spinning; I had too much to think about; I needed to be out as quickly as possible. So, I lifted my head, took in a sharp breath and put my brave face on.

"Don't worry about it. Were you able to fix the hem? Was it too much trouble?" By the end of my last question, I was standing in front of the bright blue dress and running my fingers over it. It was probably the flashiest thing I owned, considering it was my old prom dress, and after Alice had stumbled upon it on my closet, she had decided it would be recycled and made into the perfect New Year's dress. I had come to get it today because I was leaving to visit my father for Christmas, and Alice had wanted me to try it on one last time before I left, though she was absolutely sure it would be perfect.

The silence that followed alerted me that Alice was not going to let this just go, and that after all that had happened, she needed the reassurance. I turned to her and smiled a smile that probably tilted more into a grimace, and after a very careful inspection from Alice, it managed to pass the test.

True to her word, the dress was perfect, now short, strapless, and though fitted at the top, long enough to be comforting, but still made me feel sexy. Despite the sudden surprise of the day, I found myself slightly cheery after trying it on.

Before reopening the door though, I was again shaky and troubled, and I held on to the doorknob so tightly I thought it would break off in my hand. Outside that door was Edward and even with fully understanding and accepting that there was a possibility he would be back in my life, I still couldn't just face him head on. Even with all the time that had passed, there was still that aching feeling in my gut when I saw him, and the anger and resentment I nurtured had turned that ache into a nauseating, dizzying feeling that overwhelmed me.

I swung the door open, determined and proud, and walked down the hallway. Edward and golden boy sat at the table, beers in hand, speaking casually. Despite the fact I wanted to run for my life, I paused by the door. "Bye"

"Bella!" The slight accent given to my name stopped me in my tracks, and I turned to find golden boy with another mischievous smile on his face. "I'm Mike. I was Edward's flatmate over in Oxford. I've heard a lot about you. It's a pleasure to finally meet you!"

It was odd, how a smart arrangement of simple words could have such profound meanings. In Mike's few words, I had more information than I could handle. "I was Edward's flatmate in Oxford," meaning: _I was with him all that time he was away from you_. "I've heard a lot about you_,"_ meaning: _While Edward was away, he had you on his mind and on occasion spoke to me about you_. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you," meaning: _It's great to finally put a face to the name_. Accidentally, I glanced over at Edward, surprised to find him staring daggers at Mike, and then back to Alice, not at all surprised to find a wide giggling smile.

I had no choice, either beat them or join them. I walked toward his extended hand and offered mine. "It's nice to meet you too, Mike," meaning: _There is nothing you can say that is going to make me change my mind_. I turned again for the door, reaching it as fast as I could.

"I hope to see you again soon," Mike's words echoed before the door closed. They meant he doubted that very much.

Almost three hours had passed since leaving Alice and Jasper's apartment and out of those three hours, I had spent at least one sitting in front of my luggage staring down at all my folded clothes in a quiet almost dizzying daze. It's funny how almost ten months had passed since I had seen Edward, but most of the clothes packed neatly away could be connected to him. The vintage shirt he always called me a hippie for wearing. The jeans I ripped on the knee when we wrestled for the last chicken wing. The summer dress he always called my pajama because I often would fall asleep still wearing it.

I hated every item of clothing, every color of every garment, the smell of every perfume I owned that I never used, every room in the apartment, every single tile, every DVD case, my tv, and my radio, because they all reminded me of Edward. They all had been in his presence, and they all probably missed him the way I refused to acknowledge I did.

I cried then. I cried because I could. I cried because inside these four walls I could be frustrated, I could be scared, I could be worried, I could be livid. I cried because of all the other times I had cried about the same damn thing. I cried because it wasn't fair that I couldn't let go. I cried because there was hurt in his eyes and this sick sadistic part of me was content with that. I cried because Jacob loved me and it wasn't fair that on days when Edward was on my mind I wasn't sure if I loved him just as much. I cried because I had to close my eyes every time I kissed my boyfriend, and it was not Jacob who I would see behind my eyelids. I cried for all the times I've cried about the same thing before and all the times I promised myself I'd never cry again. I cried because I wanted my heart and my body to understand what was right for me and what I truly desired. I even cried because I didn't have enough space in my luggage for all my things and that was also probably Edward's fault.

**Sunday, December 25, 2009**

Charlie had never really been good at the whole exchanging present thing. Christmas presents from Charlie consisted of a card and some cash, even before mom's death to cancer years ago. Sometimes I would get lucky and get something simple to decorate my room or something old that my mother or grandmother owned and he randomly found. I was more than surprised to be given a beautiful handmade purple leather journal with a butterfly carefully drawn on the cover, leather strip page finder included with small silver butterflies dangling from the end. It was gorgeous and unexpected.

"Dad, this is beautiful!" I yelled while opening the journal carefully.

"Yeah, I thought so too. I saw it in a little art fair I patrolled a week or two ago. I thought you'd like it. I know how you like to write and all…" Despite the surprise, my father stayed true to his character and remained awkward to the sudden bonding moment, and it only reminded me why I loved coming to stay with him and how I should do it more often. I knew my father loved me, not because he told me often or because he drowned me in extravagant presents, he just had a quiet and distant way of telling me. Like never missing birthday pancakes, like checking in on me in the middle of the night to make sure I was safely in bed, like giving me tiny memories of good times he had with mom or remembering me at art fairs with handmade leather journals in my favorite color.

"I love it, Dad. Thanks."

My present to my father didn't consist of a trip to the fishing store closest to campus to find him the funniest looking fishing lures so that he could give them all names, it was the dinner I cooked for us and spending the afternoon watching re-runs of games and CNN while I rested my head on his shoulder. My Christmas present to my father was giving him an excuse not to work on Christmas day.

"I'm worried about you," he spoke suddenly, waking me from day dreaming of the different contingency plans to avoid running into Edward again − one which involved making a quick stop at Red Lobster so I could claim being sick to my stomach and having to miss the New Year's party Alice had been planning since March.

"What do you mean?" I sat up straight to get a good read off his almost unreadable face. He never could fool me.

"You seem sad this Christmas, kiddo. You okay with school? You know I can help you out with money if that's what…"

"No, Dad. I have my scholarship, and I have that part-time job at the library in school. I'm doing real good. I've been worried about you though. Aren't you lonely? I should visit more often…" I didn't fool him either. I had become so accustomed to pretending everything was fine that I kept forgetting my best friend and my father knew me better than that. The disapproving face he gave me didn't let me continue the lie much further. "I'm good, really… I just have a lot on my mind. It has nothing to do with school I just…"

"You're having boy troubles…"

"Dad!"

"I just have a funny feeling…"

I don't know what kept me quiet. I don't know if it was the shock of my father even acknowledging that I might be in a relationship or the shame of being so easily read and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Still, I stared at Charlie like a deer stuck in the headlights, trying desperately to come up with a reason why his words were utterly ridiculous. I took too long, and my silence must have answered his question.

"Whatever it is Bells, you better find a boy who knows he's the luckiest son of a gun alive, and he better treat you like a princess or else…"

Despite the threat, I had to giggle. Wasn't that the answer to all my problems? It was about me − all about me. I needed someone that did not raise a single doubt about his affection toward me. Someone that I knew loved me. Someone I knew would take care of me. Someone I knew would never abandon me. That someone was Jacob, who has always proven himself to be that person to me.

"He knows I own guns right?" Charlie added.

**Thursday, December 31, 2009**

The knock on the door startled me and brought even more butterflies to my stomach. Jacob had come to pick me up, which meant it was time to face the music. It was time to face Edward again, face him with the new relationship I began while he was away. Suddenly I wondered if they'd remember each other, if that one encounter that happened between them before Edward left would spike their memory somehow. I wondered if Jacob would notice there was some history between us and would start asking questions I had no particular answers for. It would have been easier to miss the party all together, but that was something Alice wouldn't have let me get away with.

It was out of habit I checked myself in the mirror one last time before going to answer the door. I still couldn't figure out how I had managed to pull it all off. The waves in my hair, the shimmery blue eye shadow, the mascara, and most importantly the heels. Perhaps I was purposely trying to look like someone else, hoping I could pass unnoticed or be another person all together. Wasn't that what I was doing for Jacob already? Would Edward know me enough to know I have turned into a proficient liar? Does it even matter? I know now that if I could not get what I wanted, that I had to accept what I needed and learn to want what I really deserved. This isn't settling; this is self-preservation.

"Bella!" Jacob stared at me with playful eyes that did not fail to make me smile. I hadn't seen him since the day I left to visit my father, and I had arrived so late the night before. We decided to meet before the party. Despite being happy to see him, I knew what those eyes were for, and I could not let that happen.

"Down boy," I spoke against the provocative kiss he placed against my lips. It had been almost a week since I had last seen Jacob, which meant it has been almost two weeks since we'd last been together. Logically, it was on his mind.

"Oh come on, baby!" I giggled when he wrapped his arms around me and groaned as he nibbled on my neck. Still, he didn't complain when I wiggled myself out of his grasp.

"Listen, it took me a long time to pull this look off. You are not going to mess it up for me!" I pointed at his chest, trying desperately not to laugh at the stupid rejected look on his face.

"Come on, Bella! It's been a while since we've been had some time together." Jacob exclaimed, pouting in his ridiculous, charming way. "You know how long it's been since I last saw you, and here you are looking so hot and I can't touch you! You're a cruel, sadistic woman!" He rambled on behind me as I headed toward my room to get my purse. "You even have heels on! Listen, if you have sexy lingerie under that dress, there is no way we're leaving this apartment until you give me some birthday loving!"

I laughed while organizing the things I had placed on my dresser. "Actually, I'm not wearing any." I was lying, and he knew I was. The sudden silence made me turn around.

"I hate you," he announced, sitting back down at the edge of the bed. "My balls are as blue as your dress. Thank you very much!" He finished his fit by falling back onto my bed, his long dark hair spreading out on my comforter. I could tell it was going to be a long and tedious night.

"Hey! It's about time! I was wondering when you guys were going to show up. Did you bring the ice?" Alice was, of course, on door duty. She always made sure all her guests were properly greeted. There was a large crowd, larger than what I was expecting, which calmed me a bit. Perhaps if there were enough people, I could fall through the cracks, stay unnoticed throughout the night.

"Babe?" Jacob called. Apparently, I was hesitating, and he had been pulling at my hand softly to lead me inside. Once I took that step through the threshold, there was no going back.

The music did nothing to silence my erratic heartbeat. The sort of musty smell of all the guests did nothing to numb my growing hysteria, and the beer I was nursing could not drown my nerves. It wasn't until Jacob went to get Seth that I had some time to search the crowd. As always, Rosalie was playing bartender, and Emmett was the almighty leader of beer pong. Jasper, probably by Alice's order, was organizing food and drinks in the kitchen, dividing all the ice we had brought in. To Emmett's side stood the blond English guy who had challenged me before, Mike, but there was no sign of Edward. The thought he might not even come calmed me. The fact Alice would let him get away with it, infuriated me, but she could have done it for my own good.

"Bella!" Jacob's loud voice startled me. "Which one is the guest room?" I sighed and walked toward the hallway, Jacob behind me. Of course, pervert that he is, he took the opportunity and grabbed me, pressing me against him while we walked, the trails of kisses going up my shoulders and into my neck tickled. Before I could turn the doorknob, he had reached my cheeks and was slowly turning my face toward him for a kiss. I refused to be detained though and walked though the opened door in a hurry, breaking the kiss with a laugh. Jacob was having none if it and lunged at me, trapping me in his strong arms and kissing me − a noisy, childish kiss that made laugh. I pushed some, but his big arms engulfed me. He shook his head because his mouth was too engaged to tell me that I wasn't going anywhere. I laughed some more. Jacob could be such a kid sometimes, so loose and easy to get along with. It was no wonder why I felt connected to him regardless of the other feelings wrestling within me.

It was a while before I looked over toward the bed in the room. Sitting with ankles crossed and laptop on his lap was Edward. His eyes had been focused on Jacob, but he must have felt me looking because then his eyes shifted to mine. I felt a burning that started in the back of my neck and latched itself onto my spinal cord. It ran down to my feet, and crawled back up from my toes, and found its way on to my stomach, where it grew until I felt achy and sick. The burning expanded so fast, I felt dizzy and slightly disoriented. I felt like apologizing, then I felt angry at the thought of wanting to apologize, then I felt stupid, and finally I settled with feeling defeated and uncomfortable.

Jacob spoke after having noticed I had stopped struggling and then he took note that there was another person in the room. "Oh, hey there. Jasper asked me to get another box of beer from this room. Do you know about it?" He hadn't released me from his grip, but he wasn't holding too tightly, which meant Jacob didn't recognize Edward. That was somewhat of a relief. I had shifted my eyes to the ground, but my curiosity got the best of me, and I looked up to find Edward looking back down at his laptop and pointing to the side of the bed where various boxes were lined up.

"Damn, Alice sure knows how to throw a party! There's enough beer here to stock Ben's bar and still have enough to throw a pong tournament!"

"Don't you dare give Emmett that idea!" A strong feminine voice invaded the room; it was Rosalie. "Hurry it up there will ya! The ice is just sitting there gathering dust!" I smiled at her prissy tone of voice. It wasn't that Rosalie didn't like Jacob, but they had taken a class together and had developed their own sarcastic and cynical language that was more than fun to watch.

"Listen, Princess, don't get your tutu in a knot. Let men do what men do best."

"Take their sweet ass time to get a box of beer?" she asked as Mike joined the banter by walking into the room and standing by the edge of the bed. His eyes burned, though I refused to acknowledge them.

Jacob, being the smart ass he was, lifted the box with a great groan. "No, that would be pulling their backs while trying to lift a huge box of beer."

"You're a pussy." Rosalie laughed walking toward the kitchen, Jacob right behind her, straining to hold the box.

"Nice to see you again, Bella." The accent in the words revealed who was speaking to her. She sighed in defeat. This wasn't just letting the cat out of the bag; this was the equivalent of opening a box and revealing a very loud, very painful, very deadly explosion.

I couldn't speak. My voice box had disappeared on me, so when I looked over to meet those bright blue eyes, all I had was a knot in my throat I was trying to swallow.

"You look lovely by the way; blue is definitely your color. Don't you agree, Edward?" It was pretty entertaining watching Edward stare daggers into Mike. It seemed we both thought he'd be better off wearing a muzzle. Edward's silence lingered.

"Thanks." I was almost proud of the fake calmness in my voice. It sounded real, even to me.

I decided then I could do this. I could pretend I wasn't affected by Edward in anyway: no one will know. We could be adults about this − broken, exhausted and fed up adults. Edward and I could be strangers again. Strangers without a future, without a present and most definitely without a past − without our past.

**A/N: (PLEASE READ)**

**This chapter was really hard to write and I hope you believe me when I tell you I opened the file religiously to try and see if Bella will speak to me. I don't know why Edward is easier to write. From this point on in this story I'm going to wing it a little bit, I realize that if I try to outline the story too much it's even harder to write it, all I know if that for 2 or 3 chapters there will be angst galore and then probably enough angry, jealous, guilty smutt to last me a life time. (but we like that don't we? It will make up for lack of loving for this chapter and probably the next.)**

_**On last very important thing:**_** Remember I am a person, with feelings, flaws and problems and not enough time on my day to do all the things I'd like to do. I know it's been very long between updates and I would change that if I could, but I've said this so many times and I'll say this again: Sending me messages saying "you take way too long in updates it's ridiculous, I had forgotten about this story; now I have to sit here and re read it" or "would you update already? Jeez!" or "what's the point of having a story if you don't update" just makes me want to give up the whole thing and leave my stories to my private friends. I haven't given up; I am willing to see this story till the end, as a personal challenge for MYSELF, but try to be nice ok? I'm trying, I swear I'm really trying. I also have many crazy ideas I want work on, but you just gotta stick around. **

**On a better note. A couple of people who I wanna thank for a great review: jansails, Annis, Jade LeArgente, orlanka, banshee69. **


	11. Aftermath

**{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}**

Thank you Mandi1! Thank you HopeStreet! Thank you getdrunkonvictory! Thank you Kismit1496!

"_Thanks." I was almost proud of the fake calmness in my voice. It sounded real even to me._

_I decided then I could do this. I could pretend I wasn't affected by Edward in anyway, no one will know. We could be adults about this, broken, exhausted and fed up adults. Edward and I could be strangers again. Strangers without a future, without a present and most definitely without a past; without our past._

**Thursday, December 31, 2009**

I was livid – absolutely and utterly livid. There was no good enough reason to be. I had no right to be, but I wanted to punch something to a bloody pulp and watch it die. As soon as she stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her, I practically threw my laptop at Mike and began to pace. My body was an atomic bomb, armed with a deadly combination of jealousy, regret and disappointment. There was a high probability of me exploding and bringing the entire building down with me. I knew from the beginning there would be a chance that Bella had moved on, a great chance that she had found someone and I was long forgotten. Still, I had hoped that there was a chance for me to make amends for my sins and at least have an opportunity to build something that could show her I had learned my lesson. Nothing is ever as easy as you think it might be.

He made her laugh, openly and freely, and he wrapped her up so tightly she couldn't see anything around her. She couldn't see me sitting there, trying to remember how to breathe, on the verge of combustion. She looked amazing, just as much as she had when she had been here last. God, she was absolutely breathtaking, and she now belonged to someone else. I felt like I was looking at her for the first time all over again, and my memory of that first time didn't do her justice.

"Don't look so gutted. You knew there was a chance this would happen," Mike spoke from his spot at the end of the bed. I wanted to strangle him. He was partly to blame. I would have given up long ago if he hadn't gone and convinced me that Bella might still feel something for me although she was declining all my calls. I felt like such an idiot. She had been declining my calls because she had someone else. God, how many times had I called and interrupted a conversation, a date, a kiss or even worse…

"Fuck! I'm so stupid! I should have stayed in Oxford. I should have taken that stupid job and–" I was quickly interrupted by Mike's angry words.

"You were offered a job in Oxford, you bloody pluke?" He was standing in front of me now, that angry face of his doing nothing to ease the anger that was already coursing through me. It wasn't a good idea to go at it with Mike right now, or ever for that matter.

"I don't fucking want to hear it, alright? It was a last minute offer. Besides, I've screwed up so badly with everyone here, making plans to come back and then to change my plans… staying… indefinitely… wouldn't really have gone that well. Besides, I was pretty sure my scholarship wasn't going… You know what? Fuck you! I don't have to explain anything to you! I don't fucking have to explain anything to anyone… It was my call and fuck it!" I sat back down on the edge of the bed and reached for the beer I had placed on my night stand. I chugged it down like it was vitamin water and I had just ran a marathon. We sat in silence. I needed the silence. We both needed the silence.

This was crazy. Just because Bella had moved on didn't mean my life was over, it didn't mean I couldn't start again. It was frustrating, though, to know that I hadn't made any future plans with Bella during our time together, that we never sat down and discussed where we would be years from now or talked about any possible involvement after we had both finished our education, but it crushed me to know she might have made plans with someone else. How stupid of me. How utterly, ridiculously stupid of me to think that leaving Bella would not alter my life in any way, that we were nothing more than friends with benefits. I should have known it from the very beginning, from that first week when I tried to stay away from her, from the time I had her in the classroom because I couldn't stand seeing her being manhandled by some horn dog.

I remembered him then; the guy Bella was dating was the guy from the library. I wondered how long after I had left she started seeing him. Did it even matter to her I was gone? It didn't. The only emotion that registered in her eyes was surprise; no sadness, no longing, not even anger. If there hadn't been any anger, then how could there possibly have been any love?

The door suddenly swung open, and the music outside was suddenly very loud. "Hey, you two. Are you going to stay in here like a bunch of anti-social pricks or are you coming outside with everyone else?" Her little voice, despite always bringing a smile to my face, angered me even further, and I spat the words out unintentionally.

"Why tha fuck didn't you tell me Bella was seeing someone, Alice?" I faced her eyes then and watched as she lowered them and took a long deep breath. She brought them back up with a steady gaze that was uncommon, which only meant she knew this was going to happen and had planned her actions carefully. She closed the door and walked toward me.

"Listen to me Edward. I knew from the very beginning this thing between you and Bella was either going to be great or awful, and I swore to myself I would not get involved in any of it. I would remain Switzerland from beginning to end. When you left, Edward, it was really hard for me not to choose sides, really freaking hard. Out of all the ways you could have ended it, what you did had to be the shittiest way. So, just like I once told Bella, this is between you and her, and I have nothing to do with it. I don't want _anything_ to do with it." Through the entire speech, I couldn't look at her and instead looked down at my feet, nodding my head along with her words. She was right, and I couldn't argue with her, but it still didn't make the anger go away. "Whenever you feel up to it, you can join us again," she added before stepping out of the room and back to her guests. I felt disappointed in myself knowing I was just scolded like a child by my baby sister. This is what it must feel like to be on a downward spiral. The issue was: what would be my very rock bottom?

I could have been sitting on the edge of the bed for centuries for all I knew. I just sat and stared patterns into the carpet, wondering when I'd be able to build plans again, when I'd be able to rearrange my goals like I once could. Living day by day wasn't freeing, it felt like living without a purpose, a focus, just living for the purpose of breathing. I had never included Bella in the plans I had made before, and it was never an issue. Why was it so difficult now? I noticed a pair of black boots in front of me, and I looked up. It was Mike with two beers in hand. When had he left the room and come back?

"Well, you've got a couple of options here. You can cry like a sissy. You can act like an adult, which I am pretty sure you are not even capable of." Though, he meant it as a joke, I was a ticking bomb, and the comment just infuriated me further. "Alright… alright… You can always get pissing gone, eh? In which case, I can probably join you, but only as moral support... I find alcohol life consuming, and it only leads to destructive behavior." The words coming out of Mike's mouth were so absurd, I had to smile. I reached over to take a beer out of his hand.

"Ok, but if I start crying or start telling stories about my dead dog, Lightning, you lock me back up in this room and don't let me out no matter what."

"As long as I get to call you a tosser for the rest of your miserable life, we have a deal."

"You're a fucking asshole."

"Mike! You're cheating!" Rosalie yelled as she poured what had to be the tenth round of Jagger shots for the night. I had always been able to drink Rosalie under the table. I took pride in that fact, but Mike was slowly but surely knocking me out of my title.

"Rosalie, I'm English, I've been drinking since I was old enough to reach the bar. I could use Jager as mouth wash," Mike replied. The answer wasn't as funny as Rosalie's frustrated expression was.

"You're a dick!" she yelled after downing the shot.

"Don't be talking about dick with me. You'd probably lose that brawl too. I know more about dick than everyone in this room!" they all laughed. I just shook my head and downed my shot.

Midnight was approaching and everyone gathered closer to the person they wanted to ring in their New Year with. I could see them all keeping that significant other close by just to make sure they'd be there for the countdown. Alice sat in Jasper's lap next to Mike, talking into his ear; Emmet sat on a stool behind Rosalie with his hand on her shoulder; and Bella and Jacob sat on the couch watching MTV. To my utter dismay, the alcohol wasn't doing much. It wasn't blurring my vision, disconnecting me from the situation. The alcohol wasn't helping me to forget that Bella was here, cuddled up on a couch with another man. The alcohol was not killing my attention to detail, because I could still see how his hand would slip to brush over the top of her breast ever so slightly. My insides felt the way I would assume a chemical burn would feel like, slow, bubbling and irritating, all from watching them.

"So, the object of this competition is to see who passes out before midnight?" Not even the strange new voice of the person who was speaking could bring me out of my hardcore staring of Bella and her horn dog. The fact that Bella looked up to meet my eyes finally did it. The person who had spoken was Seth, a guy who apparently came with the sickening couple sitting on the couch.

"No, the object of this game is to show Rosalie and Eddy boy here the proper way to get plastered," Mike answered Seth, but his eyes were locked on me, his focus was a way of silently asking if I was ok. I wasn't ok. I was nowhere near ok. I was about to pull a Tyler Durden. _How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?_

"I don't know, man. I've never seen anyone drink more than Edward," Emmett added from his spot on his stool.

"Edward is cheating, too. You shouldn't be allowed in the game if you have ulterior reasons for drinking." Even with the loud music and all the extra guests at the party, the table became silent after Rosalie's obviously careless words. My stomach dropped, my chest expanded, and my grip tightened on the beer in my hand. I counted every possible reaction I could have and the consequences of each one, all of which resulted in Emmett's fist permanently glued to my jaw. I wasn't clear as to what exactly angered me the most – the fact that it was obvious I was upset about Bella's new relationship or that Rosalie had to throw it out into the open like a wet rag. I figured the best thing to do was to ignore the comment all together and enjoy the bitter taste of another Jager shot. Mike was right, the thing could be used as mouthwash for the good it was doing me.

"I have other reasons for drinking," interrupted Seth, obviously not understanding the reason why everyone quieted down suddenly, "everyone in this party is still ugly as sin." Surprisingly enough, the comment loosened the tension some and caused some laughter.

"Seth, we have to get you a girlfriend!" spoke the matchmaker from hell, also known as Alice Cullen.

"Only if she's mute and she doesn't bleed for five days straight." I laughed, thinking Seth wasn't such a bad guy.

"Alright you pussies, we are running out of Jager. Baby, go get the Patron." Rosalie was obviously on a mission.

"Rosalie," Mike interrupted suddenly, "I would like you to know that even being a blatantly obvious bender, my dick acknowledges your impressive display of knockers" it wasn't what Mike was saying that caught everyone's attention; it was the proper English voice he was using. "I can honestly say that even a bender as big as myself would still enjoy motor boating that fantastic rack." Another uncomfortable silence followed. Risking a look back at Rosalie, I was shocked to find a blush on her pale cheeks. I was even more surprised that Emmett was holding back laughter. I assumed he was a little bit more liquored up than usual because often times that kind of behavior from any person who even dares to look at Rosalie usually results in an instant knock out.

"Fuck…" Jasper cursed, hiding his face behind Alice, also trying to hold back from laughing; in fact, everyone was, including the Seth guy.

"Jesus Christ! I don't know if I should kick your ass or be complimented!" That was the cue it was good to go, and the table rumbled from all the laughter.

My amusement was cut short though, because glancing up I caught an awful sight. They were kissing, tongues tied, eyes closed, hands tangled. I wanted to look away, I wanted to look down at my beer bottle and read the ridiculous Nutrition Facts and try and memorized them so I could distract myself from the view, but it was impossible. I watched her, kissing back, no sign of discomfort or disgust, fisting her hands on his shirt and bringing her body closer to him, opening her mouth a bit more to let room for his tongue. I couldn't tell if the god awful feeling in my stomach was because of watching them or the insane amount of alcohol I had been consuming. A kick from under the table knocked me out of my daze. Looking around, everyone was still laughing, except Jasper, who stared at me accusingly.

"Shit…" I was dead man.

Everyone was counting down outside my bedroom door. I had locked myself away from the insanity about thirty minutes after Mike and I had put Rosalie to shame with our drinking. It wasn't the alcohol that was keeping me antisocial, it was what was left of my self-preservation because I still felt like I could down a couple of more bottles, still trying to rid myself of the bad taste that was stuck in my mouth, but nothing was working. Two minutes away from the New Year, I decided that even if it was easier to hide away from the worst of the consequences, there were still some mistakes I could try and amend, and the one that had the highest priority was the relationship with my sister. Opening the door suddenly, I was rewarded with a painfully desirable view – Bella's big brown eyes, shiny from the alcohol consumption. She had been walking out of the bathroom as I was walking out of my room. If I had known then what I managed to learn after all that has happened, I would have been able to acknowledge all the quiet words spoken between those very important and yet very simple moments that Bella and I shared. Like our first kiss or our first time or my less than graceful good-bye. That moment when the clock struck midnight and I found myself on yet another Thursday trying to reach out to Bella, the silent moment screamed of our regret, of my selfishness and the fading feeling of the urge to try.

"Happy New Year, Bella," I spoke in a voice that was not my own, defeated and careless.

"Happy New Year, Edward," she responded and walked off to more than likely find the person who had her heart now. I let her walk away and resolved to finally let her go.

It felt like a blaze that started in the pit of my stomach that made its way up my esophagus and reached into my brain so it could spread into an ache that covered me all the way down to my toes again. I didn't even want to breathe, the rise and fall of my chest just made the entire room spin. I wanted to vomit, but my brain was repulsed by the idea. How could that even make sense? It felt like it took an eternity to find a way to move, and all I could manage was to sit on the edge of the bed to place my head between my legs, hoping it would ease the sickening feeling somewhat, no such luck. I noticed then I'd slept in the clothes I was wearing last night and quickly worked the buttons of the black shirt and snaked away my belt. The socks were the last to go. It wasn't until I heard the faded noises outside that I decided I needed to finally do something with myself.

My movements were slow, and though the walk was a short one, it felt endless. I hadn't been this hung over in my entire life, and it was most likely because I had never drank as much as I had the night before. Bottles and drinks and beers circled my head, and I couldn't quite determine the amount I had consumed. I had gone a little overboard. I could have been seriously ill. Trying to find a good enough reason to be that completely trashed brought back the images of Bella tangled up in the arms of that prick. The kisses and caresses and laughs only fueled my headache even further, but gave the destructive behavior somewhat of a disturbing reasoning.

I couldn't tell who it was in the kitchen. I sat down at the dining table that was still overflowing with bottles and cups and reached for the bottle of Patron that greeted me. I down the shot in one quick movement. It didn't have a taste, and I looked down at the bottle wondering if maybe the liquid inside had been replaced with something else. All too soon, the bottle was taken away and was replaced with a cup of water and some white little pills. I knew with certainty then the person in the kitchen was Alice Cullen.

"What time is it?" My voice was hoarse; my throat was dry and slightly irritated after consuming the Patron.

"It's two in the afternoon. You should drink that water and wait a bit to take those pills. I am not about to clean up vomit on top of all of this." The unexpected male voice had me turning abruptly, just to regret the action as soon as it occurred. The room spun, and my stomach twisted up into a knot. It was Jasper who was in the kitchen.

"Where is Alice?" My question was almost rude.

"She went to the store to get some things to make something to eat," he answered, still not looking up at me. He seemed too concentrated on the task of dividing the empty bottles from the ones that still had some alcohol left in them. "Do you know where Mike is?"

"What?" I questioned, looking around the living room. The sofa bed was still a sofa, and Mike wasn't in my room when I woke up. "I have no idea. I can't even remember if he told me that he was going somewhere last night." In fact, I couldn't even remember how I made it to bed.

"He helped you to your room after everyone left and then disappeared." Jasper had moved and was now picking up everything from the table. "I'm sure he is fine, but Alice is worried." I realized then that there was something off in Jasper's attitude that his concentration wasn't on cleaning, but that he was focusing on something else to keep from focusing on me. His movements were sharp, and he was obviously annoyed about something. I tried one more time to remember the night before, of any actions that could have caused yet another annoyance for Jasper. I couldn't think of one thing, but I could acknowledge that I never really mended things with him after I left.

"What happened last night?" The words were out of my mouth before I could filter them correctly, before I could alter them so they weren't so nonchalant in their approach.

"What do you mean?" Answering a question with another question is a great method of avoiding an answer. The fact that he threw a towel against the counter gave me further confirmation that I was on the right track.

"Oh come on Jasper. You're pissed off at something. So what tha hell did I do now, or what happened last night that pissed you off this time. Go ahead and get it out before Alice comes back so you can take a nice shot at me, and I can go back to bed and sleep off this fucking hangover from hell." Perhaps it was the dangerous combination of the alcohol that still lingered in my system and the anger that I was trying to extinguish with the liquor, but I found myself wanting to vent in the form of an argument.

"Christ, man! You don't change do you? You're still just a prissy little asshole." He accentuated his annoyance by continuing to throw things around, this time it was some random object at the trash can.

"Calling me an asshole is getting a bit old, don't ya think?"

"Fuck you!"

"Just get it out, will ya?" I encouraged and stood up to face him with the counter working as a much needed divider.

"I will not get tired of calling you an asshole as long as you keep acting like one." He finished tying up the trash bag and turned to face me with furious eyes. "You left her. You left everybody, and now at the first sign she might be happy with someone else, you can't fucking handle it? You have to drink yourself unconscious so you don't have to deal with the truth? Edward, I'm a psychologist. I see patterns you don't know shit about, so I'm going to tell you this as a friend: You're in a downward spiral to hell. I told you…"

"I remember what you told me! That you hope I don't regret it. Well I fucking do, I really fucking do. And on that note, I don't need your fucking psychology to know where I'm headed, and I am extremely fucking offended you would think I wouldn't be able to come to terms with the situation. I can, I do, I fucking understand." I paused for a second, my mind jumbled in a mess of images and memories, and I shook remembering something very important.

"One thing though," I began again "one very important thing that I need you to fucking know and understand. As much as I regret the way I behaved toward all of you and toward Bella and as much as I hate that I might have lost any chance I had, I cannot regret that I actually had the balls to go to Oxford. I learned a shit load of things being on my own, finally having everything to lose. You and I, we never got along because _you_ came from nothing and have everything to show for it now. You think I came from everything and have nothing to show for it because I was given everything on a silver platter. I fucking hated you for that, man. You constantly had to remind me that I have no idea what it was like to struggle. Not anymore, Jasper. I _had_ to do this. I had to give everything up. I had to lose everything. I had to be on my fucking own. I had to see what Mike's dad did to him, and I had to lose Bella. Unfortunately, I am in this goddamn fucking position now, and I will deal with the consequences. So I don't need your speeches, and I don't need your reasoning, and I definitely don't need your fucking patronizing bullshit. I didn't drink because I couldn't deal with it, I drank because I had to get though it even if I didn't exactly want to and isn't that what being an adult is all about?"

Time seemed to stop in the room. We just stood and stared at each other, anger still crunching our foreheads and squinting our eyes, but the turning of the lock brought us back to reality, and before company could walk in, I was on my way back into my guest room.

I tried to sleep the hangover away, but the anger and the gut wrenching guilt I felt after fighting with Jasper wouldn't let me, especially after realizing that Alice and Jasper had begun to argue once I returned to the room. I wouldn't be surprised if she had heard my rant before coming in. Walking out of the bathroom after a very hot shower, I could smell the pancakes, but I couldn't face Jasper again, so I chickened out one more time and headed back into my room. The knock on the door was not a surprise. The person that came in holding a plate of food was.

"Hey." He stood at the door, cautious on his approach. I sighed and greeted him from my spot on the bed. "I'm here for a couple of reasons. The most important one being that Alice threaten to not have sex with me ever again if I didn't come talk to you." I chuckled, still staring at my computer screen. "The second being," he paused and placed the plate and a can of something by the dresser, "I'm sorry. I was really fucking mad about the way you left, that you couldn't trust me or any of us, to be honest. I was angry because Alice was sad, and I was angry because Bella was extremely upset. I didn't really consider how you felt, or how you could be feeling about everything now, even if yesterday it was pretty obvious that you aren't doing too great. I'm sorry, alright? I never really meant to make you feel…" He seemed to struggle to find the correct word.

"Like a cunt nugget," I offered. He laughed comfortably.

"Like a cunt nugget," he repeated. "I didn't know. I honestly had no idea that…"

"That's fine," I cut him off abruptly. He had absolutely nothing to apologize about. He had every right to treat me the way he did despite how I was feeling. What I did deserved the severe consequences that I was already expecting and willing to handle.

"It really isn't," he laughed again, shaking his head and resting against the desk by the door.

"You're such shrink!" He hated that line, I knew he did, but I smiled to let him know I meant no harm by it. It was our cue, a way of letting him know that he was trying to turn us all into his patients, trying to let us know of our issues so we could solve them. He hated that his job affected his life constantly, but sometimes it was the very thing we needed.

"Fuck!" He fisted his fingers in his hair "I know, I fucking know! I'm so fucking sorry, I really… I need to figure out…" The fact that he had begun to be even harder on himself made me give in, and I had to confess the worst of my sins. It was better that I acknowledge my own issues.

"I turned down a job in Oxford." I spoke fast and careless. I couldn't understand why it mattered to me that he knew. The plan had been so unimportant that I wasn't going to let anyone know, but after blurting it out to Mike the night before, I thought it best to tell Jasper. "I knew that I would probably lose my scholarship and had to deal with a shit load of paper work and residency issues and all that shit, and I could sit here and argue about all the reasons why I couldn't take that job, but none of those things were the real reasons I turned it down. I didn't because I wanted to come back home, because I wanted to come back to friends and family and… shit…" I paused to take a breath and pinch the nerve that was throbbing between my eyebrows, "even back to Bella," I continued. "I didn't even give it a second thought. It wasn't even a small debate; it was a hands down, extreme and definite, no."

I took a chance to glance up from my laptop at Jasper, to find him wide eyed and dumfounded.

"So really," I continued, hoping to fill the empty silence, "I should be apologizing to you. I gave you so much bullshit about choosing to stay here and not giving it much thought, but I guess now that I was in the position, I understand why there was no competition." So, I ended my argument with a deep sigh, feeling like some of the burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

"Well shit…" were his only words, and the silence lingered on, but I didn't look up to meet his eyes; however, I looked over at the plate of pancakes and put my laptop down to reach for it. I sat at the edge of the bed and began eating quietly.

After half of my food was gone, the silence was starting to get to me, so I snapped. "Jesus, Jasper, say something… for the love of…" I was interrupted by his sudden movement. He walked toward the bed and sat next to me.

"She's not happy," he confessed quietly. I stared at him, watched him carefully as he stared at nothing in particular. I was dumbfounded.

"Alice?" I asked, because I needed to make sure he was talking about my sister. She's never seemed anything less than ecstatic about her life here with Jasper. I was even more surprised when he chuckled.

"I'm not talking about Alice! That woman better be happy. I give her everything her little heart desires and more… shit."

"Jasper what tha hell are you talking about?" I wouldn't have been surprised if it was the hangover was making me slow.

"Bella," he finally met my eyes, and the name and realization of his words almost caused my stomach to return the food I had eaten back to the plate I was still holding. "I know I said that you couldn't handle that she might be happy now, but I honestly don't think she's happy. Jacob is a cool dude, but there is just something there that's missing."

Perhaps it was the way Jasper so casually spoke the prick's name, or the reminder that there was someone else in Bella's life, but I was suddenly angry, losing my appetite almost immediately. I knew rationally I shouldn't have been that angry, and for split seconds, I would forget the reasons why it was best that she moved on. Quietly, to myself, I could admit that it hurt, and I resented the fact she had found somebody else, and I was still so hung up on her.

"It doesn't matter," I admitted out loud, "that's who she wants to be with. So there has to be a reason for it right?" I asked, cutting another piece of pancake on my plate just to give myself something to do. "I fucked up. She deserves better, and that's the end of that."

"Edward…" Jasper begun, but the door abruptly swung open by Mike, who looked showered and bright eyed and bushy tale.

"Edward, you wanker, I go away for a day, and you're already in bed with some other fluke!"

"Where the fuck have you been?" I demanded.

"Well since you're not giving me a romp, I had to go find it somewhere else," he explained as he walked behind me and Jasper to lay back on the bed. "If I had known American boys were so good at giving head, I would have come sooner, though," he spoke with a smile.

"Woah! I don't want to know! I definitely don't want to know!" I laughed at Jasper's outburst and was immediately joined by Mike. "I mean no offence to the gay man. I'm all about equality, but I really don't want to know about your sex life, Mike, or Edward's or Emmett's for that matter. I'm out." Alice had joined our laughter from the door and sent me a wink as she walked after Jasper.

"How you feeling, blotto?" asked Mike after everyone had left and he had picked up my computer.

"Do I want to know what that word means?"

"Nope," he answered without looking up at me.

"Do I want to know who you left with last night?"

He laughed. "I'll tell you if you want me to."

"No I definitely don't," I answered, going back to my food.

**Friday, January 15, 2010  
(about two weeks later)**

I wasn't exactly hiding, but I was definitely avoiding; on occasion it would make me feel bad, but then I would remember the reasons why I was doing it, and it all made sense. This was the second Friday I had come over to my parents to sit in front of my computer in my father's library to study. To be honest, it was a lot easier than having to deal with all the couples around me, including Mike who apparently was seeing someone I have yet to meet. I was aggravated by the constant phone calls, the kisses, the kind words, and the happy stories around me. I was miserable, and I wanted everyone else to be miserable with me. So in order to avoid spreading my depression, I hid away from everyone… not hiding… avoiding…

"Honey, you want anything to eat?" My mother asked for the fourth time since I had arrived. The pounds I had lost over my stay in Oxford were a crime to dear Mrs. Cullen, and she had made it a goal to fatten me up to her liking. I absolutely love my mother.

"No thanks. I'll just wait for lunch and head over there with you, ok?" I answered with a smile.

"Ok honey." Though she knew nothing of the real reason behind my visits, it pleased my mother to no end to have me around. I sucked all the attention up, like a child.

A bit after my mother had come around, my father walked into the room. He never interrupted me. He sat behind his own computer and went over some paper work and books. It was almost silly how much we looked alike and acted alike. It was quite evident I was almost an identical replica of Dr. Cullen.

"I'm worried about you." The disruption startled me, and I looked up from my laptop to my father and met the look of concern in his eyes.

"Why?"

"I don't know. Studying on a Friday night? Not even I was doing that at your age. You should be out with your friends having fun, enjoying your youth. Where is Mike?" He placed his pen down and rested back on his chair. I sighed in frustration. I was expecting this speech from my mother, and I had prepared a great answer for her, but not for my father, and the truth came out carelessly.

"He's out with a new boyfriend. Alice and Jasper are meeting Rosalie and Emmett for dinner." It was the truth, but between every name was the real reason why I would rather study on a Friday night: Everyone had a partner. I had absolutely nothing and no one. It was funny how I couldn't quite remember what I would have been doing before getting involved with Bella. I was ridiculously depressing.

"What about Bella?" I wanted to scream, scream so loud that my throat could bleed and my stomach could turn. It was infuriating that I couldn't even escape her memory, even in this house where, I was sure, was void of any sort of knowledge of her. She was everywhere, in everything, in me, around me and now in this damn house that I was hoping would be my only escape. How could I have not realized that Bella would burrow herself so deeply in my life I wouldn't be able to just walk away from her? Why would I have even tried to? All the reasons I had in the beginning for not committing to Bella were suddenly insignificant. I was a different person when I had laid them down, she had changed that person, and she had changed me. I sighed and slammed my laptop closed.

"Fuck!" I stood and began to pace. Maybe I could take up running again. Maybe if I ran far enough, long enough, it would help me clear my head a bit more, try to find my way back to normal.

"Edward," called my father, who I had completely forgotten was still in the room with me.

"How'd you know about Bella, dad?"

"You asked me to help her once, remember? Besides, every time I would talk to your sister and ask for you, she would tell me that you were with Bella. I only figured you and she were involved," he explained calmly, seeming a bit worried to set me off again. I didn't blame him; I did feel like a ticking bomb.

"We're not together anymore," I explained simply. It was the truth, a much summarized truth, the censored truth, the tip of the iceberg kind of truth, but the truth none the less.

"Was it because of Oxford?" The interest my father suddenly had in my personal life was confusing me, but it was also understandable given my somewhat agitated reaction at her mention. I thought for a moment, trying to come up with the right answer. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

"It wasn't Oxford. Shit… It was me, I fucked up. I really just… She's dating someone now, it doesn't really matter, It's well deserved too. I was such a… Yeah, it wasn't Oxford. Well, I guess in a way, but no, it wasn't, it was mostly me." I went over the gibberish I had spoken, wondering if there was something I wanted to add. I decided that was the best answer I had. I sat back down on the chair and rested my elbows on my knees and watched the wood floor carefully. I guess this is what a broken heart feels like. This is what all those silly romance novels are all about, the empty feeling in your gut, the frustration in your throat, the despair in your fingertips. Apparently, unconditional love makes you grow a vagina, because last time I heard, men are not the ones who usually dealt with these emotions.

"How'd you do it, dad?" I asked looking back up at him, his eyebrows crunched in confusion. "You know, school, wife, kids, your career, how'd you make all it happen? It seems almost impossible for me. I think it's only possible to have either one or the other, but you did both of them. So how?" I walked over and sat in front of my father's desk, willing to pay complete attention. He just might be holding the missing puzzle pieces, and I wasn't leaving until I had the answers. I could not fix the problem anymore, but maybe if I knew the right answers, I'll keep them for future reference.

"Son, I have no idea." He chuckled and looked down at the picture of us that rested on his desk, then back up at me. "Did I ever tell you that you're mom left me in college?"

"What?" I was dumbfounded. From what I knew, they had met and never had eyes for anyone else. I had to laugh, trying to run reasons why mom would dump dad. I pictured her going into hysterics over not placing a coaster under a sweaty drink.

"There is nothing funny about it. She tells all of you that it was love at first sight, but it wasn't really like that, not in my end anyway. I practically had to beg your mother to go out on a date with me." I laughed louder. At least the story was somewhat lightening up my mood. "Anyway. we had been dating for a while by then, and I was about to finish school. I was already working insane hours at the hospital, and I just didn't make enough time for her. I was oblivious to the state of our relationship. I was so focused on work and school that I would miss dates and calls. When I missed our anniversary, well, you can only imagine. I didn't realize until two days later that I had forgotten, and by then, it was just too late. I tried to get her to forgive me, but she was having none of it.

About two weeks later, I found her in campus having lunch with Aro. Christ, I was fuming. Aro had been after Esme long before I came around. He was a young professor in the university, and he was the biggest son of a bitch I've ever met!"

"Dad!" I threw my head back with laughter; he actually looked upset, like he'd take him on again if he could. "I am so telling mom you just cursed and using this whole Aro story against her! She'll be baking cookies for weeks!" My dad joined in my laughter, knowing how mom baked when she had a guilty conscience and was trying to get back on our good side. She especially did this after grounding us, even it hadn't been too severely.

"Oh, she'll be scheduling family dinners for the next three years if you mention Aro. Anyway, I was pretty broken up about the whole thing. Out of all the guys she could pick, it had to be Aro and so soon after! I was mess," he laughed. "I guess that's what happens when you're a love sick puppy. It took me losing her to find out that she was my life. I made her my priority after that and never took her for granted again."

I was suddenly serious. I realized then that maybe a broken heart wasn't that uncommon and that it was ok to feel this way, to be so devastated. "What did you do to fix things?" There was a hope in my voice that was unwarranted.

"Nothing." I was stunned at the answer and rested back on the chair in disappointment. He laughed. "I didn't know what to do! I knew all about heart conditions, but nothing about broken hearts! I didn't have a clue on how to fix it, and after I saw her with Aro, I just gave up. I was sure she had moved on. Of course, as it turned out, I was wrong. Two weeks later, there was a campus party which I was essentially drag to, and at that party, I a met a young lady who, to be honest, I don't even remember her name, in fact, I don't think she ever told me her name…"

"I swear to god, dad, if you tell me a story of a one night stand, I'll be scarred for life!" He laughed louder, and the sound echoed around the room softly. It's a rare occasion to hear my father laugh so freely, and it was usually Alice who was able to draw out his laughter.

"Christ, no! We danced, we talked, I told her all about Esme, and she gave me some advice, but nothing happened. That night when I got back to campus, Esme was waiting for me at the apartment and was extremely upset about seeing me at the party with someone else."

"What?" It was my turn to crack up. My sister would love this story, and I most likely would be bringing the story up very soon. It was too good to pass up.

"What's so funny?" I had laughed so loudly, my mom poked her head in. Looking back up at her, I couldn't help but laugh louder. My father joined me too.

"Nothing, darling," my dad assured her in between breaths.

"Alright." She accepted the answer and turned to walk back down the hallway. I was practically in tears from all the laughing.

"I can't believe you never told me and Alice this story before," I spoke once I had finally calmed down.

"There was no reason to. Your mom and I worked it out; there is no reason to dwell on bad memories."

"What happened with Aro?" I asked, too curious for my own good.

"Nothing. He had found her sitting by herself and had sat down to join her at lunch. She was actually furious; she couldn't stand the guy. After we got back together, I did everything I could do to make it work. I kept her in mind at all times. I didn't make a decision that didn't involve her. There were, of course, days were work was overwhelming, but I always called, always let her know in time. It wasn't easy, and we had rough times, but we loved each other, and at the end of the day, that was all that mattered to us."

"So mom never got in the way?"

"In the way? In the way of what?" my dad asked confused. I rethought my question, thinking that it could have been absurd, but it wasn't. The question was stated exactly how I had intended it to be.

"Of your career, your goals, your accomplishments," I clarified.

"Of course not! I was going to have a career, and I was going to reach my goals because I had worked hard for them from the very beginning. I was successful _because_ I had a focus on my career and I had those high goals. Esme… she was the one I would share all those things with. She pushed me to strive to be a better doctor, achieve the career I wanted, to support her and my children, and I set more goals to be a better man and father for all of you. I am successful because I have all those things. Edward, that is the biggest accomplishment of all – I have a wife, a family and a career that I love dearly! I honestly don't think I could have had any of them without the support of your mother." My father's words moved me, and I looked down at my lap for a while running the words in my head. I was so stupid, so selfish. If I knew ten months ago what I know now, I would have done things differently.

"So you never had to give up anything?" I asked mostly to myself, but loud enough at least my father could hear.

"Yes I did, son." I looked up suddenly. "I gave up my pride. I put my needs aside and realized that it wasn't about my needs, it was _our_ needs that I needed to focus on, and it fell into place the right way like that." I stared at my father's last words and thought how funny it was that I had made the same mistakes he had made in his youth. The difference between him and me was that I couldn't fix my mistake, and he had been lucky that his mistake was making an incorrect assumption.

"You really like this girl," he stated. Of course, I was sure that by the look on my face and the way I had reacted that I was obviously upset about how things ended with Bella, and there was only one real reason someone would be that upset about a break up.

"Yeah, I messed up real bad. I left to go to Oxford and didn't tell her about it till practically the day before and then I didn't man up and tell her face-to-face. I, umm… left her a letter," I confessed to him, unable to hide my embarrassment and discomfort. "We never really spoke of our relationship, and I used that as an… excuse, I guess." My father sighed and rubbed his forehead softly. I knew he was aware how immature, hurtful, and awful what I had done was, and there was no way to defend myself, so I didn't. "I don't know what I was thinking. Once I got to England, though, it really hit me. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't answer my calls. She doesn't talk to me, hardly looks at me. It's pretty bad. There is nothing I can do to fix this, and she's going to be in the picture for a while. She's Alice best friend, so it's not like I can avoid her. I was such an ass, even before I left, I was behaving so poorly. God, I'm really awful."

"So you're not going to try to amend things with her now that you're back?"

"It's too late. Like I said she found someone. No one told me about it. Instead, I had to witness it for myself on New Year's eve," I sighed, regretting the reminder. "It was a wakeup call really, but I'll be fine, I guess. I made a mistake; I will just have to suffer the consequences."

"Son, as your father, I probably should tell you that sometimes you have to move on and accept the consequences of your actions. That would be the appropriate thing to do. As a man who was in a somewhat similar situation as you find yourself, I'm going to tell you something else. Even if your mother turned out to be with Aro and I didn't have a chance, I am certain I would have woken up one morning with the realization that I had to keep trying. I know I would have done anything and everything in my power to get your mother back, even if I had to beat down a professor and get expelled from school."

"Dad!" I was absolutely dumbstruck.

"I know it's horrible, but your mother is the world to me, and back then she already was, I just had to figure it out for myself. I am pretty sure I know the reasons why you left to go to Oxford, and I don't fault you for any of them. We are a lot alike, Edward, and I probably would have done the same thing. I probably would have made the same mistakes you've made, but after all you been through, to just throw in the towel and concede defeat? How thick headed you are? That is not the Edward I know."

"Dad, she is dating someone else! She wasn't sitting having lunch with him. She was sitting on a couch with her tongue halfway down his throat! It's different now. I'm too late. It's over!" I yelled in frustration. My father was the person I least expected to tell me to steal someone's girlfriend away. I felt like hell was about to freeze over.

"At least talk to her, let her know the truth, Edward. What you did was an awful thing, but there were reasons for doing what you did. You have to tell her why you handled things the way you did because you owe her that much at the very least. You can't let her go on thinking that you didn't care for her or that she was not enough. Whether you are able to get back together with Bella or not, I'm sure if you don't talk to her, you will be doing a disservice to both yourself and Bella, and you'll probably regret it for a very long time. In my own situation, I am sure if I was not able to resolve my differences with Esme and get her back, I'd still be kicking my own ass."

I thought then for sure hell had officially frozen over, my father had just said ass.

I left my parents house with my heart weighing twice as much as it had when I first arrived. During the drive to the library, I tried to determine if the extra weight was from the disappointment or from the knowledge that it had been so long, if ever, that I have sat and spoken to my father so openly. Still, even with how much I enjoyed sitting and talking to my father, the conversation had scrambled my brain and had reminded me how I still hoped that Bella and I could rekindle our friendship at the least considering what I had done. It's all very cliché, but the truth was if I really cared for her, I would let her be happy with someone who would probably not screw it up as badly as I had. However, my father did have something right – I should at least let her know the truth.

I left after my mother started throwing tiny hints that she wanted to be clued into me the conversation I'd had with my father. As much as I loved my mother, she was not the person I particularly wanted to talk about my relationships with. My mother would find reasons why it wasn't my fault, and I was too guilt ridden to hear all those reasons. I still needed to study, and more importantly ,I still needed to stay away from the apartment in my quest for avoiding all the annoyingly happy couples. The next best thing was the campus library, and because it was a Friday night, it was more than likely going to be a peaceful hideaway.

I found a nice little spot by the history section. For some reason, history majors were out an about, except for an older gentleman who sat in one of the chairs in the far corner reading a book. I watched him for a while, wondering if that would be me one day, an old man sitting alone at a campus library reading a book that was too big to even carry, perhaps a dictionary that would make the whole scenario even sadder. I spread all my books for easy access and to avoid any strangers wanting to sit too close, my laptop securely in the middle and after checking my email, though I knew there wouldn't be anything new, I opened the file with the paper I was working on.

I had been sitting there for almost forty five minutes when I spotted her at the other end of the hall, reaching her tiny fingers upward to grab a book that was just out of her reach. It was Bella. I knew it without a doubt; the length of her hair, her height, her long wavy hair and the way my stomach dropped, it couldn't be anyone else. I guess I had been staring for too long because suddenly she looked over at me. Even after all the pep talks trying to convince myself it was time to let go, I still wanted an excuse to reach out to her. We both were frozen in our respective areas, staring for what seemed way too long. I knew she recognized me. There was no way she didn't since she was still looking my way, so I waved and sighed when she waved back, gracing me with a soft little smile.

That was it; I couldn't do this. I couldn't just pretend to be nice, pretend like nothing had ever happened between us. Until I could get over Bella or even finally get the balls to talk to her, I needed to stay the hell away from her, and it had to start as soon as possible. So I packed up all my things and was out of there like a bat out of hell. The drive was awful. The shower did nothing to soothe the mess that was my head, and I couldn't focus back on school work. I had decided I needed a beer when there was a knock at the door. I looked over at the clock and thought eleven pm was too early for Mike to be getting home from his date. I was of course right because the person standing in the hallway was no other than Bella Swan. She was fidgeting, holding something tightly against her chest. She looked up at me with wide eyes before speaking.

"You left your book behind on the table at the library."

This had bad news written all over it….

**A/N: **

**Thank you so much for your kind word last chapter. I love all your reviews and as you can see I haven't given up and I won't no matter how long I take sometimes. I know some of you want a summary of what's been going and I might do it eventually, but I rather focus on writing on the story than sitting down for each chapter to summarize. I'm sure you'll appreciate that more. **

**Anyway, the next chapter is the one that actually helped to turned this one shot into a long story so I pretty much had it all laid out before hand. I'm really excited about it. After that chapter the smut might just come back *evil smile* **

**Ps. you should put me on Author Alert also, I have some projects I'm working on as well. Thank you so much for hanging on guys! **

**Review and let me know what you think.**


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